Big Magic and Humming birds

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” 

― Albert Einstein

I have been obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert, the writer of "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Big Magic" for last few days now. Watched her speeches, and now I'm half way done with Big Magic, I just can't get enough of it. Her words speaks to me in a very authentic way. Even in her book, she says so. "Don't even worry about being original. Just be authentic and it sure will be original. Do it just because you love being creative.". I am paraphrasing it, but I was awe struck by this.

http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/elizabeth-gilbert-flight-hummingbird-curiosity

In this video, she talks about how her speech about "following your passion" made this guest feel like a loser. It actually has been a while, since I realized that I don't have the "IT" thing that drives me. Luckily I was passionate about many things. As a matter of fact, I was passionate about a lot of things, maybe too many. My energy was shooting towards all over the place. I was good at lot of things, but didn't excel in anything.

Elizabeth Gilbert said "follow your curiosity."

My passion and focus have always moved around. There were phases. At one point, I'd be obsessed with photography, and it could be something else the very next day. I thought I was following the actor and singer path, I was going to be the next Lea Salonga in Miss Saigon. I was more than ready to move on to the new chapter when I moved to NYC 3 years ago. WRONG! Things had to take its own turn. I did a lot of work for myself when I was in that phase. I took acting classes, dance classes, voice classes, speech classes, workshops, I got myself an agent, I went to networking events, I performed here and there,  I auditioned ... I put efforts to that path both financially and mentally. I don't regret any of that. It led me to all kinds of amazing things and people that I really care. Even during that time, I had my detour here and there. I got really into headshot photography. That made me see things differently in more basic human level. I saw how beautiful each and every person is. I saw how they don't realize their true potential and beauty within. I found pleasure helping them get out of their shell and just play. Then I got into yoga, meditation, chakra system, essential oils, reiki,... well all those hippie, holistic things.... and that's where I am now.

I thought about taking the Teacher's Training for Yoga years ago. But it wasn't calling me at that time. It wasn't speaking to me. So I let that go. But this time was different. It was screaming and yelling at me to take it. So I did. I still wasn't convinced that I was going to be a yoga teacher. Let's face it, in this Western culture, where Yoga is more of a trendy thing to do rather than actual practice, I didn't see myself as qualified. Also, I wasn't interested in teaching anyways. I took it because I wanted to study more in-depth about Chakra Yoga. Even in the initial meeting with my teacher I told her that. "Do you know how many people say that when they start training and change their mind completely by the time training ends?" Boy, she was right. I just wanna share this amazing tool to cultivate what's within ourselves.

I don't know where the Universe will take me next. I might be saying something completely different tomorrow. "Hey, look. I decided that I will be an astronaut." Who knows. But I decided that I want to follow my curiosity. And it seems to be working for me till now. During the teacher's training, in one assignment, I was suppose to interview 3-5 people about where I could grow more. They all said the same thing. "Trust in yourself". The Universe knows better than we can possibly imagine, right? it was clear that it was the message. So, as of today, I am stating that my passion is life, my passion is to follow my curiosity. I may have to start over from the scratch over and over again, but if that's what the Universe takes me, so be it. Let's learn to surrender actively.

love, hope, faith...

face the problem part1

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.” 

― Julia Child

You know what people say, when a student is ready, a teacher will appear, or when a teacher is ready a student will appear. I felt like the Universe is telling me to work on another issue of mine. The signs are everywhere. And I have been realizing that more often. So, let’s now make a confession, so that I can make a commitment to this issue and have you as my accountability partner. 

According to the statistics, more than half of female in United States don’t have healthy eating habit. It’s not a big surprise, is it? Driving to work while drinking coffee and taking bites of your breakfast or a banana. Substitute your meal with protein shake. Running from one place to another, by the time you realize, you can’t even remember when was the last time you actually sat down to eat an actual meal. Not only our busy life, but also the expectation from the society and photoshopped cultures, the media have been brainwashing their definition of beauty to the younger generations. No wonder our self-image isn’t the greatest. 

I have really bad eating habits. I wrote about my past issues before. Bu it started when I was 15, during the transition to the high school. When I stopped swimming I gained so much weight. Once I was in high school I tried to lose weight by not eating and exercising more and more. I was in the handball team, our practice usually required 2-3 hours of serious running. I rarely eat after that practice and went to the swimming pool to swim for another hour or so.  I got on the scale every morning and every night, obsessed by every ounce. The scale not going down made me upset. The only way to make me happy was if I was loosing weight. Of course I lost my weight. I was 4’11” and 68lbs. (And the scary thing is that it’s not too bad in Japanese people’s point of view). My period stopped for over a year. Sometimes seeing the food made me sick to stomach. It made me noxious. I got over that phase, eventually. I didn’t really have the bulimic stage. Right now what I am facing is binging and sugar addiction. 

When I started the teacher’s training back in September, one of the first lecture with the registered nutritionist struck me. I can’t exactly remember what she said, but she said something along the line of this, some “vegetarian” or similar style of eating comes from the eating disorder or weight issues. And I knew then that I am still struggling with my eating habits. I eat light or right in front of people. But I binge eat before I go to sleep. I can finish the bag of chips or cookies, a pint of ice cream if I want to. That’s not a problem. It’s horrible. The Universe is telling me to start eating right everyday nowadays. In my email box, there’re invitations for Ayurvedic eating courses, healthy eating courses coming in last week or so. It kinda forcing me to face the reality. I am healthy in general term. I don’t get sick. I exercise and practice yoga. And I think it’s time for me to start moving on to this part of my health. Otherwise, I won’t be seeing all these signs anyways, right? 

So, here’s what I am going to do. 

1. keep food journal. 
2. start eating 3 times a day. (right now I eat 2times and snack).
3. start cutting back on white sugar. (I think starting from White sugar would be a smart idea) 

So, here it is. And I know that in the end, it’s all about modifications. My teacher told me yesterday, “whether you think you can or you can’t, you are right”. That’s true. It’s all in you. It’s all in us. The difference is if you want it or not. If you want something, really want something, you will take actions. Then the Universe will know that you are serious. Start taking actions, whatever it might be to you. let the Universe know that you are in it to win it. 

What’s your action plan? You don’t have to wait till the next year to start new regimen. You can start now. Get a head start. Your new you starts now.  

step of faith

“Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

Happy post Thanksgiving. I hope you all had a great thanksgiving and have a great time with your family and friends. Again, it doesn't have to be Thanksgiving Day to give thanks. You don't have to wait to say thank you or I love you. You can say that everyday, every moments whenever you feel like it and you should. Don't expect anyone to understand how you're feeling without telling them. Don't be like "Oh, she knows that I love her." or "He knows that I care about him and appreciate everything he does." No, tell them how much you love and appreciate whatever or whomever it might be to you.

It has been a little while since my last post. I started a teacher's training for Chakra Yoga in September. Initially, it wasn't my intention to become a yoga teacher. I just wanted to learn more about Chakra system and chakra Yoga. It has been a tremendous help for me. It has given me opportunities to dig deeper into myself, my value and my shadows... It was been a quite a ride. I am feeling so much more emotions and face things that has been blocking me for ages, and to admit the things that I wasn't able to do before. It's definitely a journey. And I have 3 more weeks to go. I am more confused than ever. I am more off balance than ever, especially last few days. However, I am more alive than ever. I didn't even know how much I talk to myself. And yes, I do talk to myself in my head a lot. I don't know what to do or where to go now, especially because before all this, I thought my path was clear. I thought that the fog was finally clearing up and I am seeing the light ahead. But maybe not.

There is no such thing as a small step. There's only A step. Some might have more impact on you than the others. Some might take you further than the others. Some might give you more insight than the others. But all the steps you take is A step. A simple step that leads you to the next one. The collections of steps, one after another. that's what makes your path. You can only see the road by looking back. You can't see what lies ahead. When you move forward and take actions, each step becomes visible. Then one after one after one. It's a simple repetition of this same thing. We just have to keep taking the steps. even those which seems like a set back, it's actually not a set back. it's another step that you're taking. All you have to do is to keep going. Each steps, each events that comes into your life just opens up a whole new world for you, only if you let it happen, only if you allow yourself to see it.

I am so grateful for everyone in my life. I am not great at communicating when it comes to doing it in person. But I am so grateful for everyone. They have taught me so many different lessons. Each one told me something different, something valuable, something that helps me grow. And for that I am forever grateful. I love you all and may your life filled with love, hope and faith.

Love+Hope+Faith,

Who am I?

“If you can accept the indescribable nature of your true identity, you unveil the mystery of life.” 

― Akemi G, 

Why We Are Born: Remembering Our Purpose through the Akashic Records

Who am I? seriously. I don’t know who I am. I know that I am a vessel for this Universe and here to serve. Yes, I know that. But with what? Maybe being an actor, singer, entrepreneur, marine biologist, photographer, baker, flower shop owner, FBI negotiator….? The list can go on and on. But that’s a title, job description, It’s what you do. it’s not what I am or who I am, is it? We like to categorize and judge others for what they do, especially in NYC. When you meet new people, that’s the first thing we ask. “So, what do you do?” But why? It’s not about what we do, well, ultimately yes, what we do does have great effects on people. But that does not define us for who we truly are. Our job titles or social status, or how much we make, those are not the thing that defines us. So who are we? And who am I? 

when I moved to NYC 3 years ago, I joined my acting studio, Anthony Meindl’s Actor Workshop. I can not describe how grateful I am for this studio, the lessons and people I met. To me, this is not an acting class. It’s a class to become a better human being. I love it. This place had made me become more aware of myself and helped me get out of my own head, and becoming who I truly am, whatever that means. The owner Anthony Meindl, he is a true rockstar. And I am not ashamed to admit that I am social media stalker for his online appearance, and I’ve told him that too. His weekly videos are so inspiring and cultivating. He’s full of energy, compassion and a human. He just is. He’s so passionate about what he does. His motto is “Change your acting, change your life”.  AMAW teaches you how to listen and be present in the moment, with RIGHT brain, not with the LEFT brain. His book “At Left brain, Turn Right”, is one of my favorite book. How can we be more engaged in our life? Why do we have pattern? Why do we wear so many layers and masks? Why are we afraid of being truly who we truly are? I was able to sit in for his class last night. And it made me realize how much have I changed since I started. Everything Tony said, everything each student said, resonated with me on some level. Especially, when one of the student was saying this. “I’ve come to realize that who I truly am is so much more grounded and calm, but I feel the need to do something when I am with people even to smile. Now that I’m realizing the true self, I am too afraid to just let myself be and be vulnerable. I am too scared and don’t trust that part of myself quite yet”. That resonated with me so deeply. Most of us just can’t even sit in silent for a minute. We will go on to our phone, check our email or FB, or start listening to music. How about being still? How about just listening to what’s going on? How about just let yourself be and enjoy the silence? Can you listen to your heart beat? Why do we need to fill the silence? Because we think what is there is not enough. We have cultivated scarcity mindset so deeply, that we can’t even be in silence for a minute. But who we are, and who you are, is enough. Just being there is enough. It’s so hard to get that through our thick skull, isn’t it? It’s really hard. I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know how many layers I have to rip off to get to the authentic self. Most of us likely to have so many layers and that has become our norm. We think that the layered up person, whoever that is, is our true self. We say “this is not who I am” “this is what I do” “I just don’t know how else to go about it”… After all the years, all the defense mechanisms and habits, layers and lies, we started to believe that that’s who we are. And most of us don’t even remember or know that somewhere deep inside, there’s an authentic ourself dying to live this life the fullest. Tony said something profound last night. “You don’t layer anything, you UNLAYER EVERYTHING and just be in the moment”. I truly wish that everyone can be in the class. It makes you uncomfortable, scared, and even want to run away. But this is the safest place to explore and invest in yourself. We owe it to ourself. The other day, our lecture was about empathy. We emphasize to others because we see something there that we see in ourself. We are all the same energetic being forming different shapes and size, and we are one collective being. And that’s we can relate and empathize others. Because we were formed with the exact same formula, the energy, so why can’t we empathize and connect to everyone? “I see myself in you”. So, even if we can’t fill other people’s shoes, we CAN still connect to the other person. How is it like to be you? If we could invest in trying to see the world from that perspective, we are all one, maybe we don’t even need to know who we are as an individual. Because we are just all one same energetic and vibrational being, at the end anyways. Eckart Tolle talked about that I think. First, we have to understand our ego to let go our ego. 

So, let’s go back to the question again. Who am I? I am myself, and I am you. And I am nowhere near the second part. I am barely scratching the surface of my “EGO” self. I don’t even know how many layers I still have to go through. All the work I’ve been doing, has already made tremendous amount of joy and bliss in my life. One of the biggest success was detachment from the finance. I used to care so much about how much money I have in the bank account. It still hits me once in a while, but for the most of the part, I’ve gotten better. And my mantra has switched to “The Universe’s got my back”. I started to investing in myself more, taking classes, spending more time with friends and family, getting books and magazines that fuel my soul (live happy and mindful magazines are my favorites). God, I am learning so much. I am nowhere near perfect. I have made tons and tons of mistakes that I wish I could take back. But I’m learning so much and starting to let go of those past. And sometimes that scares me because I am so happy but I don’t know if I deserve to be this happy for all those things from the past. And I push myself back in t the route of “you can’t for get about this” “you need to be punished for this mistakes and that mistakes” “You don’t deserve to be this happy because there’re people who’re suffering”. keep bringing myself to be not happy, holding on to the crutches. My life has been changing so much and it’s blowing my mind. I’m meeting so many amazing people, having wonderful experiences, learning so much about life and about myself. And things are starting to manifest and unfold. It’s just crazy. Life is full of miracles and I just don’t understand. so if you ask me “who I am”, I’d say, this “I have no idea. I am work in progress”. i don’t know how the world sees me. People often tells me that I am very happy person, and I guess I am. I love to laugh, smile and play. My mother said and Mary Poppins said “Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine goes down in the most DELIGHTFUL WAYS”. it’s about perception. It’s about finding fun. it’s about shifting paradigm. It’s about serving the Universe. People have told me time to time in the past, “you seem like you have no worries in the world”. The first time I heard I got upset. Because I thought they were saying that I am stupid. I was going through whatever it was I was going through at that point, I think I was freshman in high school. I told my father about this. Then he said, “Isn’t that the best compliment?” I didn’t understand that before. Considering that some smile and laughter are part of the defense mechanism and pattern, it might not be quite true. But being perceived as a happy person, a person with bliss, a person who is enjoying the life, I now understand that that IS the best compliment I could ever ask for. It doesn’t mean that I am happy all the time. No. things happen. But the difference is that I am more available to whatever that might be happening. I am more capable of feeling things, accepting things, going through things. A friend of mine told me while ago, "the more available you are, the bigger your trouble would be, just like Oprah. But that happens only because you have the tools to deal with them.“ Being available doesn’t mean that accepting the facts as matter of facts and leave it there. It means that accept the fact, then learn and grow from it. It’s not always going to be about us, most likely, if you could be in the level of Oprah, most of the problems will not even be about you. That’s where the “I see myself in you” comes in. I am part of you, so how can I be your service? I’ve been having the feeling that spreading these ideas and acting upon are the path the Universe wants me to take. Maybe not. Who knows? But I am trying to learn more and listen more about what the Universe is telling me. All I know now is that I am on this beautiful journey and cannot wait to see what’s out there. 

Always, LOVE+HOPE+FAITH

Everyone's story.

“But what's real? You can't find the truth. You just pick the lie you like best. As long as you know that everything's a lie, you can't hurt yourself.” 
― Marilyn Manson

When you look at this picture, do you see a rabbit, or a duck? That's a paradigm shift. There're always more than one side to a story. The one you actually experience, the one that you tell yourself that's the truth, the one other people tell. And depending on the situation, there could be more stories. The more people are involved, the more stories there will be. Any stories can be told from the hero's point of vies, the villain's point of view, or a trapped princess's point of view, or a passerby's point of view. Which story are you telling it to yourself? 

I am so fortunate to have a wise mom. She always told me to see the other sides of the stories, the situations, and the people. "If people are acting in the ways you don't like, instead of getting upset over it, be sorry for them or be grateful that you're not like them, or realize that they are just jealous of you." I always thought this was a genius idea. And when you start seeing from this perspective, you start see people in different ways. It's different from thinking "Oh I am better than you". That's not the case. There are ways to express your truth. And if people are hurting you, maybe they are just afraid, maybe they feel threatened by you, maybe they are seeing what they want in you. But the moment you change your perspective, you see different stories. 

I have been doing lots of digging lately and it has been pretty intense. My teachers are amazing and help me tap into the things that's deep down both from physical and mental aspects. I couldn't ask for better teachers. All those things that's coming up, there are truth and lies. some are very ugly. Some are very sad. Some are very upsetting. Some are very shameful. Some are lovely. Some are wonderful... And we might not find out the truth ever. What's true and what's real might not be the same. Again, the same event, a villain and a hero tell different stories. We only remember our stories, don't we? And the older we get, we tend to convince ourselves to believe OUR stories, how it should be, what should happen, how you should feel. All the "should"s and conscious choices start to take over our feelings, analyze the event, and create a story so called "truth". It's all controlled. We all learn to do these things. And we start to believe that's the TRUTH. Again, the older we get, the more clever we get, the more protective we get, the more analytical we get. And guess what, we also become numb to our own true feelings. That habit becomes automatic. Every stories are filtered and "should" based. And why do we do that? I think it all started from the defense mechanism, one way or the other. But to protect ourselves from getting hurt, seeing the truth, admitting our wrongs, feeling ashamed... It's time for us to start telling the truth. All those feelings are there for a reason. And the moment you acknowledge that fact that those feelings are there, you will start seeing things differently. Because you are more honest to your true self. And being able to let yourself feel all that takes enormous amount of courage. But if we let ourselves feel all those things we've been avoiding, we might be able to see the truth eventually. We might be able to peel off all the layers of lies and emphasized details and fixated stories. And why do we want to do that? It's rough. It's too much. it's going to make us crazy... True. But you will be able to see things from the place of love and light. You will understand others better. You will see the stories better.

I barely started stepping on to this journey and it's already been crazy. It's not the overnight fix. It's a life time journey that everyone go through. And I understand that this is totally my opinion and some of you might not even understand or agree with this. And that's ok. Everyone's journey is different. And that's the beauty of it. Everyone's story is different. It's all unique, beautiful and perfect in its own way. Embrace your journey. Enjoy the ride. Whatever that means to you.

love, hope, faith. 

you don't have to do it alone. just talk

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.” 
― John Lennon

Having a good community where you can get love and support is so important. Because none of us can live alone and we shouldn't in a first place. And last week, the importance of "good community" kept coming up in conversation. I am fortunate and grateful to find different communities with people that I love and whom I can count on. But a community doesn't just start out of no where, does it? It is born when group of like minded people get tother for the same motivation, cause, or the goal. And together, they thrive to better themselves, and support each other when needed. 

Last night was one epic moment for the Asian American community that I call home. I wouldn't have been here without this organization and this family, National Asian Artists Projects. Along with legendary Baayork Lee, Steven Eng and Nina Zoie Lam founded this organization for Asian American community 5 years ago. So that we, Asian American,  can go beyond and reach our full potential, and have family and friends. I have so much respect for these people and no words can express enough. They genuinely want what's good for us and are willing to fight for it. When I first moved to NYC, they welcomed me with open arms. They became my friends and family. This industry can be, and is, competitive. But this place is always filled with love and support. And not only that they know when to be tough on us, so that they can push us forward. Congratulations to all your success, your journey and what's more to come. 

In any of the community, or the group of friends that I was able to take a part in, there's a one thing that's in common. "LOVE". We just fell in love with each other. We are all from all over the place. Different background, different culture, we are different ages.... But there was a connection, a certain kind of bond. I don't know why. But there was something that makes me want to become better. At first it was kinda opposite. I just got nervous and intimidated by their looks, their attitude, their knowledge and experiences. I felt that it wasn't the right place for me. Jumping into a new place was/is not something I'm good at to begin with. I kept asking myself, why am I here with all these amazing people? I tried to convince myself that the fact that I am here means that I belong here. But let's face it, it wasn't working for a long time, and I still have those days. After all, I haven't done any shows(full productions) in close to a decade. Sharing a stage with those amazing people made me think, "maybe I don't have what it takes to be a lead, I am just an ensemble material.... " At the same time, there's a part of me with strong ego says, "why am I not singing that solo piece? I can do it too. No, I can do it better." Those two fight against each other, and every time it ends with this.. "STOP IT! this is not about comparing yourself to others. They did their share of work. Only competitor is you. GET OVER YOURSELF!" It's so easy to compare ourself in this business. The people who book more jobs. The ones that doesn't. Simple. It's so easy to fall into the rabbit hole and beat yourself up, IF you are doing this alone.

The thing about having a great support system and community is that you don't have to do it alone. Not only when you're down, but you can also celebrate together. The other day, I had a breakdown during the class. Because I was feeling stuck for a good amount of the time, while looking at others improving and shining. I felt myself shrinking day by day. And my teacher caught it and called me out on that. "What's going on?" I broke down. At the end of the class, everyone gave me a hug and told me how much they love me and that they understand me because they've all been there. Feeling stuck. Comparing to others. Beating up yourself. Wanting to quit, thinking that you're not good enough.... You don't have to go into the meetings or a club to build a community. Your family and your friends are there for you. You don't have to do it alone, and you shouldn't  in the first place. It's hard to share what you're going through or what you're feeling, especially the first time. You feel ashamed or embarrassed or you're wasting their time. But you're not. If they think that's the case, they won't be there to begin with. So next time someone asks how you are doing, just talk to them. It might not make any sense. It might have absolutely no structure and you could be just blabbing whatever that comes out of your mouth. But if you know that you need a support and some love, talk to someone. You really don't have to do it alone. and remember, you are not alone. And maybe, by you talking to someone, could change their perspective too.

love, hope, faith

life long lessons

“I am not a teacher, but an awakener.” 

― Robert Frost

Life teaches us lessons. And we are oblivious to most of the lessons that's our there. Because our ego says, "We know better". As we grow older and have more experiences, we stop learning. We become less open to what others might have to say. We become more cautious. We become less adventurous. We can learn anything and from anyone if, and only if, we are willing to learn. It's easier when we were kids, wasn't it? Because we knew that there were so much more out there that we didn't know. We were meant to learn. That was our job. Go to school, do homework, prepare for tests. "Student" that was our job title back then. So our mentality was different. Then the moment we got out from the school, and entered the "real world" the whole thing changed. We were no longer a student. Our position changed. We became a part of grown-up. Not knowing was considered as "not good" or "shame", which turned into fear of asking. We are "suppose to" know things. Our curiosity and interest level decrease and our life might have became routine and mundane. Does that sound familiar?

Every events, every person, everything and anything that comes into our life teaches us lessons. not only happiness and fun things that we remember, but also the pain and agony that we went through teach us lessons. If anything, that might teach us more. So, let me ask you a question.

If you had an option to go back in time and do over, knowing what you already know, 

will you choose to live as yourself? 

Will you choose your parents(if you have a choice that is)? 

Will you go to the same school? 

Will you choose the same career? 

Will you still marry this person? 

Will you still choose the path you took? 

Or will you not? 

There is a song that I love, "If I were born again, I'd love to live as who I am. With this body, with this spirit, I've thrived this life. Everything I've done is for happiness". Will I choose my life as who I am again? If someone asked me that question a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to answer yes right away. I'd be like "Maybe". Will I choose my parents? Absolutely YES. Will you go to the same school? maybe not. Will I still choose all the other circumstances that I've been through? Not all of it, especially the painful parts. Will I choose the career? If I know where I'm going or what I should be doing, I'd have started way earlier. What I've been through, what you've went through, there were purposes and lessons. Right? Whether you are able to see it, or understand it, or learned something, the answer is YES. It's just how it is. If I didn't go to the school, I wouldn't have met my best friend. If I didn't have that job I hated, I wouldn't have met this wonderful person. If I didn't chose to take this path, I wouldn't have known what I was suppose to do. If I didn't get in fight with that girl, I wouldn't have learned that lessons..... There are things that's obvious. And there are so much more that I haven't even realized. 

Everything happens for a reason. Everything you meet, you are suppose to learn from that person or you are suppose to teach something. We tend to hold grudges against our past, don't we? We hold on to our pains and sorrows, and we victimize ourselves. It starts as a defense mechanism. So that we won't get hurt anymore. We don't have to feel the pain any more. We will have someone who'll take care of us and feel sorry for us. And the longer we do it, we start to believe that is the reality. But the truth is that you are hiding. You are hiding from your true potential and possibilities that the Universe has to offer. Maybe you are afraid of what you are capable of, beyond all that. And it takes courage to admit all those feelings and deal with it. It's not easy. Or maybe you don't even realize what you are doing!! But if you are thinking, "oh, I wish my life wasn't like this" or "I can't do it, that's just not for me", it's time for you to start digging a little deeper. What made you start thinking that way in the first place? 

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”

― Oprah Winfrey

Maybe, it's time for you to start looking into things from the different perspective. Why do I think this way? Why do I act that way? You might find something, maybe you don't. But you are more than where you are. You are more than you think you can. You are more than good enough. And please know that.

Love, Hope, Fatih

Duality

“In order to eat, you have to be hungry. 

In order to learn, you have to be ignorant. 

Ignorance is a condition of learning. 

Pain is a condition of health. Passion is a condition of thought. Death is a condition of life.” 
― Robert Anton Wilson, Leviathan

So, I was assigned to lead a meditation on "Good and Evil" from "the Prophet" by Khalil Gibran this week. And funny enough, right after that I had a great conversation with group of people about conflicting feelings of good and evil.

When people started to focusing on good things, being grateful, have gratitude, starting to live in light, whenever the weakness, sadness or any negative feeling comes up, they start to feel guilty. I should be living with the positive attitude. I should not be feeling this way. My life isn't that bad, why am I feeling this way. I should be grateful instead of feeling this way... So the guild comes up. Having all those feelings doesn't make you good or bad. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It only makes you a human. Is it wrong to have those so called "negative" feelings? Why can't those just be feelings? It doesn't mean you have to push those feelings aside and ignore it. You have to allow yourself to feel those emotions. It's there for a reason. and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Choosing to live the way of light, doesn't mean that you are perfect, nor imperfect. It just means that you choose to see things and live your life from the place of love.

"You are good when you are one with yourself.

Yet, when you are not one with yourself you are not evil.

For a divided house is not a den of thieves; it is only a divided house. 

A ship without rudder may wander aimlessly amount perilous isles yet sink not to the bottom.

You are good when you strive to give of you.

Yet you are not evil when you seek gain for yourself."

-Kahalil Gibran-

We are all one and yet we are all different. We both have two opposing elements within us. Everything coexists. There's always beginning and the end. Yes and No. Good and Evil.  People often say that in order for you to see the light, you have to be in the darkness. it's the similar thing. In order for you to be kind and compassionate, you have to learn the pain. In order for you to be positive, you have to know the negative. In order for you to be loved, you have to first know how to love. Just because you know the pain, anger, or negative feelings, it doesn't make you any less. You just know the both side. You just know the options you can take.  It just makes you YOU. You You are enough. Choose love for others, choose love for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions is love. Be kind to yourself. Be love for yourself. Be you. 

Love, Hope, Faith

Don't fall for the temporary fill

Your task is not to seek for Love, 

but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. 

-Rumi-

When was the last time you felt lonely? Was it today? Yesterday? or even right now? Why do we feel that way? And in order for us to fill that void, or the emptiness, what do we do? 

We distract ourselves from the problem, instead of facing the roots, the factor what's causing us to feel that way. It forces us to face the reality, the pain, and the memories. It leads us towards the negative. I think that the main reason why we don't like to face the problem is that it made us admit that we have problems. At least to me, that's how it is. It forces me to admit that I am not what I want to portray, want to be, or what I think I should be. And the truth is that none of that matters. Because those are the things for other people, and not for myself. Because we are not responsible for other people's opinion about us. We have absolutely no control over that. Then why do we care about that so much, when the reality is that everybody else is also thinking so much about what other people are thinking about them? 

The other day, I texted my friend in the morning and she didn't text me back till after midnight. She said her phone died earlier and couldn't get back to me. That's nothing have to do with me. But in my head, I was going crazy. Maybe I did something to upset her. Maybe I said something. Maybe she doesn't want to be my friend any more..... When I was little, whenever my mother and my sister were arguing, I always thought that was my fault. I didn't think I was a good daughter or a sister to them. I don't know why I did that. When I told them about this, they just laughed and said "Those weren't even arguments. We were just talking. You silly." I didn't know what to respond to that.  But as far as I could remember, that was my tendency to do that. Whenever my friends or anywhere near me acted in a weird way, or different from usual way, not looking happy in general, I thought that was my fault. It's a bad habit, isn't it? I always assumed that whatever that maybe that's causing them the pain, annoyance, irritation was me. The truth is probably that has nothing to do with me. But it made me feel that I wasn't meeting their expectation, living up to what they want from me, I wasn't good enough. 

I don't remember why I started acting/thinking that way. Maybe I want to be the center of attention all the time. Maybe I have a trust issue. Maybe I have an abandonment issue. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Maybe I'm just way too naive. But I know that I have tons of problems. Right now, I am struggling with getting rid of sugar and drinking. And those are not just bad habits. Those are also the things that can or pretend to fill my void temporarily. But those are temporary. Once the effect wears off, you're back to square one, if anything, you'll be in the worse place than before. The loneliness and the needs to fill the void, cannot be replaced by anything else other than love. You have to love yourself for who you are. Not because of who you want to be or who you appear to be. You have to love yourself not based on other people's opinion about you, but for your opinion about you. You have to love yourself beyond your flaw or mistakes from the past. You have to love yourself, period. Not for others. Not for your parents. But for yourself. 

“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.”– Fred Rogers

remember 9.11.

"I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love." -- Leo Buscaglia

14 years ago, today, 9/11 happened. I was still in Japan. I remember distinctively still. It was like a scene from a movie. I couldn't believe that it was happening for real. I didn't comprehend any of it. Since I've moved here, I met people who lost their family to this tragedy. They were still hurt. They were cooping, but still their hearts were in pain. I can't imagine how it was like to be in their shoes. Right after I moved to United States, I visited NY. A few years after from 9.11. The city was standing back up, in the process of rebuilding the city. And now, 14 years later. Some kids don't even know what happened. They only know it as an information. But NY stood up. And I am here. 

Here's the famous quote from Rocky Balboa ..

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

What do you know about getting back up? We see it in the movies and books all the time. The comeback stories, an underdog becoming a hero, a loser becoming a champion.... What do you know about this? Have you fallen before? Have you expected the defeat and the lost? Nobody's life is perfect. We all have experienced at least some type of disappointments, haven't we? What did you do? First, you just want to blame everything on everything expect yourself. Your circumstances, people around you, the politics, where you were born, what year you were born.... whatever you can think of. You get mad, cry, punch pillows... and you might have stayed in the phase for a long time. Because it wasn't your fault, right? Because you were born under the wrong star, or whatever. You might have even blamed on God. "Why? If you don't want me to succeed, why do you put this feelings and dreams in me?! Are you playing with my feeling? Are you laughing at me?" You told everyone, "you don't know my story". 

Then what did you do? Did someone slap you in the face? Did you have an epiphany? Something happened, didn't it? or you got tired of feeling that way? You are allowed to let yourself wallow and experience the feeling of defeat. As a matter of fact, you should. If you suffocate that feeling, you are going to explode eventually. We are allowed and are suppose to experience feelings no matter what that may be. In order for you to truly move on from there, you have to let yourself feel that what you're feeling. If you are angry at the situation, get mad. If you are sad, cry. If you are frustrated, punch a pillow. let yourself experience it. It takes time to process that feeling. Then, you have to stand up. It doesn't have to be overnight, or in few days. You can take your time. But when the moment comes, and you KNOW when that is, you just gotta stand up. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for what matters to you. For your dream. For your family. For what you believe in. And for YOURSELF. You might have lost your loved one. You might have lost your dream. You might have lost your faith. You might have even lost yourself. But you are still alive. You are still here. That means something. That means that there's something you still have to do. The only way to find out is to give it a shot. Take it day by day, step by step. Get back up. If you fall, do it again. As long as you are alive, you still have something to do, you are still worth living, you are worth it. At least, that's what I try to tell myself whenever I feel like that anyways. I have hard time listening to that as well. So, let's try it together. one step at a time. at least you are not alone. 

love, hope, faith

how much do you actually know about yourself?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” 
― C.G. Jung

How much do you think you know about yourself? And how much do you actually KNOW about yourself? Not how you want yourself to be or how you don't yourself to be, but the genuine you. How much do you know about that person? Are you afraid to get to know that person? Or are you willing to know that person? Who are you anyways?

We will never know the answer, won't we? I think that's the whole point of our life, our journey. We all search for that answer, till the day our spirit leaves our body. So, all we have to do is to live our life the fullest. Follow what your heart tells you and serve your passion, which could ultimately be your purpose. In order for you to do that, first, you have to know where you are and who you are in this point of your life. You may not be where you've imagined yourself to be, but you're better than you could have been. So, let's be grateful for that. But accepting who you are and where you are right now is not the easiest thing. It's rough.

This year has been a quite year so far. Definitely a transitioning period. Things are moving to a completely different direction than before, which I wouldn't have even imagined. And going through that period made me see a lot about myself. A lot more than maybe I want to. It has been challenging for sure. It made me go out of comfort zone, at least to a certain level and I know I should be going further than this.  We, the grown ups, love to show what we want to show to others. We like to look successful, composed, and perfect, in a way. For who? Why are we afraid of showing who we are? Why can't we just be who we are? Why should we embarrassed by who we are? Because our societies have created expectations and ideas in our heads from the beginning. Those images or videos.... those are not the reality. But we believe that is the reality. I realized that I am terrified of lots of things lately. Last few weeks, actually. Intimacy issues, trust issues, self-love issues, eating issues, and the list just goes on. I have so many rules that I made up, and don't want to bend it. For example, I have my routine when I wake up. And I will be so upset if I can't follow through. Because of that I haven't really like(or done) any sleepover at all. I have some OCD and control issues around the kitchen. And I don't like it when people do it differently. I feel like I've been wanting to cry for last few weeks and yet I haven't been able to. I don't know how to talk to people eye to eye when things become very personal. I don't like to talk about myself. (I can write about it, but not TALK to actual people in front of me.) I don't really know how to ask people for help. My eating habit is still not that great. I keep adding things to my schedule whenever I have time which makes me feel guilty etc, etc, etc.......

These are just the tip of the iceberg. I'm pretty sure everyone's got issues. And my issues don't seem that serious. But the truth is, that I didn't know these issues existed before. That was a bigger issue. Now that I am finding out all these issues, more and more are showing up and telling me, "hey, you need to work on these issues too". And it's rough. Then I go back to what I preach all the time. You have to love yourself for who you are and accept where you are". I have such a hard time doing it. I am willing to do that though. As the quote says. it's terrifying to accept who you are COMPLETELY! Any transitioning period is rough, and it's needed. Not a single car can keep running without refueling or maintenance. So are you willing to go through it? See and accept yourself for truly who you are? I hope you are. Because you are worth it. Because you are born to be better. Because you are already here.

Read this article by Purpose Fairy→ On Learning to make peach with your life

Love, Hope, Faith

You don't have to be alone

I just watched this news on CNN and it made me really sad.  Japan's worst day for teen suicide. Because I understand where she comes from. I wasn't bullied physically. But mentally and emotionally, there were many days that I didn't know why or how I needed to keep going. And it was hard. It made me feel that I was worthless. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't loved. (well, except for my family). And it took me long time to start believing in people again. I am not saying that I had a horrible childhood. I was blessed to have my family who loved me so deeply. I was blessed to have found love for music and books. I was blessed to have met a friend who saw good in me. But I struggled in my own way. 

my mother taught me to find good in people, even in those who you don't get along. She also told me that whenever I see people doing something I don't agree or I don't like, just be glad that I am not that person. Feel sorry for that person. Those were literally the greatest lessons I ever learned from her. 

It's hard to tell people or talk to people when they are hurt, struggling, even lost hope. If you're a teenager, your school life is pretty much your world. So, what can you do when the whole world is collapsing on top of you? You really can't. But you are not alone. You are always good enough. You are always beautiful. You are always worth it. And you will find strength in you. You might not believe me now and it's fine. But don't give up on your life or yourself just yet. please don't take your life. 

“ You Chose 

You chose.

You chose.

You chose.

You chose to give away your love.

You chose to have a broken heart. 

You chose to give up. 

You chose to hang on.

You chose to react.

You chose to feel insecure.

You chose to feel anger.

You chose to fight back.

You chose to have hope.

You chose to be naïve. 

You chose to ignore your intuition.

You chose to ignore advice.

You chose to look the other way. 

You chose to not listen. 

You chose to be stuck in the past. 

You chose your perspective. 

You chose to blame. 

You chose to be right.

You chose your pride. 

You chose your games.

You chose your ego.

You chose your paranoia. 

You chose to compete.

You chose your enemies.

You chose your consequences.

You chose.

You chose.

You chose.

You chose.

However, you are not alone. Generations of women in your family have chosen. Women around the world have chosen. We all have chosen at one time in our lives. We stand behind you now screaming: 

Choose to let go.

Choose dignity. 

Choose to forgive yourself.

Choose to forgive others.

Choose to see your value.

Choose to show the world you’re not a victim.

Choose to make us proud.” 

― Shannon L. Alder