Don't fall for the temporary fill

Your task is not to seek for Love, 

but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. 

-Rumi-

When was the last time you felt lonely? Was it today? Yesterday? or even right now? Why do we feel that way? And in order for us to fill that void, or the emptiness, what do we do? 

We distract ourselves from the problem, instead of facing the roots, the factor what's causing us to feel that way. It forces us to face the reality, the pain, and the memories. It leads us towards the negative. I think that the main reason why we don't like to face the problem is that it made us admit that we have problems. At least to me, that's how it is. It forces me to admit that I am not what I want to portray, want to be, or what I think I should be. And the truth is that none of that matters. Because those are the things for other people, and not for myself. Because we are not responsible for other people's opinion about us. We have absolutely no control over that. Then why do we care about that so much, when the reality is that everybody else is also thinking so much about what other people are thinking about them? 

The other day, I texted my friend in the morning and she didn't text me back till after midnight. She said her phone died earlier and couldn't get back to me. That's nothing have to do with me. But in my head, I was going crazy. Maybe I did something to upset her. Maybe I said something. Maybe she doesn't want to be my friend any more..... When I was little, whenever my mother and my sister were arguing, I always thought that was my fault. I didn't think I was a good daughter or a sister to them. I don't know why I did that. When I told them about this, they just laughed and said "Those weren't even arguments. We were just talking. You silly." I didn't know what to respond to that.  But as far as I could remember, that was my tendency to do that. Whenever my friends or anywhere near me acted in a weird way, or different from usual way, not looking happy in general, I thought that was my fault. It's a bad habit, isn't it? I always assumed that whatever that maybe that's causing them the pain, annoyance, irritation was me. The truth is probably that has nothing to do with me. But it made me feel that I wasn't meeting their expectation, living up to what they want from me, I wasn't good enough. 

I don't remember why I started acting/thinking that way. Maybe I want to be the center of attention all the time. Maybe I have a trust issue. Maybe I have an abandonment issue. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Maybe I'm just way too naive. But I know that I have tons of problems. Right now, I am struggling with getting rid of sugar and drinking. And those are not just bad habits. Those are also the things that can or pretend to fill my void temporarily. But those are temporary. Once the effect wears off, you're back to square one, if anything, you'll be in the worse place than before. The loneliness and the needs to fill the void, cannot be replaced by anything else other than love. You have to love yourself for who you are. Not because of who you want to be or who you appear to be. You have to love yourself not based on other people's opinion about you, but for your opinion about you. You have to love yourself beyond your flaw or mistakes from the past. You have to love yourself, period. Not for others. Not for your parents. But for yourself. 

“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.”– Fred Rogers