Being alive = Feeling happens

“But feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” 
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

It's not easy to let yourself feel, isn't it? Especially the ones that you are not used to. You forget how you let yourself feel, and how it feels and what that emotion is like. You just feel the discomfort and disconnect from yourself. You keep wondering what's going on in your head. Then you start wondering if there's something wrong with you for not being able to shake that off, for not being able to feel "happy", for not being able to find out what you are feeling. 

As we grow older, we avoid conflicts and discomfort. We protect ourselves from feeling the pain and anxiety. We learn to mask ourselves to show others that we are ok and happy. Why is it not ok to just feel? Where did we get that ideas from? Why did we stop letting ourselves feel? I think a lot of it came from the pain and trauma. The pressure and the expectations. From friends, family, society, and the yourself. You are an adult, you are suppose to act this way! You are not a child, you aren't suppose to cry over this! But why do we have to do that? all those feelings are there for a reason. A simple fact that you are alive. That's it. You are alive and feeling. and whatever it is that you are feeling, it's not invalid or unworthy. Everything you are experiencing are there for you to feel. 

The other day, I just couldn't stop myself from feeling disconnected. I thought I was angry and upset from what happened the day before. And the fact that I thought I was upset made me more upset. Because it's not like it was a life or death thing. I am suppose to be grateful and be happy. But I wasn't. And that made me feel even worth. Then I realized. I was hurt. I wasn't angry or upset. I was hurt. The moment I realized that there was an ease. It was ok for me to feel hurt. And I wasn't letting myself feel that. Just because you are feeling it doesn't mean that you have to broadcast your feeling to the world. It doesn't mean that you have to act accordingly. It just means that you are feeling that particular emotion. And it's ok for to you feel that. Anger, Sadness, Hurt, Betrayal, Happiness, Jealous, Excitement, Gratitude, ... we are vibrational beings. We are energy. It's only natural for us to feel. As a matter of fact, it's crazy not to feel. Let yourself feel all those things. Just take that in. Accept the fact that you are feeling that way. You can punch a pillow, or scream in your room. Jump up and down. Everyone is feeling, just because we are alive. There's nothing wrong with it. Allow yourself to feel it. 

Love, Hope and Faith

our own happy ending

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”― Theodore Roosevelt

We all know that don't we? We've all been there, check Facebook and Instagram, Twitter, TV... you see all those things and compare yourself with others. The simple questions. "What about me?" "Why they are there, and I'm here?" "What am I doing it wrong?" Those questions will lead you to the self criticism and self destruction. "What is wrong with me?" "Why am I not good enough?" "Am I not smart enough?" "Am I not tall enough?" "Am I not pretty enough?" Then, there are more. "It's a waste of time". "I am not gonna make it anyway, why even try?" "I don't have what it takes." "Why do I even bother?"

So how do we stop ourselves from comparing with others? To tell you the truth, I don't know the exact answer for that. There are literally many many articles and books about those. I just read this article on becoming minimalist. Also, Anthony Meindl said "We are perfectly imperfect". And I do believe that we are aware of those ideas and concept of that. Then why is it so difficult to put that into practice? I mean, it's same with everything, right? It's easy to get that knowledges and concept of what we are suppose to be doing or thinking. Especially when those ideas come in to our lives as a new information, we get excited. We have all the expectations and ideas about how those new ideas and practices can change our life drastically. Just like a magic wand. Poof!!! A miracle happens. Now your life is perfect and you are the guru of this new practice. But let's face it. That's not the case. Hardly ever!! There is no magic wand or a miracle that can change your life over night. We are all we got. 

Accepting and embracing who we are, genuinely who we are, that's what we are here for. That's our journey. Most of us have some type of masks or layers or self defense mechanism that we build up over the years. We mask certain feelings. We hide certain truth. We protect ourselves from getting hurt. And we all want happiness, don't we? We want a nice place to live. A job that you love. A family that loves you. A partner who you love and can count on. A life with happiness. And when you see that what you have is not what you want, that makes us feel like we are not doing things right. I should have listened to mom. I should have finished the school. I should have done the exercise. I should have tried harder... should have, should have, should have.... those are the things that we cannot change. We cannot alter what has already happened in our lives. We cannot go back in time to change that. How we wish we can, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. What we can do is to learn from the past. You didn't listen to your mother, so what did you learn? You didn't finish the school. Ok. Do you want to go back to school? Do you want other type of education for yourself? What did you learn from not finishing the school? Think about that without criticizing yourself. Just ask yourself questions. What do I want? And when you know what you want, think about what you need to do to get there. Knowing what you want is half of the battle. 

You don't know other people's story. Nobody knows your entire story but you. Why do you compare yourself to other people's momentary achievement or highlight. Those are their moments. You have yours. We are all different in specific way so that we can create something together. If we are all the same, imagine how boring this world could be!? I can't tell you to stop comparing yourself to others. All I can tell you is that you are different for a reason, just like I am different for a reason. And we are both perfectly imperfect. It's ok to be weak. It's ok to be sad, mad, crazy, fun... or whatever it is that we are feeling. And it's ok to be not where you want to be and to be where you are. all those detours and stops we've been through have shaped us become who we are, brought us to be with people we love, gave us a gift to be kind and compassionate towards others. We know pain, and that's the only way to learn to be kind to others. We learned what we needed to know to be right here, right now. And that's a part of our journey. And everybody's journey is different. We are together at some part, and we are not for the rest. We learn from each others, not only from what we are good at, but also from our flaws and mistakes. We can learn from anything and anyone. And we won't know the our happy ending until you die. Isn't a story more interesting when it has more conflicts? We are all in this together to write our own happy ending. 

Help whenever you can

“He who sees a need and waits to be asked for help is as unkind as if he had refused it.” 
― Dante Alighieri

We all need help. We know that we can't live alone. Whether you are introverted or not, you still can't live alone. That's just not possible. So, when you can help others, why not help? 

When you think about helping others, what does that mean to you? Helping the person with physical needs, emotional needs, financial needs or even spiritual needs. A single mother who's in need of taking care of her children. A bullied child who needs some emotional support. A friend who just ended the long term relationship and is in need of some time of comfort.... People's needs are different. And when you can help, help them. But don't look for something in return. Don't do it to expect something back. Do it out of love. Do it because it's a right thing to do. Do it because you care about that person. Do it just because you can. Do it just because you want to. And pass it along. 

Do you remember the movie "pay it forward"? just like that. Maybe you can't help someone the way you want to. You can't heal or treat their sickness(unless you are a doctor), you can't pay off their debts and their morgages. You can't revive the person they just lost. And that's ok. Be there for the person in whatever way you can, or give some space, if that's what the person wants. Smile for them. Give them a hug. Listen to what they have to say. Just simply be there for the person. You can't change the circumstances for them. But if you can just be there for them, and by you being there if they could change their mind/attitude towards the circumstances, isn't just worth doing for? Most of their needs are not life changing or life threatening, at least I hope so. We all struggle. We all know what it's like to be in the place. And when we are in that ditch, we ask for help. We ask for anything to get us out of the place. And maybe the whole reason that we all go through those pains and hardships are sot that we can help each others. Only the ones who know the pain understand the pain of others, don't you think? You can be kind to others, because others were nice to you. Or maybe because others weren't nice to you. Don't give up on your temporary circumstances. Don't let others give up on their life either. We are all here for each others. So support each other. Love each other. 

I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.-Pay It Forward "Trevor McKenney"

Love, Hope, Faith

everyday is somebody's birthday

“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. 

And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.” 
― Maya Angelou, Celebrations: Rituals of Peace and Prayer

Today is my birthday. 2/22. I love my birthday because it's so easy to remember. My father's birthday is 8/8 also, easy to remember. Everyday is somebody's birthday. While I was having a birthday dinner, I heard "happy birthday"song from another table. A friend of mine's birthday is also today. Happy birthday. 

The older I get, the more immature I feel. When I was younger, I felt more wise and mature. Yet now it's opposite. I am nowhere I picture myself would be at this age. But, everything I've been through has taught me different lessons, let me to meet new people, let me to have experience something important. I might have taken lots and lots of detour, but I am where I am and who I am because of all that. I made many mistakes, some I wish I didn't. But there's nothing that I could do about it. Time goes on whether I like it or not. God has specific plan for me and I am just here to follow. People have been sending me warm messages and surprise presents. I cannot be more grateful for every single person that I have in my life. I love all these people, especially my family. I love them more than I can possibly imagine. We life a half across the world from each other. We don't talk everyday like most people do. We don't really go into deep conversation like others. We might be dysfunctional in a certain way, but at the end of the day we know that we love each other and we are there for each other. Thank you guys for all your love and support. 

This year has been already challenging for me. Things have been different. Going in, I knew what I wanted to focus on and I thought that the path was clear. But now, I am not sure that it was what I thought it's going to be. I am good at making excuses and justifying myself, which I shouldn't be. I should be doing more, taking more action and living more. And I want to. Getting out of the comfort zone is not the easiest thing. I have to push myself and force myself to go to the next step. I have to speak out my mind and what I want, in order to move forward with my life. I thought my path and my quest were clear, but now that I'm not sure, how am I suppose to know where to begin? I don't know. I want to be creative. I want to take control of my life. I want to be able to paint my nails whenever I want. I want to be able to read more books and write more things. I want to be able to produce things. I want to be able to inspire more people. I want to be able to connect with people more. I want to be able to live and travel more. I want more for me. I've been feeling like stuck in a hole for a while. And it's time for me to get out and take an action. Seriously. I need to be responsible for my own life. 

I am truly grateful for everything and everyone in my life. And it's time for me to give it back. Life is about giving back. Life is about love. Life is about living in the moment. That's how I want to live my life. 

Love, Hope, Faith. 

give yourself a permission

“Positive attitudes qualify you for positive experiences.” 
― Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life

The other day, my teacher was talking about how we should not "disqualify" ourselves from what we want to do. And guess what? We all do that, don't we? We judge ourselves before even try. I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. I don't have enough experience. I don't have enough knowledge. I don't have enough degree to do so........ stop doing that to yourself. We all have to start somewhere, or from nowhere. It does take courage and guts to do that. A lot of people would like to stay where they are comfortable and wish that something magical would happen. But the truth is that we have to take that first step, which is the most difficult one. We have to take that first step and be bold enough to ask for what we want. We have to decide and declare that this is what we want. When you do that and keep taking the action towards it, the Universe will help you. 

Then why do we do that? Why do we disqualify ourself? Why do we believe so little in ourself? People want approval and acknowledgement from the others. We usually want people to tell us that we are good enough and we are qualified, so that we can gain confidence. That's the tricky part. People are looking for someone who is already confidence, who know that they are qualified, who know that they have what it takes. So, it's the other way around, isn't it? We want people to give us the permission to gain confidence. But the only person you need permission from is YOU. You have all the power to decide whether you deserve it or not. You have it in you. Yes, we can't perform surgical operation when you don't have a license and the knowledge. You can't fly an airplane without proper training. those are different stories. That's not what I'm talking about. And you know that. You need to give yourself a permission to go forward and be more. You have it in you. Believe that you are capable. 

love, hope, faith

Every Quest starts from a question.

“Getting lost is just another way of saying 'going exploring.” 

― Justina Chen, North of Beautiful

We all get lost. Right? It's just impossible to stay on course, or stay positive, or smile all the time. It's just impossible. We are not machine. We are all human beings. We feel. We experience. We get lost all the time. What we all have in common is that we start our journey when we were born, and we end that journey when we die. That's what we have in common. No matter who you are or where you are in your life, everything in between is their journey. Everybody takes different path and different approach. Not a single person can have an exact same experience as someone else's. And throughout that journey, we have a purpose to fulfill. And to serve and to share those gifts that's given to you. Especially nowadays, people talk all the time about being present, being mindful, being who you truly are, serving your purpose... They all talk about the same thing. So why is it that we are not doing it? What keeps us away from doing so? 

I think it's because we want to live our life according to our plans. We want to be in control. We want to feel like we are orchestrating our lives. We wish that our "master plan" works perfectly. So when it go off the course, we get lost. We lose our control, which we didn't have to begin with. We like to think that we are smarter than others. We want others to look up to you. We want recognition. We want fame. We want more power and financial control..... we want, we want, we want..... And that might be exactly where things went off course. I believe that we are a tiny part of this Universe and the galaxy which is bigger than we can possibly imagine. I think we are the tiny particle on this earth. I think our ego is bigger than it should be. I believe that this life is about serving, not about gaining. Our gifts are there for us to share. They say that what you want is not important, why you do it and what you do it for, that's what's important. 

People talk about their vision and their calling... Do you know what your calling is? 

The other day, I was watching the video where Oprah and Elizabeth Gilbert talked about people's "Quest". She said "Every quests start from QUESTION(QUEST-tion). What am I here for?". Have you asked yourself that question lately? Or have you ever asked yourself that question? I thought I knew what my calling was, to inspire. Performing has been a choice of my way till now. And starting of this year, I started to take another path as well. To share my ideas and thoughts. "Smile Everyday" Challenge, and blogging, to share the thoughts. Up until right now, my life has been repetition. It was about surviving and not about living. I was doing "whatever I can", to make my life better. My day job, which pays me enough to live comfortably, became my priority. I knew it and I pretend not to see that. I take classes so that I can feel like at least I'm doing something..... I saw that the whole vicious cycle was starting to come out again. And I refuse to let that happen. Why don't I have that courage to move forward? Why don't I take that action? Why don't I do what I say I do? Why don't I? So, I asked again. "God, why am I here for?" Mainly because of fear of failing, fear of not making it, whatever the means, fear of what others might think of me, and lack of confidence and faith... It's funny, because by not doing whatever it is that I should be doing, I am not making any progress anyways. How can I expect different result doing the same thing? people call that definition of insanity. And the fact is that it is TRUE!  And I want to change that. I hate the feeling of being stuck, not going anywhere, not being creative or passionate. I want to live and thrive. I want to THRIVE and we all should. God didn't put us on this earth to just suffer and merely survive. We are here to THRIVE. at least I'd love to think that's what HE wants. I have to stop hesitating. I have to trust and take action. And it takes guts and effort that I haven't done before. And if you want to join me on this journey, let's do it. Let's thrive. Let's enjoy this life and move it to the next level. I haven't heard His answer yet. But I feel like He's waiting for me to take an action. And when I do that He'll tell me the answer. So, let's start this journey by asking the question. "WHAT AM I HERE FOR?" again. "Every quests start from the Question". 

love, hope, faith

always be you

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” 

― May Sarton

Before this commercial became an huge topic yesterday for a super bowl ad, I came across with this while ago. It's amazing how the definition of "like a girl" changes. What is it that makes us feel like we have to act and behave like a certain way?! Are girls suppose to behave more politely than boys? Are girls suppose to be less outspoken or opinionated than boys? Are the girls suppose to stay home and cook for boys? Are the girls not meant to lead a company or team or country? What is it that makes girls different from boys?! And it must happen to male too. Do you have to act certain way because you are male. Are you suppose to be tough, gentle and be a leader, because you are man? Are you not suppose to cry because you are man?! Are you not suppose to wallow or talk about your feeling because you are man?! No. We are both human beings. 

Biologically and genetically we were created differently from the beginning. So, I am not going to say that we are the same. That's not true or the fact. However, we are both human beings and we should be treated , or given opportunities equally. That I stand by very strongly. But before even go into that, what I want to talk about is your authenticity. Especially nowadays, many people talk about "be who you are", "you are good enough", "be authentic" so on and so on. Then what is it that makes us not be that? when do we stopped being who we are? When did we start worrying about what other people think about us? or how people look at us? When did we start worrying about not getting it "RIGHT"? When did we start thinking that certain feelings are bad and certain feelings are good?! When did we start wearing the mask?! 

Everyone has their moments or events that caused you to act certain way. 

A) it could be personal. 

You might have heard your parents saying "no we don't have money for that" or "boys don't act this way" or "stop acting like this!" or anything. Maybe you were bullied. Maybe you heard someone was talking bad behind your back. Maybe you were moving all the time and didn't know how to handle it. Maybe your parents got divorced when you were little. And the fact is that most us don't even remember what triggered what. But every single events that has happened till now, has formed you to be who you are now. You might have created a safety wall between you and certain people. You might have learned to laugh when you are uncomfortable. You might have learned not talk about yourself much because you thought you are not good enough. No matter what it is or what it was that caused you to act certain way, most of the time, you were protecting yourself. 

B) it could be cultural

There are still many places that female are considered not as equal as male. it's sad. also religion could be the reason. For the longest time, in most countries, men had more power than female. And female were expected to serve men, and to be the subordinant. Even historically, many fought for their rights. History and cultures were passed down to centuries and it truly is a form of brainwash. No wonder it's hard to break those mentality of individuals and of course the culture itself. We've been told to do so ever since we were a little kids. 

We all know this, at least we are aware of those things. But what does being authentic means in a first place?! Do we just say whatever we want and do whatever we want? And it sounds like it'll be a chaos. Your feeling matters. Your opinion matters. Do you always have to act out those? Not really. Somebody makes you really upset and want to punch that person, do you have to actually punch that person!? NO! But the fact that you are upset, that feeling itself does matter. You can use other outlet to let those anger out. We all have our defense mechanism that we built throughout the years. 

I am a petite(short), Asian female. Does that mean I am weak!? no. I played sports and work out. I am stronger than people usually assume. Does that mean I know how to do Kung fu, or have a PhD? No. I don't know martial arts and I didn't finish college. Does that mean I should walk 3 steps behind men!? NO. I can walk next to, or even ahead of men if I want to.  I do have my blocks mentally in so many places, and start working on those. I love what I love. Pink is my favorite color. I love red wine and chocolate. I love good music and movies. My passion is to "inspire people". Do I have flaws and bad habits?! Of course I do, so many of them. Do I always have to be positive and happy? No. I don't have to. I would want to be though.  

Explore what you are feeling. Admit what you are feeling inside. Love who you are, including the part that you don't like. Forget what other people might think of you or look at you. It's your life and you are the star. 

Love, hope, faith