A confession of my inner struggle

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” 

― Gautama Buddha

I have been meaning to write this for a while now. Maybe I did somewhere along the way. Maybe I didn't. Yet, past few months has been unbelievably challenging. Only this week, I had few melt down sessions. My poor roommate had to listen to all my screaming and crying. lol. People say the more you are open to life, the bigger your problems will be. Is that the case?

People who know me won't know that I am actually an introvert. I am very shy around people I don't know. I become very quiet. I have been working on talking about myself, looking at people in their eyes, and not deflecting. I can write about myself all day long, yet when it comes to talking to people in person, my vocabulary drops significantly. When I was younger, I promised myself that I won't be one of those complaining pants who complain and whine all the time, that I won't say I am tired when  I am.

Since the last year, my actual spiritual journey started. I have always been a spiritual person, in a sense. I wasn't raised religious. I believe that there's God, I went to Christian church for a while, and yet, I didn't agree with the sense of religion and I chose the path of believing in love, the Universal Love. I believe that we all talk about the same things, in different ways. Everyone is entitled to believe in what they want to believe. I don't want to separate myself because of that, or separate others for that reason. We are all global citizen. We are all people. We are all human. When I started Yoga Teacher's Training, C.R.E.A.T.E., ... it helped me see my limiting beliefs, patterns, shadows, and my light and shadow started to become more obvious. I started to see things in both ways. Positive and negative. Empowering and disempowering. And whenever I would fall back to the old pattern, there were huge confrontation between my old and new ways. "I should be thinking this way!" "This is how you should be reacting. You can learn so much from this". "This isn't about you, this is about how you can serve the others." You are given these amazing opportunities to grow, why aren't you excited?" My inner voice screams out me loud over and over. And I was mad at myself for not feeling that way. The brighter the light shines, the more obvious it is to see where the shadows are.

I love being the happy person that I am. Cheerful, loving, hugging people, smiling and laughing. I love that part of me. I don't even know what triggers me to go to the shadow side. But when I do, I go really dark. Yesterday, I felt completely insignificant at this meeting I attended. I was so excited to be invited. Going in, I was overwhelmed with joy and excitement. I get to be a part of this amazing people who have so much to offer to this community and to this world. Not even the half way done with the introductions, the shadow side kicked in. "Why are you even here? You have nothing to offer. You don't even have an opinion on this. You have nothing to bring on to the table. These are the things that you want to do but without YOU being in the front/leader. You can't even understand ENGLISH FOR GOD'S SAKE!". As that voice become louder, the light side of me screamed back. "This is about what's bigger than me. So many people need this. You are surrounded by these amazing people and you get to learn EXACTLY what you want to do. This is the best opportunity anyone can get. Embrace it. You are invited to be a part of this, so of course you deserve to be here!" The battle kept going. When I walked out, all I could think was this..

"OMG, I don't trust myself or believe in myself at all".

"Be careful what you wish for"... I got what I want. Great team, group of people who are motivated, who wants to serve the Universe, and people who want to help me. I got an opportunity to learn what I want to do. I should be jumping up and down for this. People would love to be in my shoes. Why can't I feel like that? What it is about me that make me see myself so little and insignificant? What is it that's stopping me from believing in myself? I got bullied a lot growing up. Who doesn't nowadays. And that's half the life time ago. During that time,  I wrote on my wrist everyday with a permanent marker, "I AM NOT THE PRIORITY". Is it why I still don't trust myself? My parents believe in me blindly, especially my mother. She believes in me so blindly and it doesn't make any sense. People around me tell me things and yet, I don't see myself that way. I felt isolated and disconnected. The fact that I was included in the circle, yet not connecting to them in that level made me feel even more isolated and disconnected.

So why am I writing this? A) I wanted to get it out of my system. B) I want to make a statement. Not even within a year, my life has shifted in a way I didn't imagine. And I learned the concepts and ideas, roadmaps and guides. Now, I am being tested by the Universe to walk through that path. I can easily quit and go back to the easy way. It feels like I am forced into change. the floodgate has opened and everything that was stuck before is about to come through with great force. It's a process. And now is probably the best time to start. I am definitely tortoise. I learn slow. But I will learn to embrace myself, trust myself. And have fun being me. Some days are better than the others. When it's low, I just wanna shoot myself. On good days, I feel like I am on the top of the world. And I'm sure that i am not the only person. So, I am not alone. If we are all one, if we are all love, like I always preach, there's nothing to be afraid of, is it? I am here. I am still here. As yoda says, there's no trying. you just do. As they say, you don't know how to love or help others until you know how to love and help yourself first.

That's my confession of the day. I am here, still here. The proclamation I made the other day was this

"I am seen, worthy, perfectly imperfect leader creating Love+Live+Life empire to encourage and empower people to live up to their fullest potential".

That was weeks ago. Now, I am changing it to this.

"I am courageous, vulnerable, powerful leader creating Love+Live+Life Empire to encourage and empower people to live up to their fullest potential. "

I AM ME. I AM WHERE I AM. Thank you for allowing me to write this.

Love, Hope, Faith

Your WHY will lead you to your path

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” 

― Friedrich Nietzsche

Why do you do what you do? Why don't you do what you want to do? Why do you do what you don't want to do? What's your why?! 

When I first read Simon Sinek's "Start with WHY" it blew my mind. The mindset he explained, was not something I was familiar with. Until then, my reason for doing anything was the goal I wanted to achieve or accomplish. I wanted to get that part in this play. I wanted X amount of money in my bank account. I want WYZ.... I want, I want, I want....All of those were temporary situations which could lead to the next question, "THEN WHAT?" You hear this all the time, when celebrities win their awards the reporters don't ask "Why do you do what you do?", they ask "What's next for you?" We assume that the next events are in line, that something bigger and better are in line... We never satisfy when our motivations come from the material or social accomplishment. But what if things are different? What if we keep asking ourselves the ultimate question of "WHY?" 

What is your why? Have you ever thought about it? Things started to take a huge turn in my life. I was put in the situation I have to constantly remind myself why I do anything I do. It helped to reveal so many limiting beliefs and limiting behaviors. And now that all those patterns are becoming more apparent, I am in a place that requires me to take actions. Actions that will lead me to move forward, to step out of comfort zone, to really dig into why I do anything I do. So, why I do anything I do? 

Because I want to encourage and empower people to live up to their fullest potential. 

I love people. I love people so much. People are fascinating. People are mysterious. People are love. And as much as I love people, I realize that I am terrified of people. I am constantly worrying about how I would look, or how people would judge me. The more I realize my limiting beliefs, the more I know that the only thing that's stopping me from doing anything has ALWAYS been me. Nobody else. Nothing else, but ME. And that's very frustrating. It really is. Even when you are trying to step out of your comfort zone, you are still judging yourself and doing things only to a certain extent. Not all the way.  You are dipping your toe in the water, but not jumping in. All you need to do is just to take a chance and jump. I love when people say, you need to be brave for only 20 seconds. then 20 more seconds, and another 20 seconds and on and on.... We have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. When you know your WHY, things start to change. You realize that your life is not about you. You realize that you are a part of the big pictures. You see that other people have their own stories and you are just translating all those stories from only your perspective. You will not understand fully how to be in other people's shoe. You just won't.  And the hardest part is that you can't do any of this just by reading books or listening to all those motivational speeches. You have to apply this into your life. You have to practice what you learn. You have to act upon and LIVE that life. That's what it means to grow and to move forward. You can't just learn all these things intellectually. 

Before, I didn't understand what my why was. I didn't even know what I wanted to do. I had so many things that I was curious and wanted to do. My energy was scattered all over the place and I was exhausted. When I started working for this company, things started to change. They encouraged me to tap into my why. They encourage me to get uncomfortable and move forward. They lead me to meet people who'll hold me accountable for my actions. Surround yourself with people who'll lift you up and hold you accountable. Go out in the world and see what's out there. Connect with people without any agenda. Experiment. Don't get stuck in one way or the other. And even though it may sound cliche, BE YOU. You can't be anyone else, no matter how much you wish. Be you, be authentic, be unapologetically who you are and believe in yourself and your why. You are worth it. You are more than enough. 

Love, Hope, Faith

Commitment

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. 

Samuel Beckett

In order for you to have an extraordinary life, you have to make an extraordinary effort. And you have to commit to it. In this book "Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson, he talks about how things that makes you successful is easy to do, and also easy NOT to do. I cannot agree with that more. I think I talked about this in the last post. I am really feeling the desire and a need to step out from where I am now. Rather than blaming it on the New Moon and Mercury retrograde, which are my favorite excuses for the past few days. When you really want something, you would not make excuses. Instead, we make excuses why we shouldn't do it. Right? We say to ourselves, "oh, if I want to do this, I have to give up on XYZ" "If I want to work on this, I have to NOT watch my favorite show." "If I want to save money, I have to stop buying the coffee all the time".. so on and so on. We find the evidence in why things won't work. because it's easy that way. Because it's easy to stay in our comfort zone and pretend that we are trying to do good, but the life happens and it's actually not going to happen. We make excuses all the time. The question is "DO YOU REALLY WANT IT?!"

As things starting to shift in my life, I am realizing that I am responsible for my life. A lot more than I  imagined. There are so many limited beliefs and those are the only ones that I am aware of. And those are already not the fun thing to work on. Yet, if I really want to be the best version of myself, which I do want, then I have to face those things and get out of that mentality. As those limited beliefs come up, I've entered the next phase. My awareness for those beliefs and behavioral/emotional/spiritual pattern have improved. And I am also aware of what I should be doing in order for me to move path. I do it in my head. The thing is that I have yet to start act upon it, not fully anyways. I do take micro steps here and there. But am I fully committed to the choices I make, or move that I make?! Sadly, the answer is still NO. Why? Because I am afraid. Those things make me scared. what if people think that I am crazy? What if I don't do it right? What if I am not good enough? Do I want to grow? YES. Absolutely 1000% yes. So, what's stopping me? Myself. It is tough. I admit everything. I have been so good at pretending that everything is sunshine and rainbow. I get intimidated, I get scared, I get nervous. So I'd rather not try. I'd rather not do the thing that makes me better and look "good" than do the things that scares me and learn from it. That was me and big part of me still is that. Recovering perfectionist. The thing that's been hard for me is that my phases are complete bipolar. I would have phases and phases of just doing without fear and attacking. Then there comes the phase that made me feel so insecure and insignificant that I just wanna shoot myself in the head, metaphorically speaking. So, it goes from 1000% super charged to -1000% super drained in a matter of second. Doing meditation and the use of essential oils have been helping me. Yet, it's a journey that I want to move pass and grow forward. They say that the more you're capable as a vessel, the more pain you would feel. Maybe that's happening to me as well. Or, I am just being a complete chicken. The fact is that I would never know. All I can do is to take few moment, breathe deeply and acknowledge that this is where I am, this is something I'm going through now and there's nothing wrong with it. I will learn whatever it is there to learn and move on. It's easier said than done. everything is. And it's easy to do, and it's easy NOT to do. So, what's it gonna be? I want to be the best version of myself, whatever the way the Universe has created me to be. I want to grow farther, thrive and contribute to the Universe. So, I really need to step up. I really WANT to step and be the person, I preach all the time. I am not gonna be the rainbow and sunshine all the time. I am gonna be a person. A person who lives in the moment and embrace every ounce of that moment. And TRIVE. Here, I make a proclamation. I am committing to my growth and fail miserably over and over again so that I could be the best version of myself.

Love, Hope, Faith

Living for your Eulogy

The challenge of the unknown future is so much more exciting 

than the stories of the accomplished past. 

-Simon Sinek-

Let me say this out loud first. I LOVE PEOPLE. If you didn't know. lol. I love people and loving people is my super power. I want in my eulogy that "She was the person who love people so much". That's how I want people to remember. I don't want any title or category. I want people to remember me as a person with love. While back ago, I saw it in the TEDtalk by David Brooks "Should you live for your life for your resume... or your eulogy?" I heard that from all the people you know, when you die, only 5 people would actually cry for your death. Unless you are Micheal Jackson or Prince. That's different. I mean, how many people do you know in your life? How many FB friends or twitter, IG followers do you have? Think about it. If only 5 people cry for your death, and that's if you are lucky, why do you even care about how other people say about you? I'm not saying that just go out and live mindlessly or hurting people intentionally. I'm saying why do you care about how you look or how other people think about you? What we are afraid that if we do this for a certain way, they won't approve of me, or they would hate me, or they will judge me, right? If I don't say the right thing, they would think that I am XYZ... If I don't say yes now, people would think that I am selfish and cruel.... All these thoughts are related to the core fear that "I don't wanna be alone". I don't wanna be alone either. We want connection. We want relationships. We try to fit in. We try to be accepted. We try to wear so many masks so that people can validate you and tell you how amazing you are. Yet you are trying so hard to be the person you are not and after that temporary satisfaction or the fulfillment, you will be left with emptiness. You will be left with the question of "WHO AM I?" So, let's ask yourself now. WHO ARE YOU? 

That's the ultimate question, isn't it? At least to me. I remember answering this question to my friend like this "I don't know who I am. I would find out that when I die, I guess". Such a smart ass. lol. i still believe that though. If we know exactly who we are, we are putting ourselves in a box. We are more than that. Don't limit yourself. You are not where you are, or what you've done, or what you do. Those things cannot define you who you are. Don't let anyone or any circumstances define you. You are limitless. Your potentials are beyond your expectation and imagination. You have so much more in you. As they say, live for your WHY. Why do you do anything you do? What do you want to give to the World? What do you want to share? What do you want to be remembered as? Stop limiting yourself. You heard this before. You are not your bank account. You are not your resume. You are not where you are. You are love, light and divine. Dare to dream. Be bold. And dare to thrive for your life not merely to survive. The slight shift in your everyday life will change you in a long run. The "tiny" mindful moment can change your life forever. Be curious. Be a seeker. Stop making excuses. I am listening to "Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson. "Things to do in order for your to be successful is easy to do, but also easy not to do. " That's true. You can commit yourself to 10 crunches a day, 10 not 100. That's easy right? As he said in the book, it's easy not to do as well and a day of not doing doesn't seem to make a huge difference either. But when the DAY 100 comes, it'll be either you've done 0 or you've done 1,000. That could make some difference in your life. It's fascinating book and I highly recommend that. 

So my point? Start thriving the life. Not because me or somebody else are telling you to do. Do it because you want for yourself. Start taking care of yourself. Start being responsible for your own life. Let'S stop blaming things on others. Start appreciating yourself for who you are and who you are going to be. Start believing in yourself. Start owning the power you have, and you had it all along. Start being you, authentically and unapologetically you. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are divine. And you know that. Start living that way, the way of light and divine. I believe in you. I believe that you can. 

Love, Hope, Faith