the circle of life. Saying goodbye to desperation.

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; 

reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ” 
― Simone Weil

No. It's not the Lion King. But I see my life turning into a completely different circle. And it's just so obvious and funny to see the things that has and hasn't worked out the way I wanted, it just makes sense to me now.

The audition for 2017 Broadway production of Miss Saigon is happening right now here in New York. For those of you who know me, you'd assume that I'd just go crazy and be super obsessed about the whole thing, right? No. Not this time. I was on a hiatus from acting for the past few months. Doing Yoga Teacher's training, doing million things at the time, my mind was not there. So when a friend told me about the audition my reaction even surprised me. "Cool, I'll see if I'd go." WHAT? Did I really just say that?

The sole reason that I moved to NYC 3 years ago was to be on Miss Saigon. I wanted to be Kim. I knew I was going to be Kim. That was it. I was beyond obsessed with this show and this role. So, right when I moved here, it happened to be the time when the audition for the London production was about to be held. I was so excited beyond you can imagine. I was all about it. "This must be the sign from the Universe. It happened right after I moved and I even got an appointment. All the stars are aligned.  This is it!" I got my coaching done. Prepped myself so well. I went into the room. Did the best I can at the moment. And I didn't get a callback. I didn't even get to sing the second song. When I followed up with the Casting Director's assistant, the response I got was this.

"we just didn't think your singing was strong enough to pursue."

I was devastated. It was so nice of him to actually take time to write me back. I was so grateful for that. But again, I was devastated. But I got myself together and told myself "well, if that's what they think, I just need to work on my singing then."

3 years fast forward. 2nd day of the 3 day audition. I showed up. I was #17 on the EMC list. I thought they won't see me till after the lunch. So I left. When I come back to the room after lunch they've already called my name and the monitor told me to sign at the bottom of the non-union list, which was #75. Stupid me. If it was 3 years ago, I'd have been crying. Crying for my stupidity. But instead, I laughed. It was just so funny. The fact that there was another day of audition did help, but even if it wasn't the case, I'd probably have laughed. So I signed up #75 and waited till 5:30pm. They did not see me. Today, I signed up #16 on the EMC list. I wasn't gonna leave this time, of course. But even when I was in the holding room, I felt different. Before, the atmosphere of the holding room would have made me so nervous. I would look around, see all these people, compare them to myself, got myself paranoid. "She looks like perfect Kim. She looks like this. She's done this show so many times.... " these eventually turned into "Maybe I'm not good enough".  I didn't feel that way today. I was excited for them. Some of them seemed so nervous, serious and focused. I felt their intensity. Some were talking amongst friends. Some were just observing. I don't think I've ever observed the room in this way before. Of course, as it gets close to my turn,  the nerve started to kick in. It's only natural, I mean I've been wanting to do this show for a long time. And I'd still love to do it. I accepted the fact that I was nervous. That already made me feel a little bit better. Because of the hiatus I took, I knew that my singing wasn't as quit good as it was before. But I knew that I've become a better actor. So, all I need to do was to go in there, be myself and just play. I knew that I don't have to worry about what I think they want, or what I think is the right thing, or hope that they'll like me. So I went in. I went into the EXACT same room I was in 3 years ago. I stood in front of the EXACT same casting director I stood before 3 years ago. I sang the song I didn't get to sing 3 years ago. But as a completely different person.  I felt she was listening. When I finished, she didn't really say anything. But it didn't matter. Because I did my part and the rest is not for me to decide.

I am glad that I didn't get the part 3 years ago, the part that I was so desperate to get for over a decade. All these time I stood before casting directors, I must have looked so desperate, because I was. Someone told me once too, "they can smell the desperation from MILES AWAY". I'm pretty sure they did smell my desparation. I wanted the part so bad. I wanted it so badly. And now, I'm just happy that I was able to get seen. Sure, I'd love to do it. But it's not in my control any more. I am at peace. I am so happy that I was able to come to this point. This detachment that I was able to feel today, I owe it to so many amazing teachers around me. Thank you for all the guidance and love. I cannot be more grateful.

love, hope, faith