create a space

“The best way to find out what we really need is to get rid of what we don't.” 
― Marie Kondō

We are so good at collecting and piling up things that we don't need. I'd say 75% of the things we own, might be things that we don't use on daily basis. Start decluttering. Start living a simpler life.  

In order for something new, something great to come in to our life, we have to create space for it. If you are already filled up with all the unnecessary things or things that's not working for you, there's NO SPACE for greater things to come. Yet, we hold on to those things, don't we? Save it for a rainy day. Maybe we'll use it. It got so much memories... We al have our reasons not to get rid of it. Not only material things, but there are also mental patterns, physical patterns, or emotional patterns.... There are things that we say all the time, such as "no, it's not gonna happen". "it's too difficult", "that's too good to be true". .... Those are the mantras that didn't serve you any good. Maybe it did before. When you were scared. but now, it's time to replace that old with something new. Time for a big spiritual cleaning! 

In Japan, we have this tradition to have "O-Soji" at the end of the year. Get rid of old things, and declutter the whole house. Over time, I became better at getting rid of things while my mother couldn't get rid of things, mostly because of sentimental values. This year, I cleaned my apartment really well. Built a new bookshelf and organized my books and piles. I cleaned my wardrobes, well I don't have lots of clothes to begin with, but after the cleaning, it was surprising to see how much things I still had. We have to do the cleaning with the intention. We have to listen to our heart and ask what's serving me and what's not serving me. We have to be in alignment with what we have and don't have. My teacher said, "there's this or always something better. The space between WANTING and HAVING is a bridge called FAITH." it's fascinating, isn't it? Culturally and collectively, we are raised to have some backup plan, the savings, and whatever that makes us feel safe. But what if, what if that feeling of being safe is the exact thing that's robbing us from getting more? What if it's ok to just ask the Universe what we want and know that it's on its way? You have to just know and trust that the desire and the vision within you were created so that you could manifest? Or maybe the Universe has something bigger and better waiting for you, just around the corner? If you are too occupied with the job you didn't book, or a guy/girl just left, or old mantra that doesn't serve you any more, then how are you suppose to see what's better or bigger when it's right in front of you? You just ask what you want, trust that it's on its way and let the Universe take care of it. Let go of the expectation of how or when you want it to happen. That's not expecting, that's limiting yourself for seeing what's more. Don't limit yourself. Don't rob yourself from something bigger and better.. Maybe the miracle you've been waiting for is around the corner waiting for you to make space for it. All you have to do is to make space and trust that it's on its way right now. The Universe will guide you and show you the way. You weren't available for it, just up until now. But now that you know, just tell the Universe. "Hey, I'm ready. I am making space for something bigger and better. I am ready to receive what you have in store for me and more. "

Love, Hope, Faith

want vs need vs have to

Tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide? 

-Aladdin,  A Whole New World- 

How often do you listen to your heart? How often do you interrupt yourself and just think before you act? I mean, we're taught that way growing up. "Think before you act." "Think before you speak." Think, think, think..... So we were programed that way, weren't we? 

I had a great conversation with my friend the other day. The difference between "want", "need" and "have to". Well, as an idea I knew the differences among them. But when he said, "When it's "want", it's your choice", it clicked me in a way it did never before. Then I realized, how often do I do things just because I want to? Ask yourself. How often do you do things just because you want to? Like go for a walk, or take a bicycle ride, or take a hot bath, have a cookie, or start water coloring? Without making any excuses. You do it just because. Or be spontaneous!! try this new shop that just opened in the corner. Pick up a phone to call a friend who you haven't talked in a long time. Take a day trip somewhere. Go to a  museum. Order a dish you've never tried before... ANYTHING!!!! Do you do things because you want to? or because you need to? or because you have to?  I remember watching Jim Carey's "Yes Man". In the beginning, he was not willing to say "yes" to things, because he was programed to say "NO" and analyze things logically. As the story goes on, he starts to realize the change in him. The joy of saying yes to unknown. The excitement to jump into something unfamiliar.  The love of living life. And towards the end, he finally realized his "wants" and "have to/need to". 

I think we often forget how to pay attention to our "wants". Because we are too caught up in what we need to do, what we should be doing. Oh, I have to do this because of XYZ. Oh I need to do this because of XYZ...  I have to pay the bills. I have to go to work. I have to clean up the dishes....
Joel Osteen often says in his books "Everything happens FOR you. Not TO you". You get to do all these things. It seems like such a hypocrite thing in the beginning to think that "I get to pay the bill." "I get to wash the dishes" "I get to go to work"... It's not easy to think that way when you are not that fond of those things. It's an opportunity for you to shift that paradigm. Life scares you. Of course it does. You are constantly jumping into something new, even things that seems the same or same routine, it's never the same. Everyday is different. Every moment is different. And again, it takes courage to say yes to your life and be responsible. That's why most of people don't do it and settle for the easy things, the things that they are familiar. the things that they are comfortable. But, if you want to go farther, you have to get out of your comfort zone. Start listening to your little voice inside. Listen to what they want. Listen to want they say. In the beginning, it's hard to tell whether that's your ego or your inner voice. As you practice, you'll start to see the difference. My teachers call it "10 minutes of silence". Everyday, 10 minutes a day, sit in silence. No phone. No TV. No distraction. Just sit with yourself for 10 minutes. If any thoughts come up, just acknowledge that it's there. "oh, how interesting". and let that go. Really, start listening to the voice inside you. Do you have to? Do you get to? Do you want to? You always have a choice. Life happens FOR you. Make it count. 

Love, hope, faith

the circle of life. Saying goodbye to desperation.

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; 

reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ” 
― Simone Weil

No. It's not the Lion King. But I see my life turning into a completely different circle. And it's just so obvious and funny to see the things that has and hasn't worked out the way I wanted, it just makes sense to me now.

The audition for 2017 Broadway production of Miss Saigon is happening right now here in New York. For those of you who know me, you'd assume that I'd just go crazy and be super obsessed about the whole thing, right? No. Not this time. I was on a hiatus from acting for the past few months. Doing Yoga Teacher's training, doing million things at the time, my mind was not there. So when a friend told me about the audition my reaction even surprised me. "Cool, I'll see if I'd go." WHAT? Did I really just say that?

The sole reason that I moved to NYC 3 years ago was to be on Miss Saigon. I wanted to be Kim. I knew I was going to be Kim. That was it. I was beyond obsessed with this show and this role. So, right when I moved here, it happened to be the time when the audition for the London production was about to be held. I was so excited beyond you can imagine. I was all about it. "This must be the sign from the Universe. It happened right after I moved and I even got an appointment. All the stars are aligned.  This is it!" I got my coaching done. Prepped myself so well. I went into the room. Did the best I can at the moment. And I didn't get a callback. I didn't even get to sing the second song. When I followed up with the Casting Director's assistant, the response I got was this.

"we just didn't think your singing was strong enough to pursue."

I was devastated. It was so nice of him to actually take time to write me back. I was so grateful for that. But again, I was devastated. But I got myself together and told myself "well, if that's what they think, I just need to work on my singing then."

3 years fast forward. 2nd day of the 3 day audition. I showed up. I was #17 on the EMC list. I thought they won't see me till after the lunch. So I left. When I come back to the room after lunch they've already called my name and the monitor told me to sign at the bottom of the non-union list, which was #75. Stupid me. If it was 3 years ago, I'd have been crying. Crying for my stupidity. But instead, I laughed. It was just so funny. The fact that there was another day of audition did help, but even if it wasn't the case, I'd probably have laughed. So I signed up #75 and waited till 5:30pm. They did not see me. Today, I signed up #16 on the EMC list. I wasn't gonna leave this time, of course. But even when I was in the holding room, I felt different. Before, the atmosphere of the holding room would have made me so nervous. I would look around, see all these people, compare them to myself, got myself paranoid. "She looks like perfect Kim. She looks like this. She's done this show so many times.... " these eventually turned into "Maybe I'm not good enough".  I didn't feel that way today. I was excited for them. Some of them seemed so nervous, serious and focused. I felt their intensity. Some were talking amongst friends. Some were just observing. I don't think I've ever observed the room in this way before. Of course, as it gets close to my turn,  the nerve started to kick in. It's only natural, I mean I've been wanting to do this show for a long time. And I'd still love to do it. I accepted the fact that I was nervous. That already made me feel a little bit better. Because of the hiatus I took, I knew that my singing wasn't as quit good as it was before. But I knew that I've become a better actor. So, all I need to do was to go in there, be myself and just play. I knew that I don't have to worry about what I think they want, or what I think is the right thing, or hope that they'll like me. So I went in. I went into the EXACT same room I was in 3 years ago. I stood in front of the EXACT same casting director I stood before 3 years ago. I sang the song I didn't get to sing 3 years ago. But as a completely different person.  I felt she was listening. When I finished, she didn't really say anything. But it didn't matter. Because I did my part and the rest is not for me to decide.

I am glad that I didn't get the part 3 years ago, the part that I was so desperate to get for over a decade. All these time I stood before casting directors, I must have looked so desperate, because I was. Someone told me once too, "they can smell the desperation from MILES AWAY". I'm pretty sure they did smell my desparation. I wanted the part so bad. I wanted it so badly. And now, I'm just happy that I was able to get seen. Sure, I'd love to do it. But it's not in my control any more. I am at peace. I am so happy that I was able to come to this point. This detachment that I was able to feel today, I owe it to so many amazing teachers around me. Thank you for all the guidance and love. I cannot be more grateful.

love, hope, faith

Tell your story

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” 

― Virginia Woolf

Last night I had an honor to attend the world premiere of The I'M POSSIBLE book launch. A book written by 50 authors, 50 different stories. It was an incredible opportunity to hear some of the authors telling their own stories. Those were very powerful stories. It shook me up deeply. Those are not easy stories to tell. It takes enormous amount of courage. It takes courage to admit that the event has happened. It takes a courage to say I am a surviver not a victim. It takes a courage to stand up from where you are. It takes even more courage to share that story to others. And for that I have such respect for all these authors. They were all different age, gender, and background, they were all different people. And you can only tell your story from your own perspective. Even when you tell someone else's story to others, it'll still have little bit of your perspective, only because you heard it from someone else and interpreted in your own way. So if all our stories are different to begin with, why are we not telling our stories? The stories included in this book were incredibly powerful, suicide, rape, having diagnosed as MS, losing parent as a young child.... These are not somethings to be taken lightly.  I can't even imagine what they've been through. It's something you won't understand unless you went through it yourself. All you can do is listen to their stories. Let them affect you. Let them talk to you. Let yourself to listen, truly listen.

I think we hold back ourself from telling our TRUE stories. We may tell some stories here and there, but not maybe the whole story. Are you ashamed that what may think of you? Are you worried that the story will change other people's opinion about you? Are you afraid that they will hate you? I am afraid that telling the story is admitting what's going on. By telling the whole story and what I'm feeling now, I become very vulnerable. I don't think I could handle that. Because the moment you start telling others what's actually going on and what I'm actually feeling, I am showing them my true self. What if they don't like me any more? What if they would judge me in a wrong way? What if they would talk behind my back? What if they would laugh at me? What if, what if, what if..... the thoughts and the ideas of what ifs can traumatize me. I write things a lot. what I'm feeling, what's going on... I used to even filter my writing too. But not, I don't hold back as much when I'm writing. When I'm sad, I write I'm sad. When I feel weak, that's what I'd write. But speaking out loud? that's a different story. I still deflect. I stop eye contact and my eyes wonder around. My voice becomes shaky and throat becomes dry. Most of the time what comes out from my mouth doesn't even make sense or have no structures what so ever. And I started working on that last year. Your words have power. Your eyes have power. Marianne Williamson said

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.

Your words have power. Your eyes have power. Your voice has power. You have a power. And you shouldn't be afraid of that power that's planted in you before you were even born. Having power doesn't make you bad. I think it's all the misunderstanding has been brainwashed into our thoughts. Power is bad. Being rich is bad. Those what we hold won't make us bad. It's how we use it. We have a power that we can use it for the love and light. When your intention is filled with love and light, no matter how much or how little power you have, it all has a huge impact. Some others might recognize right away. Some won't be noticed at all. But when you use your power for love, serve others with that love, and do what you were created to do, the rest will just fall into place. Your power is there for you to use, not to abuse.

Admitting your story is scary. Because that means you're taking responsibility for your life. That's a great news! We all have to take responsibility for out life. You can't blame things on others. I wasn't born with this. I wasn't given this and that. I wasn't fortunate like you were. I just don't have anybody who can help me. ..... it's so much easier to just blame it on others or things that's not you. The fact doesn't change, what changes is your reality. The story you tell yourself will shift. Then your perspective changes. Then your reaction changes. Then you change. Your story is valuable. We all need to honor and respect other people's stories. We can all learn from it. Tell your own story. Not what you think how it should be. Not how you want it to be. Tell as you know, as authentic as it can. Start telling yourself this "I-AM-POSSIBLE". Your story might change someone else's life.

love, hope, faith

dear my teacher

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” 
― James Baldwin

I got an email from my mother the other day, that my piano teacher passed away due to cancer. She was only in her 70s.  And she was a fighter. The news hit me out of nowhere. The fact is that I haven't seen her in over a decade. She was one of those people who seem to be there for you no matter what, just like parents. But now she is gone. 

I started playing piano when I was 3, kept going till 18, almost when I finished high school. She was also the owner of my pre-school. She was the bright sunshine. The pre-school was full of music, arts, activities, friendship, love and creativities. She made sure that kids have these environments. She made sure that every kids develop their individuality and authenticity. She created community. I loved her so much. There were many piano teachers in this school. But I refused to take lessons if it weren't with her. And I knew that she loved me too. She believed in me. She taught me to work hard for my art. She taught me how to be patient with my art, and I will always be learning this. She taught me the value of smile. She taught me love. She taught me to laugh, smile and have fun. She taught me to be bold with my own art. She taught me to express with my own uniqueness. I owe her so much and I didn't even get to say goodbye or thank you. 

My parents went to her memorial for me. In the email from my father he said, "her son will take over the school and her will. He will become just as great as she was". I thought that was the most beautiful thing. Her grandchildren sang. There were many of her students. I was there in spirit. She was a bright sunshine that never disappear. And I will always love her. 

Love, hope, faith

Small step at a time

“you can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.” 
― Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

Nowadays, people talk about being authentic and being transparent. I believe that's absolutely essential in out life. All the spiritual teachers around the world, ever since the long time ago, they've actually been talking about the same thing. I hope this is one of the trend that comes and goes. Our differences, our abilities to be different, everything and anything that we were born with. It's all there for reasons. And if it's already there, why should we deny it? 

It's only been a week since the year has started, and it feels like more than that already. A lot of drama has been happening at my survival job. Even though I love my co-workers to death, I feel like it might be a time for me to move on to the next chapter. Some of my close friends are leaving this place. I am so proud of them and cannot be happier for the beginning of their new chapter. How do you know when to move on? How do you know when you're not just running away? How do you know that if you haven't fought your battles to the most or not? We'll never know until we take the leap of faith, won't we? That's the thing about us. We want to know the answer. We want to know the results right away. We want the assurance that if we act XYZ, this will happen. The sense of security and stability, that's what makes us want to take the leap. What if we take the leap of faith without all those assurances and certainties? Is it even possible? 

I think it's possible. Why? Because it actually works the other way around. Again, many teachers around the world have been preaching this. Change your inside and what's going on around you will change. You can't just wait for your circumstances to change your inner happiness. What's going around you won't change unless you change your inside. It's like a trick question. When you hear about the Law of Attraction, it says "there's nothing you can't be, do or have. Act as if it's already there.", right? Some people might say, "well, how can I be grateful for what I don't have?" Because the moment you start focusing on what you want, you realize the lack of it. You realized that it's actually not there. That brings your the negative awareness, the void in your life. You could try to be in the mentality of having the "perfect job", or "perfect partner"(What does "perfect" even mean anyways?), but the moment you start meditating on these things, you realize that your current job is NOT your "perfect job", your partner, if you have one, is NOT your "perfect partner". And that little tiny gap between your idea and the reality can bring some disconnect in your mind. "I DON'T HAVE THAT". So the trick is not to focus on the lack of it. How can you change that? PRACTICE. That's the only way. You can't form a new habit overnight. You can't just shift your old pattern in a blink of an eye. You just gonna have to commit to changing your old patterning. Realizing the lack of anything, is not actually a bad thing. It's actually a lightbulb moment. Because if you were comfortable and have no desire to move forward, you won't even recognize that the lack is there. You are not in tune with your true potential and possibilities. So, let's play this game. Whenever you feel the lack of it or feeling of void, turn it around. Say "THANK YOU. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see that I can have more than this. Thank you for opening my eyes to see that I can be more." It takes repetition and practices to form a new habit. The question is would you like to take that step? Are you willing to make the shift in your life? Are you willing to admit that where you are right now is not where you are meant to stay? Are you willing to accept what the Universe might throw at you? Are you willing to jump into unknown without any guarantee? Are you willing to live up to your true potential? If the answer is yes, TAKE that leap of faith. I encourage you to take the step. It doesn't have to be a huge step like moving abroad or quitting your job. It can be as simple as I'm gonna sit in silence for 5 minutes a day, or I'm gonna start taking coffee from home instead of buying it all the time. 

Actively surrender. When you are disconnected from your true potential and divine love, you will feel that. You feel intuitively that there's something wrong. It could be the pre perceptions or the ideas. But when you feel something intuitively, pay attention. Start paying attention to the detail. What might that be that's causing you the disconnect? And notice the pattern that might be there. And when you notice the pattern, ask yourself. Is it empowering or disempowering? The moment you notice the pattern, the choice becomes yours. It's up to you how to react from there. A lot of our patterns are already auto-pilot. It has become our second nature. But if you are willing to break the pattern and form a new one to reach your full potential, beyond what you can possibly imagine, that's when things start to change. Doesn't that excite you? It sure does to me. 

Love, Hope, Faith

Happy New Year 2016

“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been” 
― Rainer Maria Rilke

Happy New Year!! May your year be filled with love, laughter and blessings! 

New Year is always a good way to reflect what happened in the year before and start with a brand new mindset. It's another stepping stone. We often make new year resolutions. This might be the year that I am not going to be making that resolutions. 

2015 was an amazing year. "Challenge" seems to be the perfect word to sum up the year. It was really challenging and I did challenge myself as well. Lots of self discoveries and spiritual works have been done. I am officially a certified yoga teacher and a reiki practitioner, an essential oil enthusiast. I got to meet so many great teachers and friends who have led me to the direction that I wasn't even aware before. I am learning the depth of friendship in a whole new level. I couldn't have done any of what I did without the help and support from my friends. It meant so much. All these teachers and mentors have believed in me and pushed me to go beyond my comfort zone. I cannot express how grateful I am to be where I am. And when I finished the teacher's training, I was overjoyed and filled with accomplishment. I honestly couldn't remember when was the last time I was able to say "I worked so hard for this and I am proud of it". I honestly couldn't. But that's exactly how I felt. I felt good about myself. I couldn't stop crying. 

I want to take it to the new level this year. I am grateful for everything and everyone in my life right now. Even those stupid dramas that's going around at my work, it made me see thing clearly. "ACTIVELY SURRENDER", that's what I want to commit this year. There are so many things that I want to do already. The goddess card I pulled to day was 

Yemanya : Golden Opportunity

"Important doors are opening for you right now. Walk through them"

It really made me tear up. I feel like I always say this on 1/1, but I feel like this is the year. As I was walking out of the studio today, my teacher asked me if I'd want to teach community classes in March. I was about to ask her if I could teach community class! So the Universe knows. I cannot be more grateful. I believe that if I take action and be serious, the results will come. Not in a way we expect it to be, or when we want it to be, or how we want it to be. But it will show up in its own way. And that's exactly what we need in that exact moment. Let go and surrender in this moment. Don't get attach to it. Breathe into the attachments and exhale them out. 

Soar. Just because you can. 

love+hope+faith