life long lessons

“I am not a teacher, but an awakener.” 

― Robert Frost

Life teaches us lessons. And we are oblivious to most of the lessons that's our there. Because our ego says, "We know better". As we grow older and have more experiences, we stop learning. We become less open to what others might have to say. We become more cautious. We become less adventurous. We can learn anything and from anyone if, and only if, we are willing to learn. It's easier when we were kids, wasn't it? Because we knew that there were so much more out there that we didn't know. We were meant to learn. That was our job. Go to school, do homework, prepare for tests. "Student" that was our job title back then. So our mentality was different. Then the moment we got out from the school, and entered the "real world" the whole thing changed. We were no longer a student. Our position changed. We became a part of grown-up. Not knowing was considered as "not good" or "shame", which turned into fear of asking. We are "suppose to" know things. Our curiosity and interest level decrease and our life might have became routine and mundane. Does that sound familiar?

Every events, every person, everything and anything that comes into our life teaches us lessons. not only happiness and fun things that we remember, but also the pain and agony that we went through teach us lessons. If anything, that might teach us more. So, let me ask you a question.

If you had an option to go back in time and do over, knowing what you already know, 

will you choose to live as yourself? 

Will you choose your parents(if you have a choice that is)? 

Will you go to the same school? 

Will you choose the same career? 

Will you still marry this person? 

Will you still choose the path you took? 

Or will you not? 

There is a song that I love, "If I were born again, I'd love to live as who I am. With this body, with this spirit, I've thrived this life. Everything I've done is for happiness". Will I choose my life as who I am again? If someone asked me that question a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to answer yes right away. I'd be like "Maybe". Will I choose my parents? Absolutely YES. Will you go to the same school? maybe not. Will I still choose all the other circumstances that I've been through? Not all of it, especially the painful parts. Will I choose the career? If I know where I'm going or what I should be doing, I'd have started way earlier. What I've been through, what you've went through, there were purposes and lessons. Right? Whether you are able to see it, or understand it, or learned something, the answer is YES. It's just how it is. If I didn't go to the school, I wouldn't have met my best friend. If I didn't have that job I hated, I wouldn't have met this wonderful person. If I didn't chose to take this path, I wouldn't have known what I was suppose to do. If I didn't get in fight with that girl, I wouldn't have learned that lessons..... There are things that's obvious. And there are so much more that I haven't even realized. 

Everything happens for a reason. Everything you meet, you are suppose to learn from that person or you are suppose to teach something. We tend to hold grudges against our past, don't we? We hold on to our pains and sorrows, and we victimize ourselves. It starts as a defense mechanism. So that we won't get hurt anymore. We don't have to feel the pain any more. We will have someone who'll take care of us and feel sorry for us. And the longer we do it, we start to believe that is the reality. But the truth is that you are hiding. You are hiding from your true potential and possibilities that the Universe has to offer. Maybe you are afraid of what you are capable of, beyond all that. And it takes courage to admit all those feelings and deal with it. It's not easy. Or maybe you don't even realize what you are doing!! But if you are thinking, "oh, I wish my life wasn't like this" or "I can't do it, that's just not for me", it's time for you to start digging a little deeper. What made you start thinking that way in the first place? 

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”

― Oprah Winfrey

Maybe, it's time for you to start looking into things from the different perspective. Why do I think this way? Why do I act that way? You might find something, maybe you don't. But you are more than where you are. You are more than you think you can. You are more than good enough. And please know that.

Love, Hope, Fatih

Duality

“In order to eat, you have to be hungry. 

In order to learn, you have to be ignorant. 

Ignorance is a condition of learning. 

Pain is a condition of health. Passion is a condition of thought. Death is a condition of life.” 
― Robert Anton Wilson, Leviathan

So, I was assigned to lead a meditation on "Good and Evil" from "the Prophet" by Khalil Gibran this week. And funny enough, right after that I had a great conversation with group of people about conflicting feelings of good and evil.

When people started to focusing on good things, being grateful, have gratitude, starting to live in light, whenever the weakness, sadness or any negative feeling comes up, they start to feel guilty. I should be living with the positive attitude. I should not be feeling this way. My life isn't that bad, why am I feeling this way. I should be grateful instead of feeling this way... So the guild comes up. Having all those feelings doesn't make you good or bad. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It only makes you a human. Is it wrong to have those so called "negative" feelings? Why can't those just be feelings? It doesn't mean you have to push those feelings aside and ignore it. You have to allow yourself to feel those emotions. It's there for a reason. and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Choosing to live the way of light, doesn't mean that you are perfect, nor imperfect. It just means that you choose to see things and live your life from the place of love.

"You are good when you are one with yourself.

Yet, when you are not one with yourself you are not evil.

For a divided house is not a den of thieves; it is only a divided house. 

A ship without rudder may wander aimlessly amount perilous isles yet sink not to the bottom.

You are good when you strive to give of you.

Yet you are not evil when you seek gain for yourself."

-Kahalil Gibran-

We are all one and yet we are all different. We both have two opposing elements within us. Everything coexists. There's always beginning and the end. Yes and No. Good and Evil.  People often say that in order for you to see the light, you have to be in the darkness. it's the similar thing. In order for you to be kind and compassionate, you have to learn the pain. In order for you to be positive, you have to know the negative. In order for you to be loved, you have to first know how to love. Just because you know the pain, anger, or negative feelings, it doesn't make you any less. You just know the both side. You just know the options you can take.  It just makes you YOU. You You are enough. Choose love for others, choose love for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions is love. Be kind to yourself. Be love for yourself. Be you. 

Love, Hope, Faith

Don't fall for the temporary fill

Your task is not to seek for Love, 

but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. 

-Rumi-

When was the last time you felt lonely? Was it today? Yesterday? or even right now? Why do we feel that way? And in order for us to fill that void, or the emptiness, what do we do? 

We distract ourselves from the problem, instead of facing the roots, the factor what's causing us to feel that way. It forces us to face the reality, the pain, and the memories. It leads us towards the negative. I think that the main reason why we don't like to face the problem is that it made us admit that we have problems. At least to me, that's how it is. It forces me to admit that I am not what I want to portray, want to be, or what I think I should be. And the truth is that none of that matters. Because those are the things for other people, and not for myself. Because we are not responsible for other people's opinion about us. We have absolutely no control over that. Then why do we care about that so much, when the reality is that everybody else is also thinking so much about what other people are thinking about them? 

The other day, I texted my friend in the morning and she didn't text me back till after midnight. She said her phone died earlier and couldn't get back to me. That's nothing have to do with me. But in my head, I was going crazy. Maybe I did something to upset her. Maybe I said something. Maybe she doesn't want to be my friend any more..... When I was little, whenever my mother and my sister were arguing, I always thought that was my fault. I didn't think I was a good daughter or a sister to them. I don't know why I did that. When I told them about this, they just laughed and said "Those weren't even arguments. We were just talking. You silly." I didn't know what to respond to that.  But as far as I could remember, that was my tendency to do that. Whenever my friends or anywhere near me acted in a weird way, or different from usual way, not looking happy in general, I thought that was my fault. It's a bad habit, isn't it? I always assumed that whatever that maybe that's causing them the pain, annoyance, irritation was me. The truth is probably that has nothing to do with me. But it made me feel that I wasn't meeting their expectation, living up to what they want from me, I wasn't good enough. 

I don't remember why I started acting/thinking that way. Maybe I want to be the center of attention all the time. Maybe I have a trust issue. Maybe I have an abandonment issue. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Maybe I'm just way too naive. But I know that I have tons of problems. Right now, I am struggling with getting rid of sugar and drinking. And those are not just bad habits. Those are also the things that can or pretend to fill my void temporarily. But those are temporary. Once the effect wears off, you're back to square one, if anything, you'll be in the worse place than before. The loneliness and the needs to fill the void, cannot be replaced by anything else other than love. You have to love yourself for who you are. Not because of who you want to be or who you appear to be. You have to love yourself not based on other people's opinion about you, but for your opinion about you. You have to love yourself beyond your flaw or mistakes from the past. You have to love yourself, period. Not for others. Not for your parents. But for yourself. 

“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.”– Fred Rogers

remember 9.11.

"I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love." -- Leo Buscaglia

14 years ago, today, 9/11 happened. I was still in Japan. I remember distinctively still. It was like a scene from a movie. I couldn't believe that it was happening for real. I didn't comprehend any of it. Since I've moved here, I met people who lost their family to this tragedy. They were still hurt. They were cooping, but still their hearts were in pain. I can't imagine how it was like to be in their shoes. Right after I moved to United States, I visited NY. A few years after from 9.11. The city was standing back up, in the process of rebuilding the city. And now, 14 years later. Some kids don't even know what happened. They only know it as an information. But NY stood up. And I am here. 

Here's the famous quote from Rocky Balboa ..

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

What do you know about getting back up? We see it in the movies and books all the time. The comeback stories, an underdog becoming a hero, a loser becoming a champion.... What do you know about this? Have you fallen before? Have you expected the defeat and the lost? Nobody's life is perfect. We all have experienced at least some type of disappointments, haven't we? What did you do? First, you just want to blame everything on everything expect yourself. Your circumstances, people around you, the politics, where you were born, what year you were born.... whatever you can think of. You get mad, cry, punch pillows... and you might have stayed in the phase for a long time. Because it wasn't your fault, right? Because you were born under the wrong star, or whatever. You might have even blamed on God. "Why? If you don't want me to succeed, why do you put this feelings and dreams in me?! Are you playing with my feeling? Are you laughing at me?" You told everyone, "you don't know my story". 

Then what did you do? Did someone slap you in the face? Did you have an epiphany? Something happened, didn't it? or you got tired of feeling that way? You are allowed to let yourself wallow and experience the feeling of defeat. As a matter of fact, you should. If you suffocate that feeling, you are going to explode eventually. We are allowed and are suppose to experience feelings no matter what that may be. In order for you to truly move on from there, you have to let yourself feel that what you're feeling. If you are angry at the situation, get mad. If you are sad, cry. If you are frustrated, punch a pillow. let yourself experience it. It takes time to process that feeling. Then, you have to stand up. It doesn't have to be overnight, or in few days. You can take your time. But when the moment comes, and you KNOW when that is, you just gotta stand up. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for what matters to you. For your dream. For your family. For what you believe in. And for YOURSELF. You might have lost your loved one. You might have lost your dream. You might have lost your faith. You might have even lost yourself. But you are still alive. You are still here. That means something. That means that there's something you still have to do. The only way to find out is to give it a shot. Take it day by day, step by step. Get back up. If you fall, do it again. As long as you are alive, you still have something to do, you are still worth living, you are worth it. At least, that's what I try to tell myself whenever I feel like that anyways. I have hard time listening to that as well. So, let's try it together. one step at a time. at least you are not alone. 

love, hope, faith

how much do you actually know about yourself?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” 
― C.G. Jung

How much do you think you know about yourself? And how much do you actually KNOW about yourself? Not how you want yourself to be or how you don't yourself to be, but the genuine you. How much do you know about that person? Are you afraid to get to know that person? Or are you willing to know that person? Who are you anyways?

We will never know the answer, won't we? I think that's the whole point of our life, our journey. We all search for that answer, till the day our spirit leaves our body. So, all we have to do is to live our life the fullest. Follow what your heart tells you and serve your passion, which could ultimately be your purpose. In order for you to do that, first, you have to know where you are and who you are in this point of your life. You may not be where you've imagined yourself to be, but you're better than you could have been. So, let's be grateful for that. But accepting who you are and where you are right now is not the easiest thing. It's rough.

This year has been a quite year so far. Definitely a transitioning period. Things are moving to a completely different direction than before, which I wouldn't have even imagined. And going through that period made me see a lot about myself. A lot more than maybe I want to. It has been challenging for sure. It made me go out of comfort zone, at least to a certain level and I know I should be going further than this.  We, the grown ups, love to show what we want to show to others. We like to look successful, composed, and perfect, in a way. For who? Why are we afraid of showing who we are? Why can't we just be who we are? Why should we embarrassed by who we are? Because our societies have created expectations and ideas in our heads from the beginning. Those images or videos.... those are not the reality. But we believe that is the reality. I realized that I am terrified of lots of things lately. Last few weeks, actually. Intimacy issues, trust issues, self-love issues, eating issues, and the list just goes on. I have so many rules that I made up, and don't want to bend it. For example, I have my routine when I wake up. And I will be so upset if I can't follow through. Because of that I haven't really like(or done) any sleepover at all. I have some OCD and control issues around the kitchen. And I don't like it when people do it differently. I feel like I've been wanting to cry for last few weeks and yet I haven't been able to. I don't know how to talk to people eye to eye when things become very personal. I don't like to talk about myself. (I can write about it, but not TALK to actual people in front of me.) I don't really know how to ask people for help. My eating habit is still not that great. I keep adding things to my schedule whenever I have time which makes me feel guilty etc, etc, etc.......

These are just the tip of the iceberg. I'm pretty sure everyone's got issues. And my issues don't seem that serious. But the truth is, that I didn't know these issues existed before. That was a bigger issue. Now that I am finding out all these issues, more and more are showing up and telling me, "hey, you need to work on these issues too". And it's rough. Then I go back to what I preach all the time. You have to love yourself for who you are and accept where you are". I have such a hard time doing it. I am willing to do that though. As the quote says. it's terrifying to accept who you are COMPLETELY! Any transitioning period is rough, and it's needed. Not a single car can keep running without refueling or maintenance. So are you willing to go through it? See and accept yourself for truly who you are? I hope you are. Because you are worth it. Because you are born to be better. Because you are already here.

Read this article by Purpose Fairy→ On Learning to make peach with your life

Love, Hope, Faith

You don't have to be alone

I just watched this news on CNN and it made me really sad.  Japan's worst day for teen suicide. Because I understand where she comes from. I wasn't bullied physically. But mentally and emotionally, there were many days that I didn't know why or how I needed to keep going. And it was hard. It made me feel that I was worthless. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't loved. (well, except for my family). And it took me long time to start believing in people again. I am not saying that I had a horrible childhood. I was blessed to have my family who loved me so deeply. I was blessed to have found love for music and books. I was blessed to have met a friend who saw good in me. But I struggled in my own way. 

my mother taught me to find good in people, even in those who you don't get along. She also told me that whenever I see people doing something I don't agree or I don't like, just be glad that I am not that person. Feel sorry for that person. Those were literally the greatest lessons I ever learned from her. 

It's hard to tell people or talk to people when they are hurt, struggling, even lost hope. If you're a teenager, your school life is pretty much your world. So, what can you do when the whole world is collapsing on top of you? You really can't. But you are not alone. You are always good enough. You are always beautiful. You are always worth it. And you will find strength in you. You might not believe me now and it's fine. But don't give up on your life or yourself just yet. please don't take your life. 

“ You Chose 

You chose.

You chose.

You chose.

You chose to give away your love.

You chose to have a broken heart. 

You chose to give up. 

You chose to hang on.

You chose to react.

You chose to feel insecure.

You chose to feel anger.

You chose to fight back.

You chose to have hope.

You chose to be naïve. 

You chose to ignore your intuition.

You chose to ignore advice.

You chose to look the other way. 

You chose to not listen. 

You chose to be stuck in the past. 

You chose your perspective. 

You chose to blame. 

You chose to be right.

You chose your pride. 

You chose your games.

You chose your ego.

You chose your paranoia. 

You chose to compete.

You chose your enemies.

You chose your consequences.

You chose.

You chose.

You chose.

You chose.

However, you are not alone. Generations of women in your family have chosen. Women around the world have chosen. We all have chosen at one time in our lives. We stand behind you now screaming: 

Choose to let go.

Choose dignity. 

Choose to forgive yourself.

Choose to forgive others.

Choose to see your value.

Choose to show the world you’re not a victim.

Choose to make us proud.” 

― Shannon L. Alder