Self-acceptance

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” 

― Mark Twain

Admitting something is not always easy. Changes, mistakes, faults, unknown, love, anger, trust, sadness, or being you. You feel you are unworthy of what you want, love, success, or this life, whatever that may be. The truth is that you are worthy. You are worth of love. You are worthy of success. You are worthy to dream. "Wait, I made way too many mistakes!" "I am too old." "I don't have enough qualification." Yes, you can't change what already happened. You can't undo the mistakes. You can't go back in time and do SAT again. You can't take back what you said to the friends when you got upset. You simply can't. The question is, what have you learned? Have all these "setbacks" and "detours" taken you to the right people? Taught you the lessons you needed? Protected you from bigger problems? You may not see it now, or you might not even see it ever. But they have. You are always in the right place with right people. It might not be the people you want or where you want to be. And the Universe reveals you a path to the higher purpose and opportunities when, and ONLY when you are ready. You have to learn your lesson. You have to meet people. You have to go places. And those things don't happen according to your plan.  Sometimes you have to learn the lesson from the painful experience. You might want to quit and runaway. Yet, the life won't let you do that, does it? And the best thing for us to do is to let yourself experience that. It's hard to acknowledge the pain or whatever it is that you are feeling. But in order for you to actually learn something and move on in a true sense is to let yourself experience that. That's the only way. Otherwise, we keep our feelings and emotions pushed down, wearing a mask that says everything is ok, and keep holding the pain forever.

Recently, it has been really rough for me. I have to face a lot of things that I have been avoiding. what I really am and who I really am. For other people, I may seem quite extrovert person. I may be in a social situation, where I don't really have to talk about myself. However, the reality is that I am quite the opposite. I am very introverted when it comes to my own personal life. "How is everything with you?" ""What's happening in your life?" "What are you up to lately?" I don't know how to answer any of those questions. "you know, the same." that's usually my answer. I feel like a fake more often than I want to. I became so good at portraying this character and don't know how to tell people how I'm y really feeling. What's actually going on in my life. or how to ask for a help when I need someone to just be there for me. I usually turn the questions around. "How about you? What's going on in YOUR life?" I am a better listener than a talker. Now that I'm writing this, I actually know how I became like this. And I don't know how to turn things around. Writing it out is so much easier than actually talking to people. Because in this way, I can delete what I wrote when it doesn't make sense. I don't have to worry about the sense of judgement or criticism from others in a intimate way. I don't have to worry about what comes out from my mouth, meaning without any filter. And of course yes, I need to let these out of my system. So, thank you for baring with me and my nonsense.

So, why am I writing this?

I think there are so many others who are feeling like me. It's easy to get the false sense of connection through social media. And yet that actually disconnect us from the real world, from the real human connection, and most importantly from the real connection to yourself. I go on Facebook and see all these posts and hate myself sometimes. Why everyone else's life seems better than mine? Why everyone else are there and not me? Why am I so unworthy? The inner criticism and judgement start. In my head I know better not to do any of it that I do. And yet, when I feel isolated from the real world or when I am in an uncomfortable situation, I go on my phone, to actually isolate myself, to block myself out. Then why still do it? In stead of seeking actual human connection? The biggest reason, I think, is the fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of being isolated, fear of being not worthy, fear of not knowing, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointment.... And all of those are here because I did experience those. I did experience the loneliness and hurt. That's why those habits became my habits. My defense mechanism kicked in.

Our life happens. And we can't control how others think, or do, that we have absolutely no control over. But still, we are still alive and we have to keep going. We are who we are whether we like it or not. This is all we got. And I struggle with it so much. I imagine you do too. I have to come clean to myself. And it is not easy. the things that's been revealing to me, those are painful and I just wish I could stop this. But I can't. I feel like I've opened Pandora's box. But if I want to keep writing this blog and working on Love+Live+Life project, which to be honest I don't know if I do 100% at this point, I have to TRULY accept myself. Including my mistakes, flaws, and whatever that is I am. And I have to share that with you. And that's the only way to genuinely tell the story. If I preach something that I don't even practice, why should you believe me? or let alone give it a try? So I admit and accept the fact that I am barely getting to know myself in this sense. I will struggle in this journey. And I will rant time to time. Everybody is on a different journey. But I believe that our purpose is the same, to be who you truly are. Not who you want to be or who you think you are, but who you truly are and who you are created to be.

Love, Hope, Faith