impluse

“What happens when people open their hearts?"

"They get better.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Wikipedia states that

An impulse is a wish or urge, particularly a sudden one. It can be considered as a normal and fundamental part of human thought processes. 

As we grow older, we learn how not to act upon our impulses. Think before you say something. Think before you act. Plan before you take an action. I feel like doing this, but I wonder what other people might think of me. I want to paint, but I don't think I am good enough. I want to sing, but that might annoy my roommate. I want to go skydiving, but I don't have money for it...

Think, think, think... Our society formed us to fight against our impulses. We are trained to put productivity, social statues, financial stabilities over our impulses. We are trained to ignore our impulses. So, when we are asked what we want or how we are feeling, we don't know what to answer. Because we think about the logistics of it first. How many of you had experienced this before? When your friends asked you "How's your life?" or "What's going on lately?" and you just answer "you know, just the same." or "just fine" and switch the subject? or turn the questions around and let them talk about their life? For others you might appear to be a good listener. But are you really? Are you really listening while they are talking? Or are you pretend to be listening and thinking about what's really going on in your life?

why do you think that you can't talk about your life? why are you afraid to talk about your life? Do you feel like you are not doing as well as they are? Do you feel like their life is much more interesting than yours? Do you feel like you are not worthy? Do you feel like you have nothing going on in your life, nothing to show for? Do you feel like you are ashamed of what's going on in your life? Why is it that you can't talk about your life?

Anthony Meindl said, "Do not disqualify yourself just because you think you have nothing to show for".  So let me ask you. Do you disqualify yourself? All these years, you've learned to filter yourself, to ignore your impulses, and to think before you feel. So you analyze what's going on before you act. You brainwashed yourself that you are not worthy. Stop doing that to yourself. You are worthy, from the moment you were created till the day you die. You are worthy no matter where you are in your life. You are worthy just because you are who you are. And your impulses are there to guide you. Your feelings are there to help you. It doesn't mean that you have to go around broadcasting what's going on in your life, or start saying everything you think. Whatever it is that you are feeling, or the impulse you have, simply acknowledge them. You have to let them be. Just because you are feeling upset or sad, it doesn't make you any less of a person or not good enough. It doesn't mean that you have to go around punching people or yelling everyone around you. If someone hurt you, you will feel that. If someone congratulate you, you will feel that. There's no reason not for you to feel.

We can't unlearn everything in overnight. We have formed the habit for way too long. Start by doing something small. When people ask you what's going on in your life. tell them what's going on. It's scary to let yourself be vulnerable. And everyone's vulnerabilities are different. Start making connections with other people. Don't be afraid to connect with others. Don't be afraid to let yourself be you. Don't be afraid to let yourself feel. Don't be afraid. Because you are worthy. You are wonderful. And you are meant to be more.

Love, Hope, Faith.

Self-acceptance

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” 

― Mark Twain

Admitting something is not always easy. Changes, mistakes, faults, unknown, love, anger, trust, sadness, or being you. You feel you are unworthy of what you want, love, success, or this life, whatever that may be. The truth is that you are worthy. You are worth of love. You are worthy of success. You are worthy to dream. "Wait, I made way too many mistakes!" "I am too old." "I don't have enough qualification." Yes, you can't change what already happened. You can't undo the mistakes. You can't go back in time and do SAT again. You can't take back what you said to the friends when you got upset. You simply can't. The question is, what have you learned? Have all these "setbacks" and "detours" taken you to the right people? Taught you the lessons you needed? Protected you from bigger problems? You may not see it now, or you might not even see it ever. But they have. You are always in the right place with right people. It might not be the people you want or where you want to be. And the Universe reveals you a path to the higher purpose and opportunities when, and ONLY when you are ready. You have to learn your lesson. You have to meet people. You have to go places. And those things don't happen according to your plan.  Sometimes you have to learn the lesson from the painful experience. You might want to quit and runaway. Yet, the life won't let you do that, does it? And the best thing for us to do is to let yourself experience that. It's hard to acknowledge the pain or whatever it is that you are feeling. But in order for you to actually learn something and move on in a true sense is to let yourself experience that. That's the only way. Otherwise, we keep our feelings and emotions pushed down, wearing a mask that says everything is ok, and keep holding the pain forever.

Recently, it has been really rough for me. I have to face a lot of things that I have been avoiding. what I really am and who I really am. For other people, I may seem quite extrovert person. I may be in a social situation, where I don't really have to talk about myself. However, the reality is that I am quite the opposite. I am very introverted when it comes to my own personal life. "How is everything with you?" ""What's happening in your life?" "What are you up to lately?" I don't know how to answer any of those questions. "you know, the same." that's usually my answer. I feel like a fake more often than I want to. I became so good at portraying this character and don't know how to tell people how I'm y really feeling. What's actually going on in my life. or how to ask for a help when I need someone to just be there for me. I usually turn the questions around. "How about you? What's going on in YOUR life?" I am a better listener than a talker. Now that I'm writing this, I actually know how I became like this. And I don't know how to turn things around. Writing it out is so much easier than actually talking to people. Because in this way, I can delete what I wrote when it doesn't make sense. I don't have to worry about the sense of judgement or criticism from others in a intimate way. I don't have to worry about what comes out from my mouth, meaning without any filter. And of course yes, I need to let these out of my system. So, thank you for baring with me and my nonsense.

So, why am I writing this?

I think there are so many others who are feeling like me. It's easy to get the false sense of connection through social media. And yet that actually disconnect us from the real world, from the real human connection, and most importantly from the real connection to yourself. I go on Facebook and see all these posts and hate myself sometimes. Why everyone else's life seems better than mine? Why everyone else are there and not me? Why am I so unworthy? The inner criticism and judgement start. In my head I know better not to do any of it that I do. And yet, when I feel isolated from the real world or when I am in an uncomfortable situation, I go on my phone, to actually isolate myself, to block myself out. Then why still do it? In stead of seeking actual human connection? The biggest reason, I think, is the fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of being isolated, fear of being not worthy, fear of not knowing, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointment.... And all of those are here because I did experience those. I did experience the loneliness and hurt. That's why those habits became my habits. My defense mechanism kicked in.

Our life happens. And we can't control how others think, or do, that we have absolutely no control over. But still, we are still alive and we have to keep going. We are who we are whether we like it or not. This is all we got. And I struggle with it so much. I imagine you do too. I have to come clean to myself. And it is not easy. the things that's been revealing to me, those are painful and I just wish I could stop this. But I can't. I feel like I've opened Pandora's box. But if I want to keep writing this blog and working on Love+Live+Life project, which to be honest I don't know if I do 100% at this point, I have to TRULY accept myself. Including my mistakes, flaws, and whatever that is I am. And I have to share that with you. And that's the only way to genuinely tell the story. If I preach something that I don't even practice, why should you believe me? or let alone give it a try? So I admit and accept the fact that I am barely getting to know myself in this sense. I will struggle in this journey. And I will rant time to time. Everybody is on a different journey. But I believe that our purpose is the same, to be who you truly are. Not who you want to be or who you think you are, but who you truly are and who you are created to be.

Love, Hope, Faith

getting lost is a part of the journey

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”
― Isaac Asimov

Life happens and people change. Change is inevitable. We all know that as a piece of information. Can you accept the change and keep going? That's a different story, isn't it?

I feel like my life is turning and spinning all over the place lately. Things are taking me towards the direction that I wasn't expecting. Not completely off the direction. It might be the extension of it, but more in a bigger and broader sense. Trying to live in the "dream" or the "image". It feels like that is about to end. Maybe I am making it sounds a lot more dramatic than it is. It might not be that drastic. But I do feel the shift around me. The people I meet. The information I get. The curiosity that I get. Those are all different now. And yet, as the Universe shifts, there's a part of me that's afraid and scared to jump into the unknown. Maybe I am too late for the game. I have no knowledge in this genre. I have absolutely not experience in this. Am I just escaping from the reality and trying to convince myself that this is the new path? What am I suppose to do?

Luckily, I have been a type of person who has interests in tons and tons of things. It's not all in the same area. My attention was scattered all over the place, going one place to another. Trying this, trying that. I have a phase with this thing, and next weeks with that thing. What is my true passion? What is my true calling? I kept asking God that question over and over. It would have been nice if this happened when I was a teenager, but that's not the case. Life keeps happening. And I am fully aware the fact that I have taken a huge detour throughout my whole life. Yes, I am also aware that if it wasn't for that detour I wouldn't have met the people around me or known what I know now. And yes, I cannot keep talking about how things should have been or could have been.  So what am I suppose to do now? Do I just "wing it" and see what's gonna happen? 

Again, life happens for us. And just like our body knows better than we think, the life knows what we need and what role we need to play in this Universe. I recently read the book "It's not ROCKET SCIENCE" by Mary Spio. It's exactly what I believe in. We all need to fulfill our potential and by being authentically who we are, we serve our purpose. We are all created in unique way specifically for that purpose. And it's not about you. It's bigger than that. Your purpose and your role in this Universe that's bigger than your ego or your little ideas of success or your money or possession. It's about what we can give, what we can learn, what we can teach to the next generation and to the rest of the world. I don't even know what I want for my lunch, how am I suppose to know what the Universe wants me to do? You might ask. Yes, I ask that question everyday and still don't know the answer. I love people and I want to bring more smile and joy to the people. That's all I know. In what form? I don't know. I mumble and rumble all these things and 99% of the time I am telling it to myself. I need to remind myself that I am here for a bigger purpose. I need to remind myself that what I'm experiencing right now is for the better. And I do feel that the things are changing. I feel the urge that I need to be true to who I am, and that's hard accepting who I am. I have lots of flaws and made tons of mistakes. I might say things that's completely opposite to what I said before. And yet, that's still a part of the journey. You have to be you. Don't be afraid that some people won't accept you or not like you. There'll always be someone who's not for you. And that's ok. If you are pleasing others, you won't see your true self. Be you. Be the best version of you. Be authentic you. Getting lost is a part of your journey. 

Love, Hope, Faith

Being alive = Feeling happens

“But feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” 
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

It's not easy to let yourself feel, isn't it? Especially the ones that you are not used to. You forget how you let yourself feel, and how it feels and what that emotion is like. You just feel the discomfort and disconnect from yourself. You keep wondering what's going on in your head. Then you start wondering if there's something wrong with you for not being able to shake that off, for not being able to feel "happy", for not being able to find out what you are feeling. 

As we grow older, we avoid conflicts and discomfort. We protect ourselves from feeling the pain and anxiety. We learn to mask ourselves to show others that we are ok and happy. Why is it not ok to just feel? Where did we get that ideas from? Why did we stop letting ourselves feel? I think a lot of it came from the pain and trauma. The pressure and the expectations. From friends, family, society, and the yourself. You are an adult, you are suppose to act this way! You are not a child, you aren't suppose to cry over this! But why do we have to do that? all those feelings are there for a reason. A simple fact that you are alive. That's it. You are alive and feeling. and whatever it is that you are feeling, it's not invalid or unworthy. Everything you are experiencing are there for you to feel. 

The other day, I just couldn't stop myself from feeling disconnected. I thought I was angry and upset from what happened the day before. And the fact that I thought I was upset made me more upset. Because it's not like it was a life or death thing. I am suppose to be grateful and be happy. But I wasn't. And that made me feel even worth. Then I realized. I was hurt. I wasn't angry or upset. I was hurt. The moment I realized that there was an ease. It was ok for me to feel hurt. And I wasn't letting myself feel that. Just because you are feeling it doesn't mean that you have to broadcast your feeling to the world. It doesn't mean that you have to act accordingly. It just means that you are feeling that particular emotion. And it's ok for to you feel that. Anger, Sadness, Hurt, Betrayal, Happiness, Jealous, Excitement, Gratitude, ... we are vibrational beings. We are energy. It's only natural for us to feel. As a matter of fact, it's crazy not to feel. Let yourself feel all those things. Just take that in. Accept the fact that you are feeling that way. You can punch a pillow, or scream in your room. Jump up and down. Everyone is feeling, just because we are alive. There's nothing wrong with it. Allow yourself to feel it. 

Love, Hope and Faith