journey

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

Last few days have been a tough ride. An emotional rollercoaster. I am still overwhelmed in a sense. I don't know why. I am overwhelmed and peace at the same time. I am horrified and excited at the same time. Jumping into unknown, that's a challenge. And yet, that's all we do in our life, isn't it? We occasionally think about those "if"s, or the possibilities of how things can be. And those are the things that makes us want certain results, expectations. When we expect something, we become less flexible and open towards what's coming. Because when things don't happen the way we want, we get disappointed. What if we don't expect anything? What if we don't assume that things will happen on our term? What if we don't even think about the future and focus on NOW? What if all we think about is this exact moment? What if we accept the fact that anything is possible. What if we are ok with being one thing and the completely opposite at the same time? What if we don't have to worry about what other people think of you? What if we fully trust that everything will be ok? Can we do all these? I say WHY NOT?

Everyday, I am learning, to be more open, to accept myself more, to breathe more, to be connected and to be human. And the moment we stop being open to the new ideas, we stop growing. We start shutting out what's out there. We cannot forget to be humble. We always have to keep the gratitude. We have to be honest. Being honest is scary. Because it means you show who you are and share that with the rest of the Universe. We make mistakes, take detours and wish we can do over. But we can't. Those makes us unique, compassionate, and human... What we've done is not who we are. what we've learned makes you who you are. and I tell that to myself pretty much everyday. There are things that I wish I could change, and I know that I can't. I cannot take back the past or rewind the clock. I can only move forward and not make the same mistakes. There are still so many things that I am terrified of. And that's the journey. I guess. We live to change. We live to learn. We live to accept. We live in a moment. That's all we can do. 

love, hope, faith

getting lost

“Getting lost is just another way of saying 'going exploring.” 

― Justina Chen, North of Beautiful

Where can you possibly start when you have no idea where to begin? Tons of books said that start from what you like, right? Start by doing what you like and that'll become your passion and your purpose. But what if, what if that isn't the case? What if what you thought your passion or calling isn't the right one? or it doesn't feel right any more? Then what do you do? You've put all the energy, time and money and now you're lost. Then what would you do? Does anyone have an answer to that?

People's path changes all the time. We go one way and by the time you realized, you're completely on a different path. Life takes us to the different direction all the time, whether we like it or not. It's easier to say that just accept it for what it is and move on. It's true, isn't it. "It is what it is. " I might have mentioned this before but I used to hate this phrase. It sounded like calling it quit. It sounded like we have no control over what's going on. Until one day that I realized that it doesn't have to be that way. This phrase only means that we have to accept and embrace the present before we go anywhere. Because without it, we cannot move forward. We ignore what's going on, our feelings, what's right in front of our face so that we can pretend that everything is perfect and we have no problem, that our life is great. We look away from what's really going on underneath and not troubleshooting the REAL problem. That we are afraid. We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of not fitting in. We are afraid of not making it. We're afraid of success.(seriously)  We are afraid that maybe we're not good enough. We are afraid of judgement. We are afraid of what other people think. We are afraid of what others want you to do. We are afraid of being who we are. So we look away. We continue living out lives pretending that everything is ok. And all those fears pilling up on top of you, we lose sight of who we truly are. Because we are so busy pretending. 

What's the definition of happiness? What does it mean to have it all? What's the definition of success? Does money, fame and status give you happiness? Does having a huge house give you happiness? What does that mean to be living in a moment? 

Everyone's definition will be different. Everyone's path is different. When you get lost, just be. Just breathe and let yourself feel what's happening in your head. Let yourself feel all those feelings. It might scare you. Of course it will. You have been avoiding to feel for god knows how long! Start trying something new. It not easy to admit that you're on a different path from before. You can pretend that your passion is still there and keep going. But eventually, you will have to admit. You will realized that that's not your path. It might be in the same area. It might be completely different. It might be something that you've never thought you'd be doing. The path you took has led you to all these lessons, the people, and the path you are to take on. think about it, without all those events in the path, would you be here now? You might say that you could have gotten here earlier, or you'd have been successful by now, or I should have done this and that... You may be right. You could have been the CEO of that company that you just started building. You could have been the doctor instead of being a med student that you are. You could have been an award winning actor instead of struggling to pay your acting class as you're doing now. But everything happens for a reason. Everything has a cause and an effect. And others might have seen their path just because you were there for them. We are all a piece of this big universe, something bigger than us. And it's important to remember that. When you feel isolated from the rest of the world, that you don't belong anywhere, remember that you belong here. Here in this Universe. 

Love, Hope, Faith

Your joueny

“be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else's idea of yourself should be.” 

― Henry David Thoreau

This speech by Natalie Portman inspired me so much. She has been one of my favorite actress and "Leon" which she mentions in this speech, is one of my favorite movie as well. 

I always talked about how you should be who you are, how you should follow your heart, and how you should embrace your gifts and faults, everything about you. Not only it is hard to do it, but isn't it the whole point of our life? To do that throughout our life? 

Back in the day, my friend said something to me. "I am THIS and THAT kinda person. And I will not change". And I responded to her by this. "I don't know who I am and I may or may not know when I die." Now that I've think about it, both ideas are either right or wrong. She knew exactly who she was and kept her belief and her strong opinion about herself. On the other hand, I had no idea who I was and I still struggle to find it each and everyday. I hope to find it soon. Especially since the beginning of this year, it has been quite a ride. There's been a discovery after another. I've met many new people who showed me different ways and different values, who follows their dreams and passions to make things happen, who fight for their purpose and serve the Universe. It confused me more in a way. Because I get effected by it so easily. Many things they do seem interesting to me. They are so passionate that it makes me want to do what they are doing, which means that they are doing an amazing job! So let me say congratulations to all of you!!! 

Inspiring people is one thing I know that I want to do. I love people and I want to be connected. I want to support people and I want to help them shine. What can I do? that's what I want to find out. I have not taken any short cuts or the fastest path, that's for sure. at this age, I barely know what I want to do with my life. It's only gonna get worse. But I believe in the power of now and the power of happiness. I believe that Happiness is a choice and the way of living, rather than something you can get by getting something or somewhere. I believe that only being truly who you are you can fulfill your purpose. I believe that if each person fulfills their purpose this Universe will be a better place. I believe that in the basic level we want the same thing. Live your life and Love your life. That's where Love+Live+Life started. That's where this blog has started. 

Love, Hope, Faith

You are more than enough

“I dream my painting and I paint my dream.” 

― Vincent van Gogh

Many people come and go through out your life. Would you like to inspire people or discourage people? Would you support people or reject people? Would you help others grow or keep them away from their full potential?

I was honored to witness a turning point for someone who inspires me. She preaches and practices what I believe in. Not only saying it, but actually doing it. I don't actually know her that much personally. I've taken her lessons and watches the video lectures. So, it does make me feel like I know her to the certain degree. She is beautiful inside out. And her message from last night for us was this. 

"YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

And you are exactly where you need to be."

We live in a competitive world. Maybe not. But we do compare ourselves to others a lot more than we should. We look at other people's life and wonder why am I not where they are at? We look at their highlights and think, "I am not good enough". I am not this and that. I am too this and that. We keep comparing ourselves. But who makes that judgement? US. We are the only person who's standing against our own happiness. We all have different purposes, why should we be the same? Why should we compare? Have you seen Lego movie? When they are all acting, behaving the same. And the one that was different thought that he's not good enough, that he doesn't belong. Guess what happened in the end? He saved the world. Not because he belonged to the certain social group or religion, or he's the same as others. Because he is different. What makes him different that's what exactly gave him the strength and inspirations to move forward and to fight for what he believes in. We might have same goal as someone else. But do we have the same purpose in our life? No. What the one person can convey, you may not. And it goes the other way around too. Why do we constantly think that we are not enough? Getting straight As doesn't mean that you are perfect. Having billion dollars doesn't mean that you are worth more than everybody else. We all make mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger than the others. Some, you still regret. Some are the things you've done. Some are things you haven't done. Whatever it is or wherever we are at this point in our life, "We are where we need to be", just as she said last night at the lecture. We can only live in NOW. Our mistakes cannot be changed. That fact can never go away. But we can make the decision today to learn from it. We can still turn things around and move forward. Our action is what makes us who we are. 

I am convincing myself to be this way as I write. Everything I write here is a reminder to myself. There are things I regret, there are things I wish I could change. And at the same time, without those mistakes I wouldn't have been where I am. I wouldn't have learned the valuable lessons that I learned. I wouldn't have met the wonderful people if I didn't take that path. I have many many flaws. Fortunately or unfortunately, I cannot change that. So, I have nothing else but to live for the future. God has so many great things in store for me. She also said this, "We make mistakes, God/Universe doesn't. So, we're not here by mistake. Why not believe that we're enough?" After all, that's our mission and journey isn't it? To fulfill our lives. To believe that we are good enough. To reach our full potentials. To serve the Universe. 

To my amazing teacher, thank you for your constant inspiration and love for this world. 

Love, Hope, Faith.

Honesty

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” 
― Virginia Woolf

How often are you honest to your feeling? Not the ones that you think "how you SHOULD feel", the one that's you are actually feeling?

We've often learned to hide what we are truly feeling. It might be in the way of certain things. We learn to hide our feelings because who we are didn't seem to please others, or to be accepted, or to be approved. It usually starts when we are children and most of us don't even remember how we came to do this. And most of the time, we don't face that. The thorn got stuck in you but you forget to take out, because you got used to the pain. But why should we have to hide? Why should we pretend to be who we are not? Why do we have to belong or being accepted? Why do we think that who we are is not good enough?

I don't have the answers for that. Recently, I started feeling all these anxieties and opening of the things that I haven't been feeling in years. "Un-Stressing", that's what my meditation teacher calls it. but if it's Un-Stressing, why am I more stressing out by feeling this way? It's a funny irony. We have to let go whatever we've been piling up before we become new or who we are to begin with. To undone what's been piling up for years and years can take somewhere up to 7-8 years, she said. Wow. It's a lot of work. Being able to be who you are, being able to be honest about what you are feeling, being able to act as you feel, being able to not judge or compare yourself to others, being able to be fully who you are... Only a handful of people are doing that. Many people are aware of the concepts. Many people are willing to practice this. And yet, we still struggle. The fact is this is the journey we all have to go through. Knowing who we are and what our purposes are, that's only the first part of our journey. And only after we know that we are able to serve this Universe. We are here to serve. We are not here to gain.

It's only natural for this day and age to focus on what we can gain, rather than what we can give. More "likes" on your Facebook statues. More followers on Instagram or Twitter. More subscribers for your youtube channels. Why? It gives them a sense of acceptance, approval, confirmations on your existence, right? It makes you feel that you are valuable and important. But those are not your true value. We can gain millions of "like"s  or followers, but how many of them do you know personally? I don't deny the medium of these things. Social networks have created the completely new era. People can create what we couldn't do decades ago. People can spread their ideas with others. Journalism and multimedia have completely new way of approaching the world. People with the same interests or mission are able to connect more. I love that. But if you are only doing this for the sake of gaining those "approval", you might want to rethink. Those media is only a tool for you to do what you are really capable of. It does not validate anything.

Start by being honest 5 minutes a day. Maybe you don't feel like eating that piece of bread today. Maybe you don't feel like walking the same route today. Maybe you feel like you wanna grab that book and read. Maybe you want to pick up the phone and call your friend. Maybe you want to give a dollar for a homeless in the corner. Whatever it is, be honest for a little bit. If you don't feel like taking actions, that's fine. Just realize those honest feelings. You might have trained yourself to act certain way at the office and that habit has become an auto-pilot to you. Start realizing what you are doing and how that makes you feel. Start paying attention to the little things. Start being more mindful. It's a small step. But it's a small step that might change the way you thing. Don't underestimate the small things. As they say, we are all energetic being. The small particles of energy and molecules have created us. And if that's the truth, which I believe that is, the little tiny piece that we're taking it for granted, that can change who we are completely. think about that. We are all tiny. We are all the tiny pieces to create this Universe. And everybody's got different part in it. So, be responsible for your part.

Love, Hope, Faith

impluse

“What happens when people open their hearts?"

"They get better.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Wikipedia states that

An impulse is a wish or urge, particularly a sudden one. It can be considered as a normal and fundamental part of human thought processes. 

As we grow older, we learn how not to act upon our impulses. Think before you say something. Think before you act. Plan before you take an action. I feel like doing this, but I wonder what other people might think of me. I want to paint, but I don't think I am good enough. I want to sing, but that might annoy my roommate. I want to go skydiving, but I don't have money for it...

Think, think, think... Our society formed us to fight against our impulses. We are trained to put productivity, social statues, financial stabilities over our impulses. We are trained to ignore our impulses. So, when we are asked what we want or how we are feeling, we don't know what to answer. Because we think about the logistics of it first. How many of you had experienced this before? When your friends asked you "How's your life?" or "What's going on lately?" and you just answer "you know, just the same." or "just fine" and switch the subject? or turn the questions around and let them talk about their life? For others you might appear to be a good listener. But are you really? Are you really listening while they are talking? Or are you pretend to be listening and thinking about what's really going on in your life?

why do you think that you can't talk about your life? why are you afraid to talk about your life? Do you feel like you are not doing as well as they are? Do you feel like their life is much more interesting than yours? Do you feel like you are not worthy? Do you feel like you have nothing going on in your life, nothing to show for? Do you feel like you are ashamed of what's going on in your life? Why is it that you can't talk about your life?

Anthony Meindl said, "Do not disqualify yourself just because you think you have nothing to show for".  So let me ask you. Do you disqualify yourself? All these years, you've learned to filter yourself, to ignore your impulses, and to think before you feel. So you analyze what's going on before you act. You brainwashed yourself that you are not worthy. Stop doing that to yourself. You are worthy, from the moment you were created till the day you die. You are worthy no matter where you are in your life. You are worthy just because you are who you are. And your impulses are there to guide you. Your feelings are there to help you. It doesn't mean that you have to go around broadcasting what's going on in your life, or start saying everything you think. Whatever it is that you are feeling, or the impulse you have, simply acknowledge them. You have to let them be. Just because you are feeling upset or sad, it doesn't make you any less of a person or not good enough. It doesn't mean that you have to go around punching people or yelling everyone around you. If someone hurt you, you will feel that. If someone congratulate you, you will feel that. There's no reason not for you to feel.

We can't unlearn everything in overnight. We have formed the habit for way too long. Start by doing something small. When people ask you what's going on in your life. tell them what's going on. It's scary to let yourself be vulnerable. And everyone's vulnerabilities are different. Start making connections with other people. Don't be afraid to connect with others. Don't be afraid to let yourself be you. Don't be afraid to let yourself feel. Don't be afraid. Because you are worthy. You are wonderful. And you are meant to be more.

Love, Hope, Faith.

Self-acceptance

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” 

― Mark Twain

Admitting something is not always easy. Changes, mistakes, faults, unknown, love, anger, trust, sadness, or being you. You feel you are unworthy of what you want, love, success, or this life, whatever that may be. The truth is that you are worthy. You are worth of love. You are worthy of success. You are worthy to dream. "Wait, I made way too many mistakes!" "I am too old." "I don't have enough qualification." Yes, you can't change what already happened. You can't undo the mistakes. You can't go back in time and do SAT again. You can't take back what you said to the friends when you got upset. You simply can't. The question is, what have you learned? Have all these "setbacks" and "detours" taken you to the right people? Taught you the lessons you needed? Protected you from bigger problems? You may not see it now, or you might not even see it ever. But they have. You are always in the right place with right people. It might not be the people you want or where you want to be. And the Universe reveals you a path to the higher purpose and opportunities when, and ONLY when you are ready. You have to learn your lesson. You have to meet people. You have to go places. And those things don't happen according to your plan.  Sometimes you have to learn the lesson from the painful experience. You might want to quit and runaway. Yet, the life won't let you do that, does it? And the best thing for us to do is to let yourself experience that. It's hard to acknowledge the pain or whatever it is that you are feeling. But in order for you to actually learn something and move on in a true sense is to let yourself experience that. That's the only way. Otherwise, we keep our feelings and emotions pushed down, wearing a mask that says everything is ok, and keep holding the pain forever.

Recently, it has been really rough for me. I have to face a lot of things that I have been avoiding. what I really am and who I really am. For other people, I may seem quite extrovert person. I may be in a social situation, where I don't really have to talk about myself. However, the reality is that I am quite the opposite. I am very introverted when it comes to my own personal life. "How is everything with you?" ""What's happening in your life?" "What are you up to lately?" I don't know how to answer any of those questions. "you know, the same." that's usually my answer. I feel like a fake more often than I want to. I became so good at portraying this character and don't know how to tell people how I'm y really feeling. What's actually going on in my life. or how to ask for a help when I need someone to just be there for me. I usually turn the questions around. "How about you? What's going on in YOUR life?" I am a better listener than a talker. Now that I'm writing this, I actually know how I became like this. And I don't know how to turn things around. Writing it out is so much easier than actually talking to people. Because in this way, I can delete what I wrote when it doesn't make sense. I don't have to worry about the sense of judgement or criticism from others in a intimate way. I don't have to worry about what comes out from my mouth, meaning without any filter. And of course yes, I need to let these out of my system. So, thank you for baring with me and my nonsense.

So, why am I writing this?

I think there are so many others who are feeling like me. It's easy to get the false sense of connection through social media. And yet that actually disconnect us from the real world, from the real human connection, and most importantly from the real connection to yourself. I go on Facebook and see all these posts and hate myself sometimes. Why everyone else's life seems better than mine? Why everyone else are there and not me? Why am I so unworthy? The inner criticism and judgement start. In my head I know better not to do any of it that I do. And yet, when I feel isolated from the real world or when I am in an uncomfortable situation, I go on my phone, to actually isolate myself, to block myself out. Then why still do it? In stead of seeking actual human connection? The biggest reason, I think, is the fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of being isolated, fear of being not worthy, fear of not knowing, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointment.... And all of those are here because I did experience those. I did experience the loneliness and hurt. That's why those habits became my habits. My defense mechanism kicked in.

Our life happens. And we can't control how others think, or do, that we have absolutely no control over. But still, we are still alive and we have to keep going. We are who we are whether we like it or not. This is all we got. And I struggle with it so much. I imagine you do too. I have to come clean to myself. And it is not easy. the things that's been revealing to me, those are painful and I just wish I could stop this. But I can't. I feel like I've opened Pandora's box. But if I want to keep writing this blog and working on Love+Live+Life project, which to be honest I don't know if I do 100% at this point, I have to TRULY accept myself. Including my mistakes, flaws, and whatever that is I am. And I have to share that with you. And that's the only way to genuinely tell the story. If I preach something that I don't even practice, why should you believe me? or let alone give it a try? So I admit and accept the fact that I am barely getting to know myself in this sense. I will struggle in this journey. And I will rant time to time. Everybody is on a different journey. But I believe that our purpose is the same, to be who you truly are. Not who you want to be or who you think you are, but who you truly are and who you are created to be.

Love, Hope, Faith