“In order to eat, you have to be hungry. In order to learn, you have to be ignorant.
Ignorance is a condition of learning. Pain is a condition of health.
Passion is a condition of thought. Death is a condition of life.”
― Robert Anton Wilson, Leviathan
When I was younger, I saw the interview by this actress. "I want to be a person who doesn't say I am tired when actually am". Mind over matter. That's what I thought. And she does portray that type of energy and personality on TV. She is like a good role model, a good mother and a wife. She seemed like one of those "put together" woman. That moment, I promised myself that I would be just like that. I didn't want to seem negative. I didn't want to look tired. I didn't want people to think that all I do was complaining. So, I took that initiative to commit myself to this promise. Whenever people asked me how I was doing, I'd smile and say "I'm great!". For a long time, people perceived me as such. By default, I am a happy person, and I love that about myself. Hugging, smiling, laughing, playing, having fun... all those are the things I love. Sometimes people would come up and say "you seem like you have no worries in the world whatsoever". Just as my dad said, I took that as a huge compliment. I mean, isn't it?! I thought it was. I am doing great! I am not complaining or energy sucking Vampire. I am being positive and happy. From outside, I was definitely "put together" kinda person.
But why does it have to be that way? The answer is NO, it doesn't have to. It doesn't also mean, you can just complain and nag all the time. It just means that we are all allow to feel whatever we are feeling. It's there already anyways, why deny them? The fact is that the more we deny, suppress, or ignore those feelings, the more of those you would end up feeling. Have you been in the situation where you realize that you are upset and try to calm yourself down? How did that work for you? It doesn't really work for me. when I do try to calm myself down, whether I am upset or nervous, I end up getting that feeling more. The society has given us the ideas that certain emotions are wrong, negative, or not proper. Getting angry, crying, too excited, or not to excited, anything too extreme is not appropriate. "Girls shouldn't get upset like that". "Men shouldn't cry in front of people". "We should think about being proper". So we learned to not to feel without even realizing it. The bad part is that that's the only way that we know how to raise kids, because your parents were probably raised the same way you did, and the list goes on and on. We only know what we know. It's a whole global brainwashing system. Right? But, we all feel what we feel. If we weren't suppose to feel all those things, why do we feel them? Or rather, if we have those feelings regardless, what's wrong with allowing ourselves to feel them?
It doesn't mean that you can act out and punch people in the face, or scream at people, or start going crazy. If you are upset, you are upset. If you are sad, you are sad. There's nothing wrong with you. We don't have to suppress your feelings. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge that it's there. "Yes, I am feeling upset" "Yes, I am very sad". Sit still and give yourself a permission to experience that feeling. The problem is that we live in such a high pace life, that we don't really have time to sit and experience that feelings. Most of us have build the defense mechanism that's auto pilot. We've learned to deflect our feelings and emotions. The moment we feel that so-called "negative feelings" we wear masks. When I was working at the restaurant, whenever I got upset, my immediate response was to smile. I just smiled. I wasn't suppose to show my feelings. I was suppose to smile and just nod. I wasn't suppose to get upset. The longer, I worked, the easier it got. The more I ignored my feelings, the more numb I became. Then when something huge happened, I almost snapped. I didn't know how to react. I wasn't treated in a way I should have. I wanted to scream at them right there. But I wasn't ALLOW to. I didn't know how to process that feeling, but I cried. Even that, I had to cut it short because I needed to get back on the floor. I put myself together, put on a smile that I was already attached to me, then I stepped out on that floor. Now that I have been out from that job for over a month I realized that how much stress I have been putting on myself. Yes, you can't just leave your job. You have bills to pay and mouth to feed. But it doesn't mean that you have to ignore what you are feeling. You can and you are suppose to feel those things. Those are there to tell you that you need to take care of yourself. Yes, mind over matter. Some people are very strong, strong enough to overcome those "negative" feelings right away and put on the lovely smile. I was one of them. But, you are not being truly authentic to yourself. Again, you don't need to act upon it. If your boss or coworker, friends or family member upset you, go to a bathroom and give yourself few minutes to just feel it. You don't have to shut down that feeling. and for the love of God, please don't.
We are more than enough. Whatever we are born with, we are suppose to have it. It doesn't mean that we have to keep all of it. But it's there for reasons. Maybe it's there for you to overcome. Maybe it's there for you to teach YOU something, or teach Others something. It's there for you to learn to forgive yourself. It's there for reasons. Without sadness and pain, you won't learn to be compassionate or to be happy. Without darkness, you won't see the light. Start to allow yourself to be in that duality or the polarity. It is OK. You don't have to be all "put together". You don't have to portray the happy person. You are you, include all that. There's nothing wrong with you. You are just learning to balance. And you are not alone.
Love, Hope, Faith
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