“Life always begins with one step outside of your comfort zone.”
― Shannon L. Alder
To notice your pattern is one thing. A very important step indeed. Without realizing that pattern, there's no moving forward. There might be a judgement or two as well. "How come I didn't notice this before?" "Why have I been doing that to myself?" "Why did I start building this pattern?" Questions will come up. And you might wish that you didn't discover that pattern at all to begin with. But now that you have discovered that pattern, what's your next action? Especially, when you notice that you're just in your comfort zone for the whole time. How do you get out of it? How would you overcome the anxiety? How would you take your first step?
Next week I am leaving the day job I stayed for 2 years. I love the people I work with. they are my friends and family. The connection we built over the years were unbelievable. I have always been fortunate and blessed with my coworkers. These people taught me deeper meaning of friendship and communication. So I am very sad that I am leaving this place. However, this is something I need to do to have better life. Working at the restaurant is easy. Every place has its system and once you get it, you are good to go. I have worked in restaurant for good amount of time and I am good at what I do. But this isn't something I want to do forever. Where I work now, it has relatively steady income, which makes you comfortable. Plus the fact that I love people there made me not want to leave. Even with the dramas happening with the management, I wanted to stay for the people. Not for the company. And that's what I did. Initially when I started working, "ok 6 months, and I will be out", I said to myself. The 6 months became 2 years. I don't regret the choice I made. They taught me so much. The biggest thing I learned was that I have a power to say "NO". They offered me to become a head server long time ago. But I didn't want the extra job or the responsibility. So I said NO. I could have picked up more shifts when we were short stuff. But I said NO. Because I decided that this job won't be my priority, even though I knew that they needed people. It felt like I was being selfish. In a way I was. And old me would try to put guilty conscious on me. But I fought. "NO. I drew my line and I won't back up." I noticed that I have a power. I've always had it, just didn't know that, or afraid to use it.
Instead of 2 week notice, I gave them a month notice. Thursday is my last day. I don't have a job lined up. I don't have any plan. It might be a stupid move, especially in NYC. But I am taking the leap of faith and promised not to go back to the restaurant job. I have to commit to do so and I want to do it. It almost feels like the week before high school graduation. I know that people would be there for me as I would for them. But not seeing them all the time brings up anxiety. Not having a steady income brings up anxiety. Committing to quit the job I am used to brings up anxiety. And I could easily fall back to the old pattern. It makes me feel like I am doing something. It makes me feel like I am not alone. It makes me feel like, I am doing ok. But the truth is, I am not. I am not reaching my full potential. I've complained how much I hated this job. I've always said that I want to get out of the restaurant job. I was holding on to the security blanket like a madness. It made me feel comfortable. It gave me a sense of security. It made me feel like I was doing something with my time. It made me feel that I am not alone. The truth is, I was hiding. I was too scared to take the action. I was too scared to feel alone. I don't know how to do anything else. So I was holding on so tight to what made me feel safe and secure. Because I was too afraid.
Whether I am ready or not, Thursday will come. And I would be leaving the job. What am I gonna do? I don't know. I have no idea. I want my headshot photography to grow. I want to "Love+Live+Life" to be founded as non-profit. I want to travel around the world. Where am I gonna start? What am I gonna do? Again, leaving the job without a plan seems irresponsible. People say "take the leap of faith and the road will appear", "KNOW that the Universe will take care of you", "Don't try to control, surrender". And I understand that. At the same time, there's a part of me, "logical" part of me, saying that "you are just being lazy. Trusting? Just work hard. Do whatever it takes to make money. Go look for a job." So, there's still a battle going on inside me. All I know is that I am committed to leave the restaurant job. It takes courage, determination, and faith. I don't know how things are gonna be. I'm sure I'd be overwhelmed by nerve and anxiety. I'd be filled with the temptation to look for a job that's more familiar and comfortable. But I have to be strong. I want to be strong. It's not gonna be easy and I am scared. So wish me luck on this new chapter in my life. I could use some encouragement and support. To not to live for your dream and your passion is the most irresponsible thing you can do to yourself. I believe in that. And it's time that I stand by what I preach. So, here it comes. A brand new chapter in my life.
Love+Hope+Faith
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