Who am I?

“If you can accept the indescribable nature of your true identity, you unveil the mystery of life.” 

― Akemi G, 

Why We Are Born: Remembering Our Purpose through the Akashic Records

Who am I? seriously. I don’t know who I am. I know that I am a vessel for this Universe and here to serve. Yes, I know that. But with what? Maybe being an actor, singer, entrepreneur, marine biologist, photographer, baker, flower shop owner, FBI negotiator….? The list can go on and on. But that’s a title, job description, It’s what you do. it’s not what I am or who I am, is it? We like to categorize and judge others for what they do, especially in NYC. When you meet new people, that’s the first thing we ask. “So, what do you do?” But why? It’s not about what we do, well, ultimately yes, what we do does have great effects on people. But that does not define us for who we truly are. Our job titles or social status, or how much we make, those are not the thing that defines us. So who are we? And who am I? 

when I moved to NYC 3 years ago, I joined my acting studio, Anthony Meindl’s Actor Workshop. I can not describe how grateful I am for this studio, the lessons and people I met. To me, this is not an acting class. It’s a class to become a better human being. I love it. This place had made me become more aware of myself and helped me get out of my own head, and becoming who I truly am, whatever that means. The owner Anthony Meindl, he is a true rockstar. And I am not ashamed to admit that I am social media stalker for his online appearance, and I’ve told him that too. His weekly videos are so inspiring and cultivating. He’s full of energy, compassion and a human. He just is. He’s so passionate about what he does. His motto is “Change your acting, change your life”.  AMAW teaches you how to listen and be present in the moment, with RIGHT brain, not with the LEFT brain. His book “At Left brain, Turn Right”, is one of my favorite book. How can we be more engaged in our life? Why do we have pattern? Why do we wear so many layers and masks? Why are we afraid of being truly who we truly are? I was able to sit in for his class last night. And it made me realize how much have I changed since I started. Everything Tony said, everything each student said, resonated with me on some level. Especially, when one of the student was saying this. “I’ve come to realize that who I truly am is so much more grounded and calm, but I feel the need to do something when I am with people even to smile. Now that I’m realizing the true self, I am too afraid to just let myself be and be vulnerable. I am too scared and don’t trust that part of myself quite yet”. That resonated with me so deeply. Most of us just can’t even sit in silent for a minute. We will go on to our phone, check our email or FB, or start listening to music. How about being still? How about just listening to what’s going on? How about just let yourself be and enjoy the silence? Can you listen to your heart beat? Why do we need to fill the silence? Because we think what is there is not enough. We have cultivated scarcity mindset so deeply, that we can’t even be in silence for a minute. But who we are, and who you are, is enough. Just being there is enough. It’s so hard to get that through our thick skull, isn’t it? It’s really hard. I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know how many layers I have to rip off to get to the authentic self. Most of us likely to have so many layers and that has become our norm. We think that the layered up person, whoever that is, is our true self. We say “this is not who I am” “this is what I do” “I just don’t know how else to go about it”… After all the years, all the defense mechanisms and habits, layers and lies, we started to believe that that’s who we are. And most of us don’t even remember or know that somewhere deep inside, there’s an authentic ourself dying to live this life the fullest. Tony said something profound last night. “You don’t layer anything, you UNLAYER EVERYTHING and just be in the moment”. I truly wish that everyone can be in the class. It makes you uncomfortable, scared, and even want to run away. But this is the safest place to explore and invest in yourself. We owe it to ourself. The other day, our lecture was about empathy. We emphasize to others because we see something there that we see in ourself. We are all the same energetic being forming different shapes and size, and we are one collective being. And that’s we can relate and empathize others. Because we were formed with the exact same formula, the energy, so why can’t we empathize and connect to everyone? “I see myself in you”. So, even if we can’t fill other people’s shoes, we CAN still connect to the other person. How is it like to be you? If we could invest in trying to see the world from that perspective, we are all one, maybe we don’t even need to know who we are as an individual. Because we are just all one same energetic and vibrational being, at the end anyways. Eckart Tolle talked about that I think. First, we have to understand our ego to let go our ego. 

So, let’s go back to the question again. Who am I? I am myself, and I am you. And I am nowhere near the second part. I am barely scratching the surface of my “EGO” self. I don’t even know how many layers I still have to go through. All the work I’ve been doing, has already made tremendous amount of joy and bliss in my life. One of the biggest success was detachment from the finance. I used to care so much about how much money I have in the bank account. It still hits me once in a while, but for the most of the part, I’ve gotten better. And my mantra has switched to “The Universe’s got my back”. I started to investing in myself more, taking classes, spending more time with friends and family, getting books and magazines that fuel my soul (live happy and mindful magazines are my favorites). God, I am learning so much. I am nowhere near perfect. I have made tons and tons of mistakes that I wish I could take back. But I’m learning so much and starting to let go of those past. And sometimes that scares me because I am so happy but I don’t know if I deserve to be this happy for all those things from the past. And I push myself back in t the route of “you can’t for get about this” “you need to be punished for this mistakes and that mistakes” “You don’t deserve to be this happy because there’re people who’re suffering”. keep bringing myself to be not happy, holding on to the crutches. My life has been changing so much and it’s blowing my mind. I’m meeting so many amazing people, having wonderful experiences, learning so much about life and about myself. And things are starting to manifest and unfold. It’s just crazy. Life is full of miracles and I just don’t understand. so if you ask me “who I am”, I’d say, this “I have no idea. I am work in progress”. i don’t know how the world sees me. People often tells me that I am very happy person, and I guess I am. I love to laugh, smile and play. My mother said and Mary Poppins said “Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine goes down in the most DELIGHTFUL WAYS”. it’s about perception. It’s about finding fun. it’s about shifting paradigm. It’s about serving the Universe. People have told me time to time in the past, “you seem like you have no worries in the world”. The first time I heard I got upset. Because I thought they were saying that I am stupid. I was going through whatever it was I was going through at that point, I think I was freshman in high school. I told my father about this. Then he said, “Isn’t that the best compliment?” I didn’t understand that before. Considering that some smile and laughter are part of the defense mechanism and pattern, it might not be quite true. But being perceived as a happy person, a person with bliss, a person who is enjoying the life, I now understand that that IS the best compliment I could ever ask for. It doesn’t mean that I am happy all the time. No. things happen. But the difference is that I am more available to whatever that might be happening. I am more capable of feeling things, accepting things, going through things. A friend of mine told me while ago, "the more available you are, the bigger your trouble would be, just like Oprah. But that happens only because you have the tools to deal with them.“ Being available doesn’t mean that accepting the facts as matter of facts and leave it there. It means that accept the fact, then learn and grow from it. It’s not always going to be about us, most likely, if you could be in the level of Oprah, most of the problems will not even be about you. That’s where the “I see myself in you” comes in. I am part of you, so how can I be your service? I’ve been having the feeling that spreading these ideas and acting upon are the path the Universe wants me to take. Maybe not. Who knows? But I am trying to learn more and listen more about what the Universe is telling me. All I know now is that I am on this beautiful journey and cannot wait to see what’s out there. 

Always, LOVE+HOPE+FAITH

Everyone's story.

“But what's real? You can't find the truth. You just pick the lie you like best. As long as you know that everything's a lie, you can't hurt yourself.” 
― Marilyn Manson

When you look at this picture, do you see a rabbit, or a duck? That's a paradigm shift. There're always more than one side to a story. The one you actually experience, the one that you tell yourself that's the truth, the one other people tell. And depending on the situation, there could be more stories. The more people are involved, the more stories there will be. Any stories can be told from the hero's point of vies, the villain's point of view, or a trapped princess's point of view, or a passerby's point of view. Which story are you telling it to yourself? 

I am so fortunate to have a wise mom. She always told me to see the other sides of the stories, the situations, and the people. "If people are acting in the ways you don't like, instead of getting upset over it, be sorry for them or be grateful that you're not like them, or realize that they are just jealous of you." I always thought this was a genius idea. And when you start seeing from this perspective, you start see people in different ways. It's different from thinking "Oh I am better than you". That's not the case. There are ways to express your truth. And if people are hurting you, maybe they are just afraid, maybe they feel threatened by you, maybe they are seeing what they want in you. But the moment you change your perspective, you see different stories. 

I have been doing lots of digging lately and it has been pretty intense. My teachers are amazing and help me tap into the things that's deep down both from physical and mental aspects. I couldn't ask for better teachers. All those things that's coming up, there are truth and lies. some are very ugly. Some are very sad. Some are very upsetting. Some are very shameful. Some are lovely. Some are wonderful... And we might not find out the truth ever. What's true and what's real might not be the same. Again, the same event, a villain and a hero tell different stories. We only remember our stories, don't we? And the older we get, we tend to convince ourselves to believe OUR stories, how it should be, what should happen, how you should feel. All the "should"s and conscious choices start to take over our feelings, analyze the event, and create a story so called "truth". It's all controlled. We all learn to do these things. And we start to believe that's the TRUTH. Again, the older we get, the more clever we get, the more protective we get, the more analytical we get. And guess what, we also become numb to our own true feelings. That habit becomes automatic. Every stories are filtered and "should" based. And why do we do that? I think it all started from the defense mechanism, one way or the other. But to protect ourselves from getting hurt, seeing the truth, admitting our wrongs, feeling ashamed... It's time for us to start telling the truth. All those feelings are there for a reason. And the moment you acknowledge that fact that those feelings are there, you will start seeing things differently. Because you are more honest to your true self. And being able to let yourself feel all that takes enormous amount of courage. But if we let ourselves feel all those things we've been avoiding, we might be able to see the truth eventually. We might be able to peel off all the layers of lies and emphasized details and fixated stories. And why do we want to do that? It's rough. It's too much. it's going to make us crazy... True. But you will be able to see things from the place of love and light. You will understand others better. You will see the stories better.

I barely started stepping on to this journey and it's already been crazy. It's not the overnight fix. It's a life time journey that everyone go through. And I understand that this is totally my opinion and some of you might not even understand or agree with this. And that's ok. Everyone's journey is different. And that's the beauty of it. Everyone's story is different. It's all unique, beautiful and perfect in its own way. Embrace your journey. Enjoy the ride. Whatever that means to you.

love, hope, faith. 

you don't have to do it alone. just talk

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.” 
― John Lennon

Having a good community where you can get love and support is so important. Because none of us can live alone and we shouldn't in a first place. And last week, the importance of "good community" kept coming up in conversation. I am fortunate and grateful to find different communities with people that I love and whom I can count on. But a community doesn't just start out of no where, does it? It is born when group of like minded people get tother for the same motivation, cause, or the goal. And together, they thrive to better themselves, and support each other when needed. 

Last night was one epic moment for the Asian American community that I call home. I wouldn't have been here without this organization and this family, National Asian Artists Projects. Along with legendary Baayork Lee, Steven Eng and Nina Zoie Lam founded this organization for Asian American community 5 years ago. So that we, Asian American,  can go beyond and reach our full potential, and have family and friends. I have so much respect for these people and no words can express enough. They genuinely want what's good for us and are willing to fight for it. When I first moved to NYC, they welcomed me with open arms. They became my friends and family. This industry can be, and is, competitive. But this place is always filled with love and support. And not only that they know when to be tough on us, so that they can push us forward. Congratulations to all your success, your journey and what's more to come. 

In any of the community, or the group of friends that I was able to take a part in, there's a one thing that's in common. "LOVE". We just fell in love with each other. We are all from all over the place. Different background, different culture, we are different ages.... But there was a connection, a certain kind of bond. I don't know why. But there was something that makes me want to become better. At first it was kinda opposite. I just got nervous and intimidated by their looks, their attitude, their knowledge and experiences. I felt that it wasn't the right place for me. Jumping into a new place was/is not something I'm good at to begin with. I kept asking myself, why am I here with all these amazing people? I tried to convince myself that the fact that I am here means that I belong here. But let's face it, it wasn't working for a long time, and I still have those days. After all, I haven't done any shows(full productions) in close to a decade. Sharing a stage with those amazing people made me think, "maybe I don't have what it takes to be a lead, I am just an ensemble material.... " At the same time, there's a part of me with strong ego says, "why am I not singing that solo piece? I can do it too. No, I can do it better." Those two fight against each other, and every time it ends with this.. "STOP IT! this is not about comparing yourself to others. They did their share of work. Only competitor is you. GET OVER YOURSELF!" It's so easy to compare ourself in this business. The people who book more jobs. The ones that doesn't. Simple. It's so easy to fall into the rabbit hole and beat yourself up, IF you are doing this alone.

The thing about having a great support system and community is that you don't have to do it alone. Not only when you're down, but you can also celebrate together. The other day, I had a breakdown during the class. Because I was feeling stuck for a good amount of the time, while looking at others improving and shining. I felt myself shrinking day by day. And my teacher caught it and called me out on that. "What's going on?" I broke down. At the end of the class, everyone gave me a hug and told me how much they love me and that they understand me because they've all been there. Feeling stuck. Comparing to others. Beating up yourself. Wanting to quit, thinking that you're not good enough.... You don't have to go into the meetings or a club to build a community. Your family and your friends are there for you. You don't have to do it alone, and you shouldn't  in the first place. It's hard to share what you're going through or what you're feeling, especially the first time. You feel ashamed or embarrassed or you're wasting their time. But you're not. If they think that's the case, they won't be there to begin with. So next time someone asks how you are doing, just talk to them. It might not make any sense. It might have absolutely no structure and you could be just blabbing whatever that comes out of your mouth. But if you know that you need a support and some love, talk to someone. You really don't have to do it alone. and remember, you are not alone. And maybe, by you talking to someone, could change their perspective too.

love, hope, faith