I am who

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, 

I am not what I hope to be in another world; 

but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am” 

― John Newton

This seems to be the theme for me these days. "Go back to your roots". It particularly means, for me literally go back to where I come from, the heritage, my roots.

As a Japanese, living in United States, I believe that my experience was a bit different from most of people. It's all thanks to my mother, I grew up listening to Disney, The Sesame Street and all the kids programs in English. So, by the time I started studying English, it came easy for me. I participated in English Speech contest as a school representative, I went to New Zealand for a summer to be an exchange student. English was already a part of my life. I remember watching 90210 or Full House, Boy Meets World... all those shows in Enligsh AND Japanese. It was quite strange to hear how their voices were different when it's dubbed. So when I told my parents that I wanted to go study in U.S. they just knew. I didn't need to prepare speech or anything like that. They just knew it all along. After I moved, I tried to stay away from Japanese people, because I wanted to improve my English. There are tons and tons of people who just hang out amongst Japanese, talking in Japanese, doing everything in Japanese. For me, that didn't make sense at all. I tried to stay away from them, or when I DID hang out with Japanese people, those were the people who had the same mentality as me. Time to time, we spoke English to each other to improve ourselves. Thanks to my mother and all the videos, when I started taking Accent reduction class, I got better significantly. And I loved it when people tell me "OMG, You sound like an American, or I thought you were born here". And I hated it with passion, when my acting teacher made me do the scenes in Japanese instead or Japanese accent. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to do the scene in English, = I AM NOT GOOD ENOGH. To improve my English, I surround myself with English, wrote everything in English, watch things in English, and ignored my heritage. And that became my validation. That made me think that I am good when I am speaking English. Sure, there are many things that I cannot explain in Japanese, just because of the way the language was formed, but it became easier for me to speak English. I speak so little Japanese nowadays.

Then what changed? During the meditation I did in past few weeks,  the messages I get were spoken to me in Japanese. From the spirit guide, from the guardian Angels, from the other side... All the "important" messages were in Japanese. Then I got to hang out with a friend of mine who's also Japanese, which rarely happens. And I had a great time. It turned out that she was experiencing the same thing. Going back to the roots. Some of the things she mentioned made me even cry. And THEN last night in the acting class, my teacher had me do the scene with "strong Japanese accent", which I haven't done it in a while. Guess what? I felt myself being playful, listening more, and the most of all, having fun. It was weird feeling. For the first time in a while, I was having fun doing the thing that I hated with passion. How did that happen?

I've been ignored that part of me for a long time. Now that I think about it, almost repulsively. I turned away from my heritage. It kinda makes me sad too. Is who I am right now build on the top of the mask? Has it all been just a facade? Then who am I? I don't think it was all facade. I did live that life. I was doing my best to fit in to another culture. "wanting to blend in" "wanting to fit in" "wanting to be accepted"... the thing I hated about Japanese culture, I was doing the exact same thing. I was trying to FIT IN. Because my English was "good enough" I felt like I was accepted to this culture. I felt like I was good enough. I felt like I belong..... But that's not exactly who I am, is it? I am who I am including every single part of my existence. Including my weakness and strength, likes and dislikes, good and bad, Japanese and English... I am ALL OF THAT. I AM WHO I AM and I need to embrace every part of it.

In this transition time, I wrote my goals and desires. One of them is to speak at TEDtalk both in Japanese and English. So, I better start embracing that part now. Because I am who I am. I am what I am. And that's ok. That's what makes me unique. It doesn't mean that I am perfect. No. I make mistakes. I make stupid decisions. I am recovering perfectionist. I am afraid of a lot of things. I am who I am it means to embrace all that. I am who I am, it means to accept where you are and move forward. I am who I am, it means to take responsibility for your own life. I am who I am, it means to love your life and live your life the fullest. And that's what I wanna do. And that's what I want you to do. I am who I am. That's the courageous statement. There's a lot of unlearning I gotta go through to be really who I am. And I am willing to do that. I am willing to take charge of my action and surrender the rest to the Universe. It doesn't mean that I will be happy and zen all the time. If anything, I will be even more of a mess! and that's exciting. that's living. Love, and Live your LIFE NOW. This is only a beginning.

Love, Hope, Faith

"I AM ME" Project 

Have a Love Affair with YOURSELF

“You are not an option, a choice or a soft place to land after a long battle. 

You were meant to be the one. If you can wrap yourself around the idea that you are something incredible, then you will stop excusing behavior that rapes your very soul. 

You were never meant to teach someone to love you. You were meant to be loved.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

How much do you love yourself? On the scale of one to ten, what is your score?

We live in a world, where things are so messed up. We were born as a pure energy being, as a creature of pure love, and we learn so many things not to be who we are not. We learn to hide, pretend, and to ignore who we truly are. Now that we are more aware of these concept, we have to UNLEARN all that. Some of the habits have become auto-pilot and we don't even realize that we are not being truly and authentically who we are. We don't even know who we we are in the most authentic way. That's hard. We have to unlearn and undo things we learned and the masks we wear for God knows how long. Its decades and decades! It is absolutely not an easy process. First, we have to find what those blocks and masks are. You are going to experience so much resistance. Because you are comfortable. You have been "that" person, whoever you create, and believed that that's who you are. You are going to have enormous amount of resistance. I am not saying that all the learned behaviors are bad. That's not true at all. We learn the discipline, the commitment, the faith, the support..... Those are amazing qualities to have. Yet along the way somewhere, we do learn to hide ourselves. For what? To be accepted, to be acknowledged, to be loved, to be validated.... We want connection. We want to connect with others so that we don't feel alone. We don't want to be disappointed. We don't want to be ignored. We don't want to be different... All those fears formed those masks and habits. We want to be liked. We want to be accepted. 

Breaking the limited belief and habits are tough. But we can do it. We can do it, ONLY if we truly want to. We have to WANT to change. We have to be willing to go deeper and get ugly, be willing to see the wounds and causes behind all that. You might not even remember how it happened for the most of the thing. But those limited belief and behaviors were born/created to protect you from getting hurt. It doesn't mean that that is your truth. Your truth is this. "You are a divine love. You are a divine being who are meant for greatness and for the greatness for the Universe. " When you can see it from that point of view, things will change. But you have to be strong to go through that path. 

I was overwhelmed today. A lot have been coming up in my life for the past few days. It was definitely challenging me to get out of the comfort zone. It is not what I'm good at. This isn't for me. I am not good enough for this... Even those you try, there'll be days when you go back to old ways, or the old habits creep up on you. Absolutely. The thing is that when you start realizing those old habits and turn from that old way, those revisiting "old days" scares you like never before. Then you go to the mentality of "oh NO. I have to go back to light. I shouldn't think this way or that way. I should be doing this".......But guess what?! Don't be harsh on yourself. You don't have to give yourself a hard time because you are there. You don't need to beat yourself for judging yourself. You took the first step, you are aware of your habits, you can go through that block. You CAN UNLEARN all those to be who you truly are. YOU CAN. You have what it takes.

As I was breaking down, my mentor told me this. "You need to LOVE YOURSELF. Have a love affair with yourself.". This isn't something we are used to hearing, is it? We often misunderstand loving yourself and being selfish or arrogant. No. I don't think that's true at all. If you cannot love yourself for who you truly are without any judgement, you cannot love others. because you don't know how to others to begin with. You need to accept, embrace and enjoy yourself. If you can love yourself who is usually the most harsh person to yourself, I mean think about how we talk to ourselves, then you'll know how to love others. We learn the true meaning of compassion and understanding. We will learn to embrace every single inch of ourselves. We are who we are for reasons. To find that out, maybe our journey. Love yourself, no BE IN LOVE with yourself. You deserve it. You have to. You are more than enough. You are truly the divine being. You don't have to hide any more. Unfold and unleash. You are more than enough. 

Love, Hope, Faith

Connect by truly being Authentic

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. 

It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. 

The choice to let our true selves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown -

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I had the privilege to attend Oprah's Super Soul Session today. The moment I stepped into the auditorium, I knew that I was in the right place. The energy, the atmosphere, the vibration in that room was so high. If you say maybe it was because of all the guests speakers, you might be right. The hype was already there. It was exciting and overwhelming. It was incredible experience to be able to witness those great teachers and the seekers. Each speaker had different their own special gifts to offer. I was able to connect with them because they were being authentic, not that I know them in person, which I wish I did, but because the way they delivered the speech. They were captivating and magnetic. They were telling their own beautiful stories. India Arie's segment was absolutely my favorite. I couldn't stop crying. Her voice, her presence, and her divine energy was speaking to me, and to all of us, in the most profound way. It was her love for the divine Universe and the passion for her purpose. "We need to define our own success" she said. Even a grammy award winner like India Arie, struggled to find her path. She said her struggles were real. Her struggles were devastating. She suffered just like you and me. And she came back, like the Phoenix. She didn't have to pretend or wear the mask to please others. She found her own definition of success that nobody can take away from her. She is beautiful, talented, powerful woman. "SongVersation" she calls it. I love it. By unfolding who she authentically is, by truly being who she is, by being unapologetically who she is, she connected with me. I connected with her.

As the whole day went by, listening to all these great teachers, Oprah Winfrey, Eckhart Tolle, Marie Forleo, Kris Carr,  Sheryl Strayed, Amanda Sternberg, Shaka Senghor, Caroline Myss, Dr. Shefali Tsabary,Kerry Washington, inspired me. And made me want to step up. I want to be the light. I want to speak up more. They talked about race and color. Being an Asian person, that made me wonder. "Where are the Asian leaders and goddesses?" Other than Dalai Lama, do we have more Asian Leaders? It's not about color or race. But the next generation needs to know and have the exposure, that we are all just humans, not the colors of the skin, not how we look, not where we come from... "We are human. All we need to do is to be who we are created to be".  I want to be that voice. I want to be me, unapologetically. And connect with people.

Don't ever forget to learn. Learn and grow every opportunities you get. Be the most authentic self. Live that crazy, sexy life. Do not be afraid to stand for what you believe in. Do not be afraid of what you believe in. Believe it. You are good enough. You are more than enough. You are here to serve this Universe. The fact that you are here, that only proves that you ARE worthy, that you are meant to do something greater than you can imagine, that you are divine. You are light. Sing your own song. YOUR OWN AMAZING song and stand for it. You are enough. You are more than enough.


Love, Hope, Faith

Happiness from Inside

“I've got nothing to do today but smile.” 

― Paul Simon

More often than not, we have no idea what we are doing. We are just trying to figure things out. And what are we trying to figure out exactly? Are we trying to figure out HOW things are going to be? or WHEN its's going to happen? or what is it that we're so hard trying to figure out? And why do we want to figure that out so badly?

We are a creature that wants to know. We want certainty and results. We want proof. A lot of us are result oriented. When such and such happen, I'll be happy. When such and such happen, I will change my attitude. The good old "I'll be happy when" syndrome. Is it true though? Can we really be happy when those things come to reality? Of course, in a short term, we'll definitely be happy. When we lose that 10lbs, we'll be happy. Then we struggle to maintain the weight. We starve ourselves or deprive ourselves from truly enjoying our lives. Then we get upset. And in a blink of an eye, that 10lbs come back to us. Or you work so hard to get that promotion and when you finally got the job, you just realize that you're working more hours with lots of responsibilities and spending less time with your family. How does that gonna make us feel? It sure doesn't make us happy, does it? So, we can't rely on that "I'll be happy when syndrome" period. We just can't.  We've heard it before, "Happiness" is a choice. It's a life style and an inside job. When you change what's going on inside, then what's going on out side will match your vibration. That's what the Law of Attraction has been teaching us the whole time. We are all vibrational being. We are all sum of the energy. So we attract whatever it is that match our vibration. That's alchemy. Yet as a result oriented human being, we want the outside circumstances to bring us what makes us happy. So we keep telling ourselves and others that I'll be happy when what's going on outside changes.

We were born with nothing but our body. We were pure energy being. We were pure love. When we were born. And the only thing that is for sure is that we are going to die and leave this physical body when the time comes. That's the only thing that we know. Let's think for a minute. When we die and leave our body, we don't take whatever it is we earned or gained while we were alive, the social statues, the money, the house, the cars... we leave all those when the time comes. We might leave them for our loved ones. But we will not take that with us. It's not possible. We start with nothing, end with nothing. So why can't we find a way to be happy with nothing in the middle? There are necessities. We need a place to live, food to eat. Yes, I get that. But we are capable of enjoying our lives without all the worldly things that we are so obsessed with. We don't have to. We can live simpler life if we learn to appreciate who we are and what we are able to offer the others. If we realize that what we need to do in this world is to learn and to grow and to serve, we don't need all the things to impress others, or to prove ourselves. We don't need those. We don't need to be validated. We don't need to prove ourselves to others. Because we are already happy with who we are and what we do. All we need to do it to learn, to grow and to serve. See things from inside. See things bigger than you do now. There are so much more than that. And when you start seeing things from that whole new perspective, things will start to change.

Love Hope Faith