"I AM ME". That's my journey.

Truth... Change is inevitable. I am feeling that more than ever. As a matter of fact, change might be the only thing that is for sure. We constantly change whether we like it or not.

What I am going through is this... The biggest challenge for me is that saying X and doing X. I know that I am good at putting a good face. I know that from the outside, I might look like I am doing 100 million things and being busy and following my dream, quote and quote. And the reality is... different. I am good at preparing for the work. I am good at studying or doing the research, and taking action... that's a whole new story. I realized that I have been "doing it" for the longest time. I have been playing small. I have been playing safe. People have been telling me that I am good at doing this or that. (i.e. taking headshot, or talking to people or doing so many other things). I have come to the point that I made up so much BS that I started believing that. But who am I kidding? I know better than anyone that I am not doing it. I know that I haven't pushing myself to the most. I told some people that I am standing on the ledge. My feet half way out.  I am leaning forward. But I haven't jumped off. I am terrified of jumping off. I haven't trusted the Universe fully. And even that, because I am leaning forward, people think that I am jumping. They haven't seen me jump yet. They think that I am. Have I???

My mentor inspires me so much. She is the reason that I went on this path. At least, she showed me the way. And for that I am forever grateful for that. She lives in that. She lives in the change. She lives in action. She lives in authenticity. She lives in vulnerability. She lives in connection. I have so much respect for her and I am so grateful for her and the path she led me to.


I want to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I get in the little bubble and think that it's all about me. How would people think of me? How would people perceive me? What if people think that I am so conceited? What if people think I am crazy? I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want people to shut me down. I didn't want to hear no. I didn't want to feel rejected or worthless. I know that once I do it, it's not that big of a deal. But until I do it, I make it bigger than it is. We do that a lot, don't we? I believe in what I do. "I AM ME" Project, Essential Oils, Yoga, meditations... all the things that gives me love and purpose and connection... I believe in all that. When I don't trust in the Universe enough I go back into my bubble.

I've always loved singing. Singing was one thing that kept me going. Even though I knew that it is a form of art, I always felt somewhat doing it to make myself feel better. I got the attention. I got compliments. I got what I needed to make me feel better. And the other day, I finally saw that the music is truly a gift. I knew that the message needed to be shared. I knew that what I was singing could inspire people. I knew that I needed to sing that song. I knew that I WANTED to sing that song.

I am on a selfish journey. I wanna soar. I wanna fly. I wanna be me. And I want to get out of my shell. I want to connect. I want to live.

A friend asked me, "Are you trying to prove yourself that you can't do it?"

The self-sabotaging journey that I have been on. I want to stop that now. I want to walk the talk. I want to live what I preach. I want to be more. I want to be me. "I AM ME". So help me walk this journey. Help me live this life. Help me be who I really am.

I love you.

love, hope fatih

What’s going on? 

Everything seems to be falling apart. The election? The Country? The people? and my life? 

People say all kinds of things. "Before all the breakthrough, there’s always a breakdown.” “There’s no mistakes, because whatever the decisions we made, we thought that was the best decision at that exact moment”. Knowing and understanding are different. We see what we see, depending on how we see. No two people see the situation the same. What I see and what you see are different. What I feel based on A is different than what you feel based on A. So, we do what we think is the best at that moment. 

I don’t understand why people voted for Trump. I really don’t. As an immigrant, as a non-us citizen, as a woman of color and a minority, I have nothing to stand for him. What he is this. what he is is the ultimate example of what we could become if we let shadows take us over. He is the representation of 7 deadly sins. Pride, Greed, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath, and sloth……. God is showing us how we could be if we let ourselves go. God is giving us the greatest opportunity to step into our light. Step into our love. Step in to our greatest potential. That we get to heal. That we get to love. We get to lean in and support each other. We get to love and be loved. We get to shine our light. We are allowed to grieve. It is a part of process. It is necessary to let ourselves actually go through that emotions, rather than pressing it down and hanging on to it. We need to let it go. And after all that, we can finally move on. Move on and step into the light. The light that we were made to be. God wants us to  be the light. God created us as light. We are light. We just forgot that we were. We were so blinded by our earthly possessions like money, or house, or any material objects. But the truth is that we don’t need any of that. We are meant to be prosperous. We are meant to be happy. We are mean to be one. Because there’s actually no separation between you and me. So what I see in you, is exact reflection of myself. I am you, you are me. As a course in miracle says, we are like a drop of ocean or the sun, thinking that we are separate from others. Because we think we are separate, we see things from the place of scarcity. We need to shift. We need ti start seeing things from the place of love, a place of abundance, a place of love and compassion. That’s where we are meant to be. 

Right now, it is ok to mourn. It is ok to be upset. It is ok to be frustrated…. but after all that, we get to let go. We see what’s above all these and will be able to commit to our higher purpose. Our divine creation has been there. 

So, what now? Choose love. Choose compassion. How can we find compassion for those who elected him? How can we find understanding and love while we have completely opposite interest in life? How can we support each other while we stand for something that’s completely contradictory? What can we do? The fact that we are hurting, that means that we care. We care about this country. We care about this family and friends. We care about our future….. That’s why they try to protect. They try to hold on to things that matters to them. They try to hold on to what they have….It’s all the fears. Fears to be separate. Fear to be free. Fear to be loved unconditionally. Fear to be…And that is ok. We get to start from there. We get to move from there. We cannot bring ourselves down to where they are. But we can hold space for them. We can be the light, show them the way and holding the ground for them. We cannot pull them up. They need to do it on their own. So, let’s be the light. Let’s be the love. Let’s thrive. Let’s be one. 

You are divine. Now is a time to unite. Now is time to commit. Now is the time to love and be loved. And there’s no better time than now. Right here, right now. 

It's always the darkest before the dawn

What’s going on? 

Everything seems to be falling apart. The election? The Country? The people? and my life? 

People say all kinds of things. "Before all the breakthrough, there’s always a breakdown.” “There’s no mistakes, because whatever the decisions we made, we thought that was the best decision at that exact moment”. Knowing and understanding are different. We see what we see, depending on how we see. No two people see the situation the same. What I see and what you see are different. What I feel based on A is different than what you feel based on A. So, we do what we think is the best at that moment. 

I don’t understand why people voted for Trump. I really don’t. As an immigrant, as a non-us citizen, as a woman of color and a minority, I have nothing to stand for him. What he is this. what he is is the ultimate example of what we could become if we let shadows take us over. He is the representation of 7 deadly sins. Pride, Greed, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath, and sloth……. God is showing us how we could be if we let ourselves go. God is giving us the greatest opportunity to step into our light. Step into our love. Step in to our greatest potential. That we get to heal. That we get to love. We get to lean in and support each other. We get to love and be loved. We get to shine our light. We are allowed to grieve. It is a part of process. It is necessary to let ourselves actually go through that emotions, rather than pressing it down and hanging on to it. We need to let it go. And after all that, we can finally move on. Move on and step into the light. The light that we were made to be. God wants us to  be the light. God created us as light. We are light. We just forgot that we were. We were so blinded by our earthly possessions like money, or house, or any material objects. But the truth is that we don’t need any of that. We are meant to be prosperous. We are meant to be happy. We are mean to be one. Because there’s actually no separation between you and me. So what I see in you, is exact reflection of myself. I am you, you are me. As a course in miracle says, we are like a drop of ocean or the sun, thinking that we are separate from others. Because we think we are separate, we see things from the place of scarcity. We need to shift. We need ti start seeing things from the place of love, a place of abundance, a place of love and compassion. That’s where we are meant to be. 

Right now, it is ok to mourn. It is ok to be upset. It is ok to be frustrated…. but after all that, we get to let go. We see what’s above all these and will be able to commit to our higher purpose. Our divine creation has been there. 

So, what now? Choose love. Choose compassion. How can we find compassion for those who elected him? How can we find understanding and love while we have completely opposite interest in life? How can we support each other while we stand for something that’s completely contradictory? What can we do? The fact that we are hurting, that means that we care. We care about this country. We care about this family and friends. We care about our future….. That’s why they try to protect. They try to hold on to things that matters to them. They try to hold on to what they have….It’s all the fears. Fears to be separate. Fear to be free. Fear to be loved unconditionally. Fear to be…And that is ok. We get to start from there. We get to move from there. We cannot bring ourselves down to where they are. But we can hold space for them. We can be the light, show them the way and holding the ground for them. We cannot pull them up. They need to do it on their own. So, let’s be the light. Let’s be the love. Let’s thrive. Let’s be one. 

You are divine. Now is a time to unite. Now is time to commit. Now is the time to love and be loved. And there’s no better time than now. Right here, right now. 

Sometimes, we need to let it kicked.

“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” 
― Seneca

This is something that I really want to get it through my head lately. "Really listen to what you are saying to other people". Seriously. I preach all these things about positive mindset and how we can shift our life into more empowering way. But the reality is that I get in my head more than I can possibly imagine. If anything, I am in my head probably more than all of you. So, I do admit this. And I admit this publicly and openly. I DON'T LISTEN TO MY OWN WORDS. Meaning, it's time to start listening!!! Well, it's easier said than done, just like everything else. 

A friend of mine, who inspire me so much, told me this yesterday. "Sometimes you just gotta remove yourself from your own head, then put it back". We've heard it before. People say "Be your own best friend". "Don't get in to your head too much". "Focus on right now".... And it's all good and makes so much sense intellectually. But if we can do that just by saying "Ok, that's what I'm going to do now".... how simple would that be? Life would be so much easier, don't you think? Instead, that talk actually makes us go into our head even more, especially those of us who LOVE to analyze things. We want to do it "right". We want to do it "Good". Or if we know that we don't do it "right", we don't wanna do it. So, my friend told me to really take time. Take time to talk to myself just as you're talking to your 5 year old self, or your best friend. We wouldn't talk to your best friend the same way we talk to ourselves. If we do, we might not have any friends at all. lol. It is ok to say, "hey, you did good today". or "you are beautiful." or "Don't be hard on yourself so much". It's ok to say that. We actually should say that. 

For the past few days, I have been frustrated by the way things were going. I was crying more. And all the self development nerd part of me would say "Let's flip the perspective". or "You shouldn't be thinking this way". Or "You should be grateful"... And the other part of me would just say "SHUT UP, I DON'T WANNA DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT. I'M JUST GONNA QUIT". All the ideas and my feelings were contradicting each other. The more I think, the worse things got. My friend also said "It's a minute by minute, second by second choices, you just gotta take one step at a time". I've probably heard something like this so many times. But the way she said it last night made so much sense to me. I've been seen her transform. I've seen her grow. She's much younger than me. And because of that, I had the idea of "Oh, I'm the one who SHOULD be teaching her, or be the example".  But no. It doesn't matter. Her transformation and growth taught me so much. Her experience and her journey. That's what inspire me. It doesn't matter. I was too stubborn to be open. Sure. I might swing back to that place again. And that's ok too. At least I know that I did swing back, and I know how to. It doesn't feel that great to be in the full swing, or what seems to be the full swing. That's part of the journey. When that happen, I have to probably come back to my own blog and read it. ACTUALLY READ IT! We are on this journey, everyday. 

Love, Hope, faith

Growing, one day at a time

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster. The emotional ride that I have been on for the past few weeks, or almost a month, that has been a crazy ride. Why? because I am stretching. Because I am really looking at myself. And that is absolutely scary. Accepting the truth. Accepting my weakness and strength.. all that is a completely new territory. I want to start by this topic. "Receiving support."

Receiving support has not been something that comes to me naturally. I felt weird asking for help. I made me feel weak, incompetent, not enough... It made me feel like I was bothering people. That they have enough thing to deal with.... This is a huge lesson that I am learning. Seriously. It is OK to lean in to people. It is absolutely OK. 

As I stepped more into the life with Yoga and holistic journey, I decided that Acting was no longer my focus. I thought that if I want to come back, I can always go back. Acting is not going anywhere. Entertainment business is not going anywhere. So, I left my acting studio. I updated my website, then I let go of my title as an "Actor". I still love singing, and am still in the chorus. So, my friend and I decided to produce a cabaret show because we wanted to sing together. That on its own was a learning experience. I sang for fun. My intention was to have fun and tell the story. I didn't have to prove anything, like I used to at the audition. The next day, a friend who was in the cabaret show texted me. "Have you looked into the FB post lately? That might make your day". I looked it up, and almost dropped my phone. The Cabaret team was formed by the member of this community called "CREATE", the spiritual community for actors. The owner of the community, saw my performance video then made a post on the FB community. "I didn't know that she sings. And Miss Saigon is my favorite show! I'm gonna talk to the casting". WhAT? And there were hundreds of people commenting on this post. Supporting me, cheering me, liking the post. It was absolutely overwhelming. I was excited, but more overwhelmed, couldn't really process yet. 

Day 2... I saw a FB notification that she tagged me in another post. I wasn't sure if I wanted to look at it or not. "Are you sitting down? I just got off the phone call with the casting. it was about good 10-15 min. they want to "explore" you. "....... Soon after, I received a text from her asking for my headshot and resume. At this point, my legs were shaking. I wasn't breathing right. I was really freaking out. Notifications were going crazier than before. I couldn't look at my phone for good 3, 4 hours. What is going on? What is happening? This is too good to be true. This is not happening... All those thoughts came up. I didn't know what or how to think anything. But I sent her what I had. She texted me back. "Stand by".... 

Day 3... I was still overwhelmed. But now enormous amount of fear and guilt were pouring in. I felt like I was the biggest fraud. I haven't even auditioned for this. I can't do it. I don't deserve this.. what if I don't book? I would disappoint everybody. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to face it.  And I haven't even gotten an audition. But my head was already going crazy. Around 11 am, I checked email, then there was an email from the casting, titled "Miss Saigon/October 18"..... once again, I almost dropped my phone. I was asked to prepare for the female ensemble, an audition with the producer, music director, choreographer, casting... for my DREAM SHOW. The exact reason that I moved to NYC. That just happened to me. My heart was pounding like crazy. 

Day 4... The material I got was for a female ensemble. I realized that because I wanted to be the lead and only the lead, I don't know anything about the rest of the materials. As I learned the material, I realized the depth of this show. The contrast between the lead and the rest of the character was such a significant part of the show. That's what made everything so interesting. yet, I wasn't able to see that. I was fascinated by the new aspect of this show. The biggest challenge is the voice range. I was not trained as a soprano. And the material required me to sing HIGH C. I knew that I can hit the note. It just sounded like I was making a sound, the squeaky sound. My friend who believes in me and my voice more than anyone, (other than my mom) got me to get coaching session. Then more came in. The FB community reached out to me. A girl, who I've never met, offered to gift me a session with her coach who happened to be the accompanist for the day of the audition. The owner, the one who got me an audition, also gifted me a coaching session with one of the most high demand vocal coach. The funny thing was that I happened to know who he was. Right after I moved to the city, I went to a panel discussion where he was one of the panel. I remember contacting him after that, only to find out I couldn't afford the session with him. And now, that session was gifted to me. I didn't know how to receive all that. Everything was happening, all that I needed was right there. The universe was literally testing me if I can learn how to receive. So, I took them. I took all the help that was offered to me. I did all the coaching lessons. I even asked my friend to support me with dance, just in case I was asked to stay for dance. I put my 100%. Working with Stephanie made me realize that I could sing that hight C. I could sing that high and Im ok. The coaching session with Brad gave me all the information that I didn't even realize before. Drew told me that I can control my voice if I know how to. Deric taught me that I can sing more effortlessly if I learn how to. Karen told me that I am good enough. I AM goOD ENOUGH. Chris taught me how I can have lean into the support. I was being supported like a baby. And that was such an unfamiliar feeling. 

The DAY OF AUDITIOn..... In the morning, I was excited and nervous. But something inside told me to really take a look at all the posts and comments that I have received through FB or text. So, I took time to read them. I felt like I was actually hearing their voices, that I was being supported, that I can lean in and lean back, that I don't have to do this alone. So that's what I did. I allowed myself to be there. Then funny enough, my nerve shifted into a pure excitement. It was grounded and powerful. The feeling that I never did before auditioning. As I got there, I was very calm. I didn't have the competitive "she's perfect for this show" feeling towards other people didn't exist. When I got called into the room, the nerve did kick in. Of course. But I did it. I was able to hit the High C. I was able to "Breathe in roses, and exhale love". Then they asked me to stay for a dance. I am not a trained dancer. But I gave my all. It was different from what we prepared for, but it didn't matter. I gave it all. I was obsessed with the joy and excitement that I felt. It was fun. It was so much fun. I never knew that auditioning can be this fun till right then. All of us were released that day, so who knows? And the best part is that I am happy with either way. 

This whole experience has taught me about receiving, trusting and leaning in. It was such an incredible lesson. I am so grateful for this. I am good enough. I have what it takes. The pendulum will swing back time to time. and that's ok. I am here. And I did hit the damn high C. So, I am happy. I am happy that I allowed myself to be there with others. I allowed myself to take in the support. Life is a strange place. We never know what's gonna happen. That's the beauty of it. I am so grateful for the support from everybody. So grateful for the lesson that I got to learn. I am so grateful that I showed up for myself and got to have fun. I don't have to do it alone. I don't have to be alone. I am enough. 

Thank you for being you. Thank you for leaning on me. thank you for allowing me to lean on you. Thank you for everything. One thing at a time. One lesson at a time. it is ok. Everything is ok. 

Love, hope, and faith..

to infinity and beyond!

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

Right now, I am being challenged like I've never before. I have to completely be honest with myself, face the reality, accept the current truth and step out f that. And it is truly terrifying. As Marianne Williamson says, "doing something new is not difficult, it's just different. Getting over the resistance is difficult." And even as we speak, I am still in resistance. What can I do? The answer is simple. GET OVER MYSELF!!! It is so easy said than done. Absolutely. I am seeing the major commitment right now. I made goals for myself and yet, I am still doing the same thing. Again, the definition of insane is that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the different result. Of course! It truly is time for a change. I need to change. I want to change! I WANT TO CHANGE.

So, there. I declared it. The very first key to anything is to decide that that's what you want and owing that. A lot of people might think that knowing why or how you're gonna get to XYZ, that's the first step. I think, deciding what you want it the very first step. If you don't know what you want, you can't really do anything. When you go to the restaurant, you can't order anything till you know what you want! Right? First, you have to decide that. Then you order exactly what you want. You don't ask for a pizza when you want a burger. If you want a cheese pizza, you don't just say I want pizza, you're going to say you want a cheese pizza. So be specific about what you want and ask for it. If you know exactly what you want, you just don't say you want food. That's just too vague. Be clear and know what you want. Then, what do you do after you order? Trust. Sure, they might make mistakes in your order, everybody makes mistakes. But at the end of the day, you do get what you order and we know that. You don't pace around and say, maybe they will bring me a chocolate cake instead, which might be amazing. But you know what you ordered and you know that it's coming. So, why don't we apply this to the other area in our lives? Decide what you want in detail. Know that that's what you want. Ask exactly what you want. Trust that it's gonna be there and let it go. The great thing about this in other area is that you might actually get something better than what you ask for. You might not get how you want, when you want. But it will be that or something better. 

"How" will turn out on its own. Trusting and knowing are the hard part. Then taking action. Live through your commitment. That's something that we are not used to. At least I am not in few areas of my life. Even in the area I thought I was good at, I still am not. I want to make things happen more. I want to go farther. I want my life to expand in love, success and abundance. I want everyone's life to be the same. So I am declaring that the I am changing the way of my life now. I am going to commit. I am going to jump into unknown. I am going to trust that what I want or something better will come to me. I am being bold enough and ask what I want loud and clear. So that I can have empowered life.  Jumping into unknown. Let's do this. 

love,

Life as we know it, can change any time.

“Do you wait for things to happen, or do you make them happen yourself? 

I believe in writing your own story.” 
― Charlotte Eriksson

I want to share a lot nowadays. I think it's because of the transition that I have been going through. It was been an incredible journey and I cannot even describe how grateful I am for every single one of the event and people who came into my life.

I didn't want to be the person who'd talk about myself all the time. I thought it was selfish, self observed, and inconsiderate. It took a lot for me to start talking about myself. Yet, what I have been learning lately, has completely messed up what I believed to be true, and what I thought it was the right way to be. Life is crazy, I'm telling you. It's amazing how things can change. It's amazing how things that I couldn't even possibly imagine could be my passion and my dream. I am one of those people who use "divine", "magical", and "miracle" in normal sentences. It's incredible. Now, I am really starting to show my messiness, insecurities, and every part of me. How was I able to do that? or to even get started? Only because I have a group of incredible people in my life. I know that none of these were possible if it weren't for them. They taught me it's ok to be mess. It's ok to share your weakness and emotion, frustrations and all that. It's ok to rely on people and ask for help. It's ok to just be crazy and start singing and dancing. It's ok to be goofy and have fun in yoga class. It's ok to be me and not expect anything. It's ok to ask questions and let them know that I don't know. It's ok to show up with no make up and cry my eyes off. It's ok to be vulnerable. It's ok to own my power. It is ok to be me and do what makes me happy.

I didn't know that I love people so much. I want to connect with people, talk to people and love people for who they are. I want people to know how beautiful they are both inside and out. I want people to know how magical they are, (there, I said it! "magical"). I want people to know that it's OK to own their power and be who they are. I want people to know that it is their birth right to take care of themselves. I want people to know that the fact that they are here proves that they are worthy. I want people to know that they are here for reasons. I want people to know that they are loved. ahhhh. There are so many things that I want to share with people. And I LOVE LOVE, LOVE people so much. It almost feels like a rebound effect, because before, I wasn't like that. I never shared about me. I didn't wanna be vulnerable. I absolutely couldn't look at people in the eyes. I always deflected. I was afraid that people would judge me. I had no confidence in me. I was good at pretending, or presenting to others that I was. But when it comes down to it, I was horrified to be around people. So now that I am learning all these amazing path and tools, the love for the people is flushing in like I just opened the floodgate.

It's so much easier to be in the light, when I am excited and filled with joy and gratitude. It's so difficult when I'm just feeling nothing like that. I get in to my head a lot more than I should. The other day my friend told me not to, and just let go and talk whatever that comes up in my head. I am so grateful to have friends like that. Because of them I get to swing back from that side. I think it is about learning how to swing back every time when I go down the hill. The same way apply when I am super high in love. Sometimes I just can't get myself together because I am so energetic and excited... feels like a kid with sugar rush. And I learn how to get grounded in times like that. It's about balance. It's about inclusive and duality. I don't always have to categorize or know if that 0 or 1. I can tell people "I don't know". and ask questions and not feel stupid or ashamed.

Life as we know, can change any time if we want to. I wanted to change my life. I wanted to be more me. I wanted to be more free. And right now, I have tons of questions, things that I don't know, things that I get upset over... It is ok to be mess and share that with the world. As a matter of fact, we should, so that we can learn from each other. Be you. Be courageous. Be curious. Be love.

I love you.

Love, Hope, Faith...