None of these matter.

Everything in your life happened just the way it is, so that you can get right where you are right now. That has been the concept that I have known for a while now. At least in my head anyways. This concept was a great discovery for me. Things are happening for a reasons. Nothing happens for nothing. I knew that. And now, I'm trying to figure out the whys. Why were those there? what made me realize what? what was my lessons to be learned? Why and who were there to teach me? And all these digging that I am doing now, and have been doing throughout the last month or so, has swinging my life upside down. Spinning me all around like I've never before. And I realized.... I have not been living my life more than I could have been.. and as soon as I said that, the voice inside me started saying, "stop saying what should have or could have. The time has passed, there's nothing you can do now. Just move on. You just gotta go farther. Just look on the positive side and start taking actions". That's my inner voice. My voice screams at me and say all these things. And she means well. She wants me to do better. She wants me to reach my potentials. And when I see all these amazing people who are living their lives, in my eyes anyways, it makes me feel like I haven't done anything, that I haven't done ANYTHING. Seriously, the beat up mode starts right away. It's got all the powerful voices and logistics. It's powerful. And she makes total sense. And guess what? SHe's talking to me as I write. 

The more I learn about myself, the more I know that how powerful I can be. Each and every single one of us. I disconnect myself from people a lot. And hide behind computer. Because through that screen, I can be this perfect positive "Light" person that I can be. Vulnerable, Inspirational, Positive... all that. And I want to be good so much that I don't do a lot of things. The lesson I have been working no is that what is it in other people that's a reflection of me? When people irritates me, they IRRITATES me. I immediately suppress myself and become passive aggressive. I am so guilty of being passive aggressive. And you don't wanna be around me, when I'm like that. 

I can really keep going and going about what's wrong with me, and how I can turn it around and say what I'm grateful about everything. I became such a smart ass. Of course, it is easy when you are behind the screen and typing all the letters. So, what's the point of this post?! Nothing. There's no point of writing this. There's no point of me writing down all these things because none of these matters. NONE of these matter because I am not applying it, or living it, and when I do I've in it, it still doesn't matter. Because I AM THE ONE who'S putting all the meaning to this. All my fears, all my half assed life has been here regardless. But that's the way I see it NOW. I was doing the best I can in that moment. I was TRYING to do X, TRYING to do Y, TRYING to do Z... I was trying all I can do to achieve something that I wanted that moment. I WAS trying my best in that particular moment. I was trying to survive. I was trying to make the best decision that I can make at that moment. And now that the moment has passed, I know something different. I learned the perspective something that I didn't see before. Or, maybe I knew that perspective and wasn't able to see it that way. And still NONE of these matters. I still gotta live my life. I still got get out there and overcome my fears, get over myself and take actions. 

I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna be settled. I don't wanna be going back to the restaurant job. I want friends, family, connections and thriving life. I want a job and a career that makes me want to jump out and dance. I want to be traveling. I want to get up in the morning singing everyday. I want to tell myself "I love you", everyday..... I have been doing better. I have been working on myself to get that mentality. And I know that preparing for all these mean nothing if I don't live in life. I want to live life. I want to thrive. I want to share with the world that I matter. You matter. I want to scream from the top of the empire building and say "I LOVE MY LIFE". So why not?! Why can't I do that now?! 

I love you. And help me be who I am. 

Love and light, 

Yuko