Sometimes, we need to let it kicked.

“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” 
― Seneca

This is something that I really want to get it through my head lately. "Really listen to what you are saying to other people". Seriously. I preach all these things about positive mindset and how we can shift our life into more empowering way. But the reality is that I get in my head more than I can possibly imagine. If anything, I am in my head probably more than all of you. So, I do admit this. And I admit this publicly and openly. I DON'T LISTEN TO MY OWN WORDS. Meaning, it's time to start listening!!! Well, it's easier said than done, just like everything else. 

A friend of mine, who inspire me so much, told me this yesterday. "Sometimes you just gotta remove yourself from your own head, then put it back". We've heard it before. People say "Be your own best friend". "Don't get in to your head too much". "Focus on right now".... And it's all good and makes so much sense intellectually. But if we can do that just by saying "Ok, that's what I'm going to do now".... how simple would that be? Life would be so much easier, don't you think? Instead, that talk actually makes us go into our head even more, especially those of us who LOVE to analyze things. We want to do it "right". We want to do it "Good". Or if we know that we don't do it "right", we don't wanna do it. So, my friend told me to really take time. Take time to talk to myself just as you're talking to your 5 year old self, or your best friend. We wouldn't talk to your best friend the same way we talk to ourselves. If we do, we might not have any friends at all. lol. It is ok to say, "hey, you did good today". or "you are beautiful." or "Don't be hard on yourself so much". It's ok to say that. We actually should say that. 

For the past few days, I have been frustrated by the way things were going. I was crying more. And all the self development nerd part of me would say "Let's flip the perspective". or "You shouldn't be thinking this way". Or "You should be grateful"... And the other part of me would just say "SHUT UP, I DON'T WANNA DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT. I'M JUST GONNA QUIT". All the ideas and my feelings were contradicting each other. The more I think, the worse things got. My friend also said "It's a minute by minute, second by second choices, you just gotta take one step at a time". I've probably heard something like this so many times. But the way she said it last night made so much sense to me. I've been seen her transform. I've seen her grow. She's much younger than me. And because of that, I had the idea of "Oh, I'm the one who SHOULD be teaching her, or be the example".  But no. It doesn't matter. Her transformation and growth taught me so much. Her experience and her journey. That's what inspire me. It doesn't matter. I was too stubborn to be open. Sure. I might swing back to that place again. And that's ok too. At least I know that I did swing back, and I know how to. It doesn't feel that great to be in the full swing, or what seems to be the full swing. That's part of the journey. When that happen, I have to probably come back to my own blog and read it. ACTUALLY READ IT! We are on this journey, everyday. 

Love, Hope, faith

Growing, one day at a time

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster. The emotional ride that I have been on for the past few weeks, or almost a month, that has been a crazy ride. Why? because I am stretching. Because I am really looking at myself. And that is absolutely scary. Accepting the truth. Accepting my weakness and strength.. all that is a completely new territory. I want to start by this topic. "Receiving support."

Receiving support has not been something that comes to me naturally. I felt weird asking for help. I made me feel weak, incompetent, not enough... It made me feel like I was bothering people. That they have enough thing to deal with.... This is a huge lesson that I am learning. Seriously. It is OK to lean in to people. It is absolutely OK. 

As I stepped more into the life with Yoga and holistic journey, I decided that Acting was no longer my focus. I thought that if I want to come back, I can always go back. Acting is not going anywhere. Entertainment business is not going anywhere. So, I left my acting studio. I updated my website, then I let go of my title as an "Actor". I still love singing, and am still in the chorus. So, my friend and I decided to produce a cabaret show because we wanted to sing together. That on its own was a learning experience. I sang for fun. My intention was to have fun and tell the story. I didn't have to prove anything, like I used to at the audition. The next day, a friend who was in the cabaret show texted me. "Have you looked into the FB post lately? That might make your day". I looked it up, and almost dropped my phone. The Cabaret team was formed by the member of this community called "CREATE", the spiritual community for actors. The owner of the community, saw my performance video then made a post on the FB community. "I didn't know that she sings. And Miss Saigon is my favorite show! I'm gonna talk to the casting". WhAT? And there were hundreds of people commenting on this post. Supporting me, cheering me, liking the post. It was absolutely overwhelming. I was excited, but more overwhelmed, couldn't really process yet. 

Day 2... I saw a FB notification that she tagged me in another post. I wasn't sure if I wanted to look at it or not. "Are you sitting down? I just got off the phone call with the casting. it was about good 10-15 min. they want to "explore" you. "....... Soon after, I received a text from her asking for my headshot and resume. At this point, my legs were shaking. I wasn't breathing right. I was really freaking out. Notifications were going crazier than before. I couldn't look at my phone for good 3, 4 hours. What is going on? What is happening? This is too good to be true. This is not happening... All those thoughts came up. I didn't know what or how to think anything. But I sent her what I had. She texted me back. "Stand by".... 

Day 3... I was still overwhelmed. But now enormous amount of fear and guilt were pouring in. I felt like I was the biggest fraud. I haven't even auditioned for this. I can't do it. I don't deserve this.. what if I don't book? I would disappoint everybody. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to face it.  And I haven't even gotten an audition. But my head was already going crazy. Around 11 am, I checked email, then there was an email from the casting, titled "Miss Saigon/October 18"..... once again, I almost dropped my phone. I was asked to prepare for the female ensemble, an audition with the producer, music director, choreographer, casting... for my DREAM SHOW. The exact reason that I moved to NYC. That just happened to me. My heart was pounding like crazy. 

Day 4... The material I got was for a female ensemble. I realized that because I wanted to be the lead and only the lead, I don't know anything about the rest of the materials. As I learned the material, I realized the depth of this show. The contrast between the lead and the rest of the character was such a significant part of the show. That's what made everything so interesting. yet, I wasn't able to see that. I was fascinated by the new aspect of this show. The biggest challenge is the voice range. I was not trained as a soprano. And the material required me to sing HIGH C. I knew that I can hit the note. It just sounded like I was making a sound, the squeaky sound. My friend who believes in me and my voice more than anyone, (other than my mom) got me to get coaching session. Then more came in. The FB community reached out to me. A girl, who I've never met, offered to gift me a session with her coach who happened to be the accompanist for the day of the audition. The owner, the one who got me an audition, also gifted me a coaching session with one of the most high demand vocal coach. The funny thing was that I happened to know who he was. Right after I moved to the city, I went to a panel discussion where he was one of the panel. I remember contacting him after that, only to find out I couldn't afford the session with him. And now, that session was gifted to me. I didn't know how to receive all that. Everything was happening, all that I needed was right there. The universe was literally testing me if I can learn how to receive. So, I took them. I took all the help that was offered to me. I did all the coaching lessons. I even asked my friend to support me with dance, just in case I was asked to stay for dance. I put my 100%. Working with Stephanie made me realize that I could sing that hight C. I could sing that high and Im ok. The coaching session with Brad gave me all the information that I didn't even realize before. Drew told me that I can control my voice if I know how to. Deric taught me that I can sing more effortlessly if I learn how to. Karen told me that I am good enough. I AM goOD ENOUGH. Chris taught me how I can have lean into the support. I was being supported like a baby. And that was such an unfamiliar feeling. 

The DAY OF AUDITIOn..... In the morning, I was excited and nervous. But something inside told me to really take a look at all the posts and comments that I have received through FB or text. So, I took time to read them. I felt like I was actually hearing their voices, that I was being supported, that I can lean in and lean back, that I don't have to do this alone. So that's what I did. I allowed myself to be there. Then funny enough, my nerve shifted into a pure excitement. It was grounded and powerful. The feeling that I never did before auditioning. As I got there, I was very calm. I didn't have the competitive "she's perfect for this show" feeling towards other people didn't exist. When I got called into the room, the nerve did kick in. Of course. But I did it. I was able to hit the High C. I was able to "Breathe in roses, and exhale love". Then they asked me to stay for a dance. I am not a trained dancer. But I gave my all. It was different from what we prepared for, but it didn't matter. I gave it all. I was obsessed with the joy and excitement that I felt. It was fun. It was so much fun. I never knew that auditioning can be this fun till right then. All of us were released that day, so who knows? And the best part is that I am happy with either way. 

This whole experience has taught me about receiving, trusting and leaning in. It was such an incredible lesson. I am so grateful for this. I am good enough. I have what it takes. The pendulum will swing back time to time. and that's ok. I am here. And I did hit the damn high C. So, I am happy. I am happy that I allowed myself to be there with others. I allowed myself to take in the support. Life is a strange place. We never know what's gonna happen. That's the beauty of it. I am so grateful for the support from everybody. So grateful for the lesson that I got to learn. I am so grateful that I showed up for myself and got to have fun. I don't have to do it alone. I don't have to be alone. I am enough. 

Thank you for being you. Thank you for leaning on me. thank you for allowing me to lean on you. Thank you for everything. One thing at a time. One lesson at a time. it is ok. Everything is ok. 

Love, hope, and faith..